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Unagie posted 7/12/2013 08:39 AM

...hoovering? I think I get what it is in concept but would like to be sure. Pretty sure its what's happening right now and one of the reasons I'm reluctant to let my guard down in any way.

MovingUpward posted 7/12/2013 08:49 AM

From an article on a blog, they define it as such.

Trying to break free from someone who won’t let you go?
Wanting to end a relationship with someone who keeps trying suck you back in with manipulations?

You’re being hoovered!

wifeno2 posted 7/12/2013 08:55 AM

I've seen other members explain it much better but I will give it a try. Its when the BS is finally breaking free and the WS starts to try to suck you back in. They may have been the one pulling away, unremorseful, etc but when you finally have enough and start to move on they will suddenly start doing/saying anything they think will hook you back in.

Of course typically this will only be a temporary thing and when you are pulled back in they resume their previous behaviors.

I think there are more thorough discussions in ICR- I think the NPD thread.

silverhopes posted 7/12/2013 11:51 AM

Hoovering is when a person doesn't treat you well and then does that one nice thing that gives you hope, and it repeats in cycles. What kinds of things are happening right now, Unagie?

Jrazz posted 7/12/2013 11:55 AM

Hey Uniagie.

Based on some of your posts I've read I'd say hoovering is a definite possibility in your case.

I think a lot of members have gained strength from the metaphor.The visual helps with a reminder of what real care and consideration looks like versus manipulation.

Unagie posted 7/12/2013 12:27 PM

Thanks guys. Since our last talk where I told him I couldn't take anymore and if nothing changed I was ready to walk he's been sweet and attentive even asking if I needed to talk about all the mess our lives are which he's never done. I'm just wary to accept it and trust it. Feels like he realized I was serious because I finally was and he's putting real effort this time but its been so little for so long I'm eyeing it with little trust.

silverhopes posted 7/12/2013 12:35 PM

Yep. That sounds exactly like Hoovering. Watch his actions, Unagie, and keep preparing yourself to walk away. Real remorse has to come from a genuine desire to change, not just because he senses you're leaving and he wants to keep you on the hook. He needs to work on HIMSELF. Follow your instincts and don't let down your guard.

Unagie posted 7/12/2013 12:41 PM

Thanks Silver it's what I thought and what it feels like. I have a new job I can work anywhere and my dog is cleared for travel so if the actions don't match I will continue preparing myself.

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