Geez, I don't even know how to start this post. I am being eaten up inside by indecision and anxiety.
There have been years of emotional abuse in my marriage. He has always had a temper and has had several terrifying rages that lasted 8-10 hours.
The last decade my WH checked out both literally and figuratively. He left me on multiple occasions and led me to believe we were separated for months on end.
He would shun me for weeks if I dared get out of bed without having sex with him. I was emotionally punished if I slept on my left side making it difficult for him to hold my breast like a security blanket while he slept.
His A began with a make out session at a conference (no sex because OW was too drunk to stand up). Followed by no contact for 7 months. EA commenced for a month and then PA/EA for 8 months. A ended when I found skype chats and confronted. he went NC immediately (confirmed).
He violated every aspect of my privacy: Told OW my medical history, sent pictures of our kids, our home, our trips. Texted her while lying in bed next to me. Sexted with her immediately after having sex with me, even described what he wanted to do to her, which was exactly what we had just done.
He asked her to marry him. She said yes.
They planned confrontations for him to have with me and would gleefully discuss them afterwards. He told me the only purpose I served was for sex, nothing else I did mattered.
You have to realize I was his complete support system for decades. He had nothing to do with the kids because that was beneath him and his pay grade. In fact, the kids usually pissed him off because they would interrupt his concentration by trying to talk to him.
I handled EVERYTHING in our lives. EVERYTHING. He just concentrated on himself and his career.
Now? He has not raged or even just lost his temper in 13 months (dday was 14 months ago). He is kind to the kids. He actually has started participating in their lives. He has started participating in the family and the household. He has stopped shunning me, stopped punishing me and stopped emotionally abusing me.
He is NOW exactly what I have asked for our entire marriage.
But now I feel nothing for him. I warned him for years he was killing the love I felt for him. Now I am pretty sure it is completely dead. The only thing I usually feel around him is anxiety. The same anxiety I felt trying to live with the Evil Him.
My questions: Did any of you have a similar situation? How did you decide to D?
I know many of you are divorcing remorseless WH or your WH has left for the OW.
I would like to hear from the BW who had a remorseful WH who completely turned himself around and became the H they deserved all along. Yet the BW still decided to D.
I need to figure out what I want to do. I have absolutely no desire for sex with my WH, yet I love sex. I want to have sex with someone. I have no passion for WH whatsoever. "Faking it til I make it" only makes me feel like a liar and puts me right back where I was before: put out when he wants (usually inappropriate times) or be shunned.