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He won't admit it's because of OW

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lamplighter posted 7/12/2013 09:14 AM

My husband and I have had some problems, but my husband never communicated to me that he was feeling badly about the relationship or unhappy in general with me. He didn't suggest marriage counseling, or warn me that he was feeling distant or sad or hopeless.

He started an EA with a girl who lives out of state at the beginning of June. She is someone he dated briefly before I met him. He was smitten with her then, and she didn't seem to reciprocate. So maybe he's carried a little flame for her always.

There is a lot of clear projection going on - after more than five years of no contact, she only wrote to him (via facebook) a brief two or three line message about where she was living and what her job was. In response to that he instantly wrote her the saddest, most despairing opinions of our marriage, and ended the letter with a mention that she was "beautiful" and he attached a love song he had written about her and recorded after the last time he had seen her, years ago.

So there was no build up, and while I know a healthy woman would flee from those red flags about him, she reacted with flattery and support. Soon she was telling him that she was still attracted to him.

All the while he was more irritable with me, we fought more frequently and I remember thinking to myself that he was starting fights over the smallest thing. If he sensed I was annoyed for any reason during those weeks, he would confront me in a sort of hostile way. For example, one day we were all trying to get out the door, I had mentioned we should leave as soon as possible, and when I was ready to get out the door he picked up his guitar and started playing. I sighed "Are we going or not?" and he put down the guitar and coldly said "Why is that you feel the need to talk to me like that?"

That was the line that started several fights in the span of one week. Once he didn't like the tone I used when I said the word "yes" , so "Why is it that you think it's okay to talk to me that way?"

It was a terrible week of fighting; I kept telling him I wished he could understand that if I feel annoyed for a split second in time it doesn't have to be a big deal, and he was more irritated and defiant and closed to listening than ever before. During the last of the fights for that week is when he shut down and had his "first doubt" about our relationship.

He never recovered from that doubt. He wanted space, space, and more space. I finally took our son to visit family out of state. I was gone for a week and it only took that long for him to go from confused with doubts and NOT wanting a divorce, to feeling he had no motivation left in his heart to work on the relationship, to telling me he was no longer in love with me, to actually signing a lease for an apartment without even talking to me about it. We are a one-income lower middle class family and just bought a house, so we have less than 200 dollars left at the end of every month to put into savings. So obviously no way to afford a 700 dollar/mo apartment.

Now I know that the other woman told him "I've realized I am still attracted to you, so I need to stop talking to you for it's the right thing to do".
He then stopped messaging her for that week that he steadily abandoned the relationship more and more and he messaged her again the night before he signed the lease, while I was still out of town and devastated.

He said "I am signing a lease tomorrow and so I want to continue talking to you because it's the right thing to do".

How cute.

Since then they've been inseparable online, talking ten messages a day.

Even after I found out, he just transparently lied (twice) saying he wouldn't talk to her while he still lived here out of respect but never stopped.

They recently started talking on the phone and connecting further while he is at work.

I am just dying inside because it's so clear what happened and why, why our marriage was "hopeless" for him with no chance to recover and why he needed to sign a lease so soon.

But he insists up and down (with a lot of condescension and irritation that I just won't accept the "truth") that this all would have happened regardless of her. He now says he was always miserable with me, has said every dismissing, hurtful thing about me and our relationship, and he says that if he didn't build up the courage to tell me he felt that way, he would have just stayed in a horrible marriage. Like she helped wake him up to how shitty his life with me has been.

I can't stand it. I have been on the "just found out" board but I am starting to feel jealous of those whose cheating spouses still want them, or do even the bare minimum to comfort them and insist they still love them.

My husband makes me feel like I am scum beneath his shoe. Before this started I was the love of his life. I have dozens of texts, emails, love notes and songs he wrote me from beginning of our relationship to the point he started talking to her.

I'm grieving for my beautiful son's life not including two loving parents under the same roof. I grieve for how happy he's been to have both of us every day. I want to claw my heart out thinking about the idea that my husband and the other woman might actually work out and get married and start a family, of which my son would be part. I'm the betrayed one and I don't get so much as an apology, just dismissive "Well maybe it wasn't healthy to start it, but you pushed me and it is what it is".

I've been cheated on in a past relationship (PA) but I've never, ever known pain like this. I feel he is deeply infatuated with her, probably believes he's already falling in love with her. The fact that it's not physical almost makes me feel worse, like it's building slowly with intensity because they have to reign in their passion due to distance and pretending they are both really morally righteous people who are just connecting throughout a sad situation.

I feel sick all the time.

[This message edited by lamplighter at 9:22 AM, July 12th (Friday)]

FaithFool posted 7/12/2013 10:04 AM

Sorry you're here, lamplighter. He is exhibiting all the textbook signs of a wayward lost in the land of unicorns and rainbows.

I would see a lawyer *today* to discuss your options and see about getting child support orders in place since he appears to be abandoning the marital home and his family.

Serving him with documents might smack him back to reality, but if he is that far gone it may be in your best interests to just move on.

The shock of such ill treatment by the one you have loved, trusted and supported all these years is truly devastating.

Try and focus on yourself and your son, and what you both will need moving forward.

Big hugs. Take back your power and give him a dose of what his life will be like without you in it.

PhoenixRisen posted 7/12/2013 10:27 AM

He behavior is appalling.

If he wants this fantasy let him go get it. The OW is trash, going after a married man = they actually deserve each other and you deserve so much better

Put on your bitch boots!

NC and lawyer up. Hit him hard and fast. If he still feels any guilt you can get a better custody/CS/alimony deal. BUT, his guilt will soon fade and he and OW will be out to get you (a double ouch on top of the pain of infidelity, but I've watched it happen time and time again on this board. Then you are left without M, fighting to see you son, & struggling $too. So move swiftly!)

edited to add: I know the hopeless from grieving over the childhood your son was supposed to have... but he will adjust. My 5 year old would announcement (proudly) to people in the market "I've got two houses!"... then add "Mom and dad are divorced". It was no big deal for him ... partly because I went NC and just focused on dividing property (I walked away from a lot to keep the peace) & custody. Our kids didn't see any emotion or upset behind it. Just facts (new houses) and which days they would see each parent.

[This message edited by PhoenixRisen at 10:31 AM, July 12th (Friday)]

lamplighter posted 7/12/2013 12:11 PM

Thank you for responding, both of you. I am emotionally flailing, but I am determined to move forward with 180.

We have a marriage counseling appointment today, and still haven't secured a babysitter for our son for the hour. I am really hoping to get that squared away, because I want to be there, in front of a counselor any chance I can have. It will be the second appointment for us and the first since the EA was revealed.
Outside of counseling I want to 180. It's just the hardest thing I've ever, ever forced myself to do while we are living under the same roof.

Nature_Girl posted 7/12/2013 13:31 PM

But he insists up and down (with a lot of condescension and irritation that I just won't accept the "truth") that this all would have happened regardless of her. He now says he was always miserable with me, has said every dismissing, hurtful thing about me and our relationship, and he says that if he didn't build up the courage to tell me he felt that way, he would have just stayed in a horrible marriage. Like she helped wake him up to how shitty his life with me has been.

Gently, this is probably true in that he would have cheated on you no matter what. He's no doubt rewriting your marriage history, but that's irrelevant. He was going to cheat on you. This particular OW just happened along at the right time.

I'm so sorry.

dindy posted 7/12/2013 14:00 PM

I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through.

Your post has really resonated with me as my xWS was always trying to cause an argument saying that I was talking to him in a nasty tone. This really used to upset me as I couldn't understand why he was like this. I now know from the above posts that this was just his way of trying to make believe that our relationship was shit and justify what he was doing.

Like you, he didn't want to fight for our relationship or family. I understand the deep pain of being made to feel so worthless by someone you thought you would grow old with, and not even worth the truth after spending such a long time together.

Your husband clearly is looking towards this OW to rub his ego and it's just a shame that he isn't man enough to work on his marriage and family.

I agree with the others that you need to focus on yourself and your son now and get as much legal help is necessary.

One day you will see that you are so lucky to not be wasting your energy on such a broken person.

You and your son deserve to be treated with respect, honour and loyalty. At least you can honestly tell your son when he is older that you did everything you could. Also, your son will understand and learn self-respect from you and how to treat others this way too.

Be strong and big hugs to you.

Mommato4 posted 7/12/2013 14:00 PM

But he insists up and down (with a lot of condescension and irritation that I just won't accept the "truth") that this all would have happened regardless of her. He now says he was always miserable with me, has said every dismissing, hurtful thing about me and our relationship, and he says that if he didn't build up the courage to tell me he felt that way, he would have just stayed in a horrible marriage. Like she helped wake him up to how shitty his life with me has been.

I'm so sorry. My XH said the same down to he stayed for 15 years even though our relationship was horrible 6 months into dating. Total rewrite. I know the words hurt but it's all total bullshit.

I too had one of these women in my marriage 7 years in but unaware. During his last A before we split, I found all the love letters to her, poems and songs he wrote to her. (My X plays guitar too). It truly showed me that he was never fully invested to just me...ever. This sounds like your WH.

Get a lawyer, go NC except for kids and finances. He has no remorse right now. It may snap him out of it seeing you move on.


Housefulloflove posted 7/12/2013 17:46 PM

The timing is because of OW no doubt. His actions have nothing to do with her as far as who she is and what she means to him. If it was some other dummy with low self-esteem it would have happened still, probably in a very similar way. He was trolling for an affair, sees an opportunity and went for it.

That is what my Ex did. He too claimed that it had nothing to do with OW(it was all just coincidental timing!) As I learn more about just how broken and emotionally damaged he is, I'm learning that this statement is actually one of the few truths I received from him.

How he feels about what happened is largely based on emotional immaturity, stupidity, disordered thinking and him rewriting history to justify himself to himself. But if he had not met OW, the next idiot who took his bait would have played her role and Ex would have done the same disgusting acts.

I feel you OP. It sucks to have wasted SO MUCH time with someone whose brain is wired to find the best opportunity to devalue and discard you. Soon you will see that HE is the scum beneath YOUR shoe and you are so blessed to have detached yourself from a card-carrying member of the walking,talking scum of the Earth.

Catwoman posted 7/12/2013 18:24 PM

Time for a hard 180 and to find the nastiest, best "shark in a suit" you can find--preferably a woman who eats balls for breakfast with a light vinaigrette,

My ex pulled this nonsense, I "didnt meet his needs." We had a "bad marriage." He had been "unhappy for a long time."

Guess what? He has been alone for 10 years, the relationship with OW#4 imploded about 3.5 years ago and guess what? I don't flipping care. It is no longer my job to see to his "happiness."

Speaking from experience, an affair is a three legged stool. Easy to balance for the WS. Take away a leg (you). Becomes a LOT more of a challenge to make it work with the OW, especially since she believes he farts Skittles and pisses Merlot. Of course he believes the same of her, and boy does reality sting when it comes.

The best thing you can do is find the best family law attorney in the area (DO NOT tell him you are doing this) and have him served. File for exclusive use of the marital residence, too, and emergency financial support. Yes, he will be angry, but this is exactly what he needs.

And during this? Do not talk to him unless it is about kids or finances. In fact, insist on email only, barring emergencies. Be civil, but icy around the edges.

There is an article in the Healing Library on "NC with the WS." I suggest you read it and follow it to the letter. This is all about empowering you, not getting him back. Yes, it occasionally does wake up a foggy WS, but the goal is for you to get to a place where you are very okay alone. And that may mean that you don't WANT him back.

Don't let pretty words sway you. Ever. He can promise the moon, but it is the doing that seems to trip him up. If he starts making noises about coming home, suggest that he show you he is serious with actions. Then sit back and see what he does. Many times, it is just hot air. They have no intention do doing the work--just in persuading you to accept them without the, having to change.

Nix on that. Tell him to go piss some more Merlot for the OW because you are tired of him serving up shit sandwiches and telling you they are eclairs.


SBB posted 7/12/2013 19:48 PM

Gently, this is probably true in that he would have cheated on you no matter what. He's no doubt rewriting your marriage history, but that's irrelevant. He was going to cheat on you. This particular OW just happened along at the right time.

^^THIS. The OW is inconsequential. If it wasn't her it would have been someone else broken and willing.

The OW is not your problem - your husband is.

Please read this article about the types of infidelity. What he is trying to pull is straight out of the cheaters handbook.

I'm so sorry. Keep reading, keep posting. A lot of us have walked or are walking the path you are on right now. Please know you are not alone.

katiesmom posted 7/14/2013 14:21 PM

Lamplighter, I am two years out of my divorce and so much of what you are saying is what my ex did to me.

Saying that the OW was not the reason for the divorce, that he hadn't been happy for a very long time and that it would have happened regardless of her. We were together for 15 years, married for 12. Why all of a sudden was it being brought to my attention? It was hurtful and confusing and still hurts to this day. OW was on the scene for several months before he left, and during that time, he picked fights with me, wouldn't sleep in the same bed with me and said the most hurtful things to me imaginable.

While this was going on, I, like you, took my daughter to my parent's for one week to get away from him. I was so tired of being hurt continuously. By the time I got back, he informed me he was moving out. And he married her shortly after our divorce was final.

I am so sorry you have to go through this. Just know that you are not alone. The pain you are feeling is a pain like none other. Believe me, I know. Take care of yourself and your precious son in the meantime.

Chrysalis123 posted 7/14/2013 15:08 PM

Secure your finances! If you have any open lines of credit, require both signatures, if you have saving withdraw it and get it in your hands to be distributed evenly during the divorce. Open a credit card in your own name, and make copies of all personal records like tax returns and mortgages etc...

A divorce is like dissolving a business and knowledge is power.

Do not let him know you are doing this. Also, visit more than 1 shark attorney because once you share the details, they can no longer represent him.

I know this might seem shocking, but I got screwed by being naive, and have read about raided bank accounts and sky high credit card bills time and again here on this board.

I am sorry you are going through this.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 3:10 PM, July 14th (Sunday)]

realitybites posted 7/14/2013 15:28 PM

^^^go back and read Catwomans post^^^

As hard as it is to hear it is spot on. Many times a new BS can't get there. I say fake it until you make it and follow what she said to the letter.

Take2 posted 7/14/2013 15:45 PM

Well, he may not admit it - but you know the truth. The hard thing to wrap your head around is how they can jump ship so quickly and carelessly.

Case in point: I received a spontaneous I love you email from my H: "I love you so much, you were and are the best thing that ever happened to me." The next day - was Dday. He was packed and gone to the OW in 3 hours flat after 28 years. See once I knew - that was that, cause he didn't have it in him to carry 1/2 a marriage in the first place - let alone work to repair one.

The words of a cheater are absolutely without meaning or value. Protect yourself! CYA.

...and you are right, a healthy woman would have seen the red-flag, (not to mention would not engage in these conversations with a married man). The potential for later amusement might come when she remembers why she wasn't interested him in the first place...

Meantime, take care of you!

And btw - my X and OW last 3 weeks. He has jumped from relationship to relationship for 5 years now - he keeps getting dumped. Seems what worked when he was 20 (that heart on the sleeve, smitten by you thing) doesn't fly long term when you are 50! Too bad-So Sad!

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