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What's wrong with me

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savvy posted 7/12/2013 09:53 AM

What's wrong with me that I would be willing to give him another chance if he wanted to? Why would I do this. I see many people have multiple d-days and still have reconciled Why do I still cling to hope. I am just making this harder on myself

Pain pain go away!

tennispro posted 7/12/2013 10:03 AM

Hi,
I find myself considering R but then I ask myself why would I do that.
Truth is, it's almost less complicated. Divorce sounds really complicated. Starting a new life sounds terrifying. To be honest, I'm scared.
BUT, I can't live with this man. I know that I deserve better and even if I end up on my own after the kids grow up, I will be better to myself then he has been to me. He is not my soulmate. He is not my confident. He doesn't have my back. I've had his and been his faithful partner for 16yrs. I'm done.
Be strong and do what's best for YOU!

savvy posted 7/12/2013 10:25 AM

The thing is I do feel like he is my soulmate , up until this past few years he has always had my back. And even now with this crap going on I know I could call him for help with anything. And yes it does seem less complicated than divorce. And to give up on 30 years of memories. I can't bear it. How do I start over. So many different emotions.

MartlArts posted 7/12/2013 10:46 AM

Savvy,

you don't have to make a permanent decision now. Practice 180, focus on you. The rest will fall into place eventually.

1Faith posted 7/12/2013 14:06 PM

Because you are hurt and you love him. That is nothing to be ashamed of.

But right now you have to look into yourself and love yourself more. You have to be your biggest care taker.

He is not treating you well and this is unacceptable. Do not be an option for him. Do not.

You can't win him back. He has to want to come back willingly and with a full bucket of remorse. If it is any other way then it will be another false R.

I am so sorry you are hurting. 180, 180, 180.

Good luck and keep moving. You are strong. You can do this.

(((hugs)))

myperfectlife posted 7/12/2013 14:11 PM

I am in your shoes. My WS has gone back and forth between me and OW 3 or 4 times in the past month trying to make up his mind (or have both I think).
It seems like he may have turned a corner this week but I am so numb. I weep when I think of how hard I tried to save my M before I realized there was a PA.
If only he'd tried as hard when I was trying...if only.
Now, it may be too late.
When do we know if it is?

Have you heard the song "Barely Breathing" by Duncan Sheik? Look it up...

LovingFool posted 7/12/2013 14:28 PM

Savvy, I am so sorry. I experienced some trickle truth, but to the best of my knowledge have not had to experience his repeated returns to OW. I can only imagine the pain.

I agree that you need to work yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with having conflicted feelings. Of course after so many years , you feel like not just throwing that away.

I have a close relative that had several OM and kept going back to them off and on for a few years. Miracously enough, her and her BH are reconciling. They are both recognizing the whys of the affairs and working on better communication and becoming better spouses for each other. As much as it came as a shock to me to learn of this when I experienced my Dday, it has been helpful to see them and give me hope for my marriage.

I think your husband has some very serious soul searching to do and needs to recognize all of his whys. Why did the A happen? Why is/was it happening for that length of time? And why does he keep going back? The answers will not be easy for either of you. Hopefully he'll get some help in figuring the answers to these questions or it might just happen again -he could very well betray the OW with another OW.

Counseling may help open communication if he is willing. Be sure to find a good therapist therapist that you are comfortable wiith.

Hugs. Hang in there. Focus on you. Remember that this is a rollercoaster ride and be patient with yourself and all your emotions.

Reality posted 7/12/2013 16:23 PM

Oh, Savvy, I'm so sorry. That bipolar-seeming response is one of the worst parts of the whole betrayal lexicon of emotion.

There's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with feeling. Of course you're going to look at him and still be connected to all the ways you love and value him. He's the one that rejected that dynamic, not you.

Be easy on yourself. I know it's hard. Hugs, hugs, hugs.

seekingclarity posted 7/12/2013 17:43 PM

There is nothing wrong with you savvy. You are a loving, caring human being. You love and trusted your H. You were vested in the relationship and your marriage. You have been with him for a long time. Your memories, your life are connected to the relationship. Your heart will not disconnect as quickly as your head, your reason. I have come to believe that my WH has a character disorder of which I have been in denial about for almost as long as we've been together. I don't believe he has ever been completely faithful. Yet, it will be 26 years of M this month. We are currently in the process of D. I moved out in March, but I did not go NC until 2-3 weeks ago. He has lied to such a degree that I can only believe it is a pathology. Yet, there are mornings I wake up and briefly think I want to be back with him. I am in IC and I have finally begun the long road to emotional detachment, but it is and will be a long road - 2 steps forward and 1 step back so far. Don't be so hard on yourself Savvy. This was an assault, a trauma. It will take time. Go easy on yourself. Love yourself as much as you love him and be kind to yourself. I find that NC has been very beneficial in my healing. It helps that our children are legally adults, so I can discuss whatever I need to discuss with them and I can discuss other concerns with my attorney. With him, there has been absolutely NC for 3 weeks. It has made a difference. There is no wrong answer or wrong feeling in all of this. It is all part of the process. Hugs and warm wishes to you Savvy.

savvy posted 7/12/2013 22:00 PM

Thank you all for the replies as always it helps

Feeling pretty strong tonight , waiting for that roller coaster to start again

Jpapageorge posted 7/12/2013 23:21 PM

Be strong and do what's best for YOU!
you don't have to make a permanent decision now
Because you are hurt and you love him. That is nothing to be ashamed of.
Of course after so many years , you feel like not just throwing that away.
There's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with feeling.
Your heart will not disconnect as quickly as your head

Your friends who have already posted gave you some of the best advice you will ever receive. Even though I only chose a few quotes, take strength from everything they have written.

Hang in there.

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