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Newest Member: danisisu7 (61142)

User Topic: Not wanting to talk about it?
♀ 39588
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now this last Dday was a month of crap so I feel all the detail questions have been answered for the most part. I tell WS when I am sad, angry, etc but sort of beat around the bush as to why because of my own discomfort. I don't know if this would be considered rugsweeping or what. Just thinking about that one night (and the pics that led up to it) makes me so angry/disgusted that its easier to focus on other things.

Should I be talking about it more? Our MC says I need to come to him alone to unload my feelings but I don't want to even do that. :/

Me (BS): 36
Him aka narcissistic psychopath (WS): 36
Married 17 years 6 kids ages 16-7
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

Filed for divorce 5/8/15

Posts: 326 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 32753
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you're not wanting to talk about it, but at the same time you're worried about rugsweeping, then maybe a compromise? Maybe certain times during the week you specifically check in with him about how you're feeling as you heal. That way it's not forgotten, the lines of communication are open, yet you might feel less inundated. Just a suggestion.

Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 4207 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sharing feelings with someone you don't trust is scary and not necessarily effective, and you have lots of reasons not to trust your H. In other words, I think I understand your reluctance.

At the same time, if you want to R, he has to be with you, and you have to find whatever you need that will allow you to share, for 2 reasons.

First, sharing feelings helps R succeed. Sharing feelings brings people together.

Second, this tests your WS. If he provides support when you're sad and scared and listens non-defensively when you vent your anger, you both win. If he doesn't, and if he doesn't learn how to do these things, you have some evidence for why R isn't going well.

Sharing feelings seem to make you weaker, but actually it is an exercise in strength. Try it out - if he steps up, do more. If he doesn't, you can find someone else to provide emotional support (like an IC, not like a new partner - I'm opposed to looking for a new partner until you dump your current one).

I hope he'll deliver - but no one will know how he'll respond until you test him.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:21 PM, July 12th (Friday)]

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16581 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 39734
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sometimes would have the same problem. what helped me was writing in a journal every day. I was still getting my thoughts and feelings out without having to "tell" someone. I would leave my journal out and told H he was free to read it whenever he wanted. It took him about a week, but eventually he started reading it in the evenings. For the last few months I write, he reads it and then we spend time cuddling in bed at night talking about it. It really seemed to help me get it out without getting upset and angry so that he could take it all in. He said it helped him have a better understanding of how deep my pain is.

Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everything Sisoon said

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 2:36 PM, July 12th (Friday)]

BS/FWS (me):43 Madhatter
WS/BS:46 Serial Cheater
Together 20 years, Married 15
DD(13) DS(10)
DDay(s) Too many to count
False R 7/11/14 Same OW2
"Never seek validation from those who are unworthy."

Posts: 4045 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
♂ 27650
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


This is why I think that a period of "not divorcing" is a good step between dday and R. Your dday is very recent. It is understandable that you are angry and have much to work through. OTOH, even if your WH wants to R and wants to support you, he has not had much time to own his crap and begin to process through his wayward thinking.

Now, I am all for venting at the WS, he or she caused this mess and as far as I am concerned can damn well face the fire. But I do not expect this venting to move the M relationship forward; it is just the BS letting out some of the explosion of emotion.

Eventually it will be helpful for you to work through with your WH (if you intend to R) your feelings about his betrayal. This is a BIG part of your M to WH now. If you are to R, I think that you ultimately need to have a common understanding (not necessarily agreement) of his A and the feelings you both had at the time. This will likely be easier to do once he has some insight and understanding to why he had his A and what he was trying to accomplish, and you have made some progress towards acceptance and healing.

For now, unloading with alone with MC (IC) will give you a chance to put your feelings to voice, and some assistance in sorting through what you feel and what you need to move forward. Reprocessing an event multiple times is a common technique for coming to acceptance and eventual self-soothing after a traumatic event. The important part is to process through these feelings, not wallow in them nor ignore them.

dday 10.5.09

Posts: 4173 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Topic Posts: 6

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