*I am not loved
You are loved. You are loved by your children, your family, your friends and God.
*I do not matter
You absolutely matter. You matter to your children first and foremost. You are their everything. They need their mother and they love you. You matter to your family, to your friends, to this SI community and to God. Do not undervalue your worth because of your WH horrible and selfish choices. Those are his to own. Do not let them define you.
*I am alone, don't have a real partner/marriage.
Only you and your WH can answer this. It comes down to how to you define a real partner and marriage and are you on the same page with those expectations? You can't read his mind and he can't read yours. Communication is key. Are either of you in IC? Define what a partner and a marriage means to you and assess if you both can work to make that happen.
*I am not worth the effort
Oh yes you are. You are worth it and then some. But you can't make someone show effort, remorse, love, care, etc. They have to do that on their own free will and from the heart. You are a mother to beautiful children, a wife, a friend. You are worth it.
*he regrets getting caught, not what happened
I would suggest IC for you both individually. He needs to do a deep dive to why he chose to cheat, why it was justifiable to him. He also needs to understand why he is incapable of dealing with the hard stuff. Life is not always rainbows and sunshine. For better and worse...in good times and in bad...marriage has them all.
*he gets to get away with it.
What would you need to happen to feel that he isn't "getting away with it?"
You can undo the past. You can only move forward. What do you need to see/feel from your husband in order to feel like you can accept the affair and move forward?
*Why am I staying?
Only you can answer that. We each have our own journey, our own path. You will know when you know. I do believe that. Either your WH will start showing remorse and help you heal or you will finally have enough and say I am done. Neither is right or wrong. It is what is right for you and your children.
I would hope your husband would have more care and compassion for your hurt. He caused it and the process of healing is just that, a process. You can't snap your fingers and be over it.
If he is truly committed to R then he has to love you when you are in a good mood and hold you tight when you are losing your mind. It's all part of it.
Hold on and know that you deserve to be cherished and comforted. You are in pain. This suffering is worse than anyone can ever describe.
Please get to a IC for you to help get some clarity of how you need to deal with this going forward.
Look up the 180 and start it as fast as you can.
Hang in there and please know you DO matter.
(((hugs)))
[This message edited by 1Faith at 11:01 AM, July 12th (Friday)]