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Missing ingredient: emotional support

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Blameitontherain posted 7/12/2013 09:35 AM

I am feeling like I am in limbo due to the lack of emotional support.

Not feeling emotional support makes me feel/believe:

*I am not loved

*I do not matter

*I am alone, don't have a real partner/marriage.

*I am not worth the effort

*he regrets getting caught, not what happened

*he gets to get away with it.

*Why am I staying?

To be honest, these thoughts are always there, hiding. When an opportunity is missed to be supportive, all these start to swirl and grow.

WH says he has tried but I was not receptive so he stopped. Now he just avoids and ignores when I am swirling. All that happens is I end up blowing up at him. Rinse and repeat. I trigger, he avoids and ignores, I swirl, then blow up. I talked with him last night and he says he does not have unconditional love for me. he can be with me as long as I am happy and in a good mood. I am on my own if I choose to embrace the sadness and hurt.

[This message edited by Blameitontherain at 9:35 AM, July 12th (Friday)]

Conflicted1 posted 7/12/2013 10:12 AM

I think I can honestly say the only unconditional love I posess is for my children. There is no doubt in my mind that love for my husband is conditional-there are deal breakers out there and his conduct can definitely kill the feeling at some point. Lord knows he's been trying hard. I am only saying this to point out that unconditional love may not be a fair expectation in a marriage but enduring and patient love is something that one can choose to strive for I think.

Althea posted 7/12/2013 10:21 AM

Conflicted makes an interesting point re unconditional love. That being said, at this point if your WH was even a bit remorseful he would not be conditioning his love on you pretending to be happy all the time. True R means he helps when you are swirling, instead of avoiding. He should be doing everything in his power to: make you feel loved, make you feel like you matter, that you are not along and have a real marriage/partnership and that you are worth the effort. Is that really too much to ask?

I'm sorry you are going through this

Blameitontherain posted 7/12/2013 10:23 AM

Thank conflicted for the insight. Maybe I am not expressing this clearly. I understand love for a spouse is conditional, there are deakbreakers.

What I mean is that his love and attention is conditional on how I am feeling. If I am loving and happy, then he will be too. If I am sad, hurt, triggering, he can't or won't give me any support or love. The conditions are as long as I am loving, he will be back. If I am not, then he just watches as I slip further away.

whatdoto posted 7/12/2013 10:24 AM


I too get no emotional support from WH. I have begged and pleaded for him to "be there", but all he can do is say "I want you to be happy". Which really means "I don't want to talk about my A, I don't want to deal with your unhappiness, just get over it."

Well, I "got over it" when I filed for D. I refuse to live with a man that cannot be there for me on an emotional level. I've done that for 16 years.

OH, and yes, I fee/believe the same as you.

I learned through my IC that WH is truly incapable of any type of emotional support for anyone.

You have to decide if you can live with that kind of man, I can't and I won't. I learned alot about WHO he is and WHY he is the way he is. That was the final deal breaker. Not to mention, HE was my biggest trigger.

Are you in IC?

I'm so very sorry you are feeling so sad. I know it hurts.

tryingmybest2011 posted 7/12/2013 10:25 AM


I can relate to your post - I feel all those bullet points you listed.

Your WH is not remorseful.

Marriage has conditions, outlined in the vows and the contract you both signed. I'm guessing your vows did not say "for better or worse, as long as everything is rolled in sprinkles and magic".

I only have true unconditional love for my children.

Looks like he has his conditions, no matter how unrealistic and cruel they are. Cripes.

What are yours?

Duffy1958 posted 7/12/2013 10:29 AM

I get similar reactions Blame. My husband is completely locked up emotionally. It's shallow, insincere & not a marriage. Not a partnership. Nada. If they aren't invested emotionally what do they have to lose, if they lose us? Not as much. It's having one foot out the door. I knew my husband was emotionally checked out but thought it was his health issues. I didn't know somewhere in his "checked-out" state, if ex wifey wiggled her tail in front of him, he would run for it. I can't get that sort if reaction from him.

I can't take it. I have more on my plate than an overly self indulgent asshat. I am seething. My situation is not yours though. In my case I think this just spotlighted the entire breakdown of the marriage.

I will say, it's NOT the way it is suppose to be & it IS more gross selfishness on his part. I hope you can get him to come around, if not start formulating your exit plan, I don't think you'll be able to take it either. Let me know-K?

My husband wants to "rug sweep". No. What would prevent it from happening again? I did tell my husband I didn't feel like I could reach him. I don't talk to him anymore. What's the point?

One thing, on your list you say you don't feel loved. Please remember it's HIM not you.

Blameitontherain posted 7/12/2013 10:46 AM

I started ic, only two sessions in. The counselor seems to think thereis trauma in my pasr that is making this hurt so bad. I have been thinking and I don't believe that. There is nothing super disturbing. Nothing really gets me worked up. What does get me worked up is a combo of the martial history, infidelity, and lack of support during the fallout. The trauma the c is looking for is my marriage. Sharing this next session.

I don't know my expectations. Sometimes they are high, othertimes they are non existent. I do know that talking last night made me upset but not uncontrollable upset. Yes I was sad but it wasn't a hysterical sadness which is what happened before. It was a controlled quiet sadness almost like I am becoming numb and sad for the life altering decisions that will have to be made sooner not later.

Wh says he can now picture life without me and the kids. The positives are he wont have to deal with this and he will have more free time. The negatives are missing the kids grow up, not seeing them and the financial mess.

Blameitontherain posted 7/12/2013 10:52 AM

Hit submit too soon.

I just feel stuck. I feel like he is waiting for me to call it quits. He is going through the motions so he can say he tried. But he hasnt, not really.

I need to stop concentrating on him and his lack of humanity. I just am lost and desperately need an anchor. 9 months of basically doing it alone and I am about to break.

1Faith posted 7/12/2013 10:57 AM

*I am not loved

You are loved. You are loved by your children, your family, your friends and God.

*I do not matter

You absolutely matter. You matter to your children first and foremost. You are their everything. They need their mother and they love you. You matter to your family, to your friends, to this SI community and to God. Do not undervalue your worth because of your WH horrible and selfish choices. Those are his to own. Do not let them define you.

*I am alone, don't have a real partner/marriage.

Only you and your WH can answer this. It comes down to how to you define a real partner and marriage and are you on the same page with those expectations? You can't read his mind and he can't read yours. Communication is key. Are either of you in IC? Define what a partner and a marriage means to you and assess if you both can work to make that happen.

*I am not worth the effort

Oh yes you are. You are worth it and then some. But you can't make someone show effort, remorse, love, care, etc. They have to do that on their own free will and from the heart. You are a mother to beautiful children, a wife, a friend. You are worth it.

*he regrets getting caught, not what happened

I would suggest IC for you both individually. He needs to do a deep dive to why he chose to cheat, why it was justifiable to him. He also needs to understand why he is incapable of dealing with the hard stuff. Life is not always rainbows and sunshine. For better and good times and in bad...marriage has them all.

*he gets to get away with it.

What would you need to happen to feel that he isn't "getting away with it?"
You can undo the past. You can only move forward. What do you need to see/feel from your husband in order to feel like you can accept the affair and move forward?

*Why am I staying?

Only you can answer that. We each have our own journey, our own path. You will know when you know. I do believe that. Either your WH will start showing remorse and help you heal or you will finally have enough and say I am done. Neither is right or wrong. It is what is right for you and your children.

I would hope your husband would have more care and compassion for your hurt. He caused it and the process of healing is just that, a process. You can't snap your fingers and be over it.

If he is truly committed to R then he has to love you when you are in a good mood and hold you tight when you are losing your mind. It's all part of it.

Hold on and know that you deserve to be cherished and comforted. You are in pain. This suffering is worse than anyone can ever describe.

Please get to a IC for you to help get some clarity of how you need to deal with this going forward.

Look up the 180 and start it as fast as you can.

Hang in there and please know you DO matter.


[This message edited by 1Faith at 11:01 AM, July 12th (Friday)]

doggiediva posted 7/12/2013 11:08 AM

I don't think your WH is behaving as if he has true remorse..

He doesn't get to call the shots, in the aftermath of his infidelity..

I think love in a good M is based on respect....

IMHO, love in M should be unconditional in that the partners should expect that one or the other isn't ALWAYS going to be in the best of moods..One partner can give the other one space if needed without withdrawing the emotional support..

Love /respect in M should be conditional on BOTH partners doing their best to keep the M a safe and peaceful place where both partners want to be.. Emotional and physical support as well as fidelity should be a daily part of life..

Love and trust in a marriage is earned and and takes work to maintain from BOTH partners..

Who would want to love a deadbeat spouse who continually yells, swears, farts in public, and licks his plate in front of people after eating..It is this type of person who deserves to live alone in a cave somewhere

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:24 AM, July 12th (Friday)]

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