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livebythesea posted 7/12/2013 10:23 AM

As of last Friday my spirits have been in a better, safer place. I have those moments which I try to deal with, within myself. My STD test came in "negative". And my H and I have been talking and talking. I see in his eyes now that he understands the wrong he did, the hurt he caused. The more we talk, the more we cry and laugh together, the more I believe him. I still have doubts, but maybe, just maybe I am being paranoid. After all, I do have my reasons.

Just wanted to let my readers know where I am at. Thank you all for your support, I know there are lot of you out there that think that I am being too reasonable, too quick to reconcile and perhaps too forgiving. Trust me, I still question myself if I did all those things too quickly.

We are definitely not out of the woods yet. I can see the road though ...

anewday78 posted 7/12/2013 10:29 AM

I'm happy you're in a better place now, LBTS. You've had quite a bit of years with your H, so I don't think you're being "too reasonable." Give yourself time, keep an open mind and a watchful eye. Don't take any crap, but don't be too much of a hard-ass. Try to enjoy yourself and take the opportunity to reconnect with your husband and make things extra special and exciting for both of you!

doesitgetbetter posted 7/12/2013 11:31 AM

You are not being too anything. You are going along with his demand to rug sweep and you are allowing him to bully you into believing his lies when you KNOW he's lying by all of his actions. Rug sweeping works for many because they simply can't deal with the reality, and that's fine for them. I would warn you though, rugsweeping OFTEN leads to additional DDays as well as a nasty habit of the pain emerging at inopportune times in your life when you least want to deal with the pain from the infidelity, and it often comes on harder than if you had dealt with it in the first place. Just ask some of our admitted former rugsweepers who are posting in the JFO forum after multiple more DDays, or 30 years after the initial DDay and they still feel the pain like it was today.

Jrazz posted 7/12/2013 11:58 AM

Great update! (All things considered, right?)

It's okay to tread carefully down whatever path you see fit. Don't worry about if people are "judging" you for being "too forgiving."

We all have our own experience and outlooks and we use them to try and help others, but at the end of the day you know in your heart what's best. We just want to help your "deep down" feelings guide you to the healthiest place possible.

I'm glad you can see that road. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. (And it's ok to hang onto doubts... you get to do that for as long as you need. )

[This message edited by Jrazz at 11:59 AM, July 12th (Friday)]

Duffy1958 posted 7/12/2013 12:18 PM

I second Jrazz.

It is a long road to reconciliation I think. I'm not there but I'm VERY happy for you.

When you can look into husbands eyes & he back & you KNOW you don't see anything, I think it is OK to proceed with caution. The eyes tell the truth. Good for you both!

Infidelity makes me think of that old movie "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" If he is truly out of the fog, he reclaimed his life & mind. If he continues, he can reclaim integrity & self-respect. He owes you a lot. Good job!

tushnurse posted 7/12/2013 14:22 PM

I know you probably felt I ws a bit tough on you last week. The reason was I could see some of myself in you. I knew what it took for us to really get to R. A real R.
That being said, I saw the real change from a false R to a real R occur when he finally broke. He broke when I was firm, and threw him out for breaking NC for the umpteenth time. Now you may know he never made it out the door, but he did have the snot running down his face, curled up on the floor boohooing epiphany. His whole attitude changed from that point forward. There were no more admissions of truths, I was told by him when OW attemtped contact. I was told by him why he felt the need to go back to her repeatedly. He really got it. He told me a day or two post epiphany that his whole goal in life from that point forward was to ensure my and our childrens safety and happiness. He has come through on that in prettymuch every way.

So I am not making judgements. If he is getting it, and seeing what he did, and working hard to fix it great. If he is rugsweeping, and you are going along with it, because the pain is just too great, please guard your heart. He will hurt you again.

I wish you the best of luck, and biggest of strength.

doggiediva posted 7/12/2013 14:34 PM

That is all I have to say too, is to guard your heart and protect your way of life..There is no hurry to make a solid decision one way or the other..

It would be good to stockpile resources,have cash saved, and a solid plan in place should R crumble...

I have been advising my grown kids that they should work and hope for the best in M and life but be prepared for the worst..

livebythesea posted 7/12/2013 14:56 PM

It has to come to a point where a H has told his wife everything. He tells me "there is nothing else to tell". He has serious eyes, I have absolutely nothing to go by. Just a bit of a doubtful feeling. Is that feeling coming from all the lies he previously told me? I dont want this shit coming back to haunt me years from now, but I do have to live with what I have. Dont know what else to do.

doesitgetbetter posted 7/12/2013 15:23 PM

He tells me "there is nothing else to tell". He has serious eyes, I have absolutely nothing to go by

You have his actions to go by, which just this week were screaming at you that he was still lying because he told you he would leave if you made him go through with the poly. Reread your posts, read them all, you'll see what his "actions" have been telling you. Then figure out what you "know" and what his eyes are "telling" you.

Jrazz posted 7/12/2013 17:14 PM

I agree that the eyes thing can sometimes be a tell, but not always, and certainly not reliably.

Keep asking yourself if you are living in a space you've created to feel safe, or if it's reality. Only you know the answer to that.

The more we talk, the more we cry and laugh together, the more I believe him.

Keep communicating. This is a great thing. Just remember that your gut will likely tell you more truth than his eyes ever could.


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