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When the cheater was cheated on

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Duffy1958 posted 7/12/2013 12:06 PM

My husbands first marriage ended in divorce because of his wife's infidelity.

According to him, after 18 years of marriage, she was bored, he worked too much & she cheated. He didn't know (?), she said she wanted space, he moved out & ask for counseling. They met for counseling the first time, she was already there. When he walked in she said, "I want the house. X amount of spousal support, X amount of child support, half your retirement, the paper work is being drawn up." So they divorced. She got all of those things & everything else. He gave her everything. I think he thinks "nice her back"

He said it wasn't until 3 years after divorce he found out she cheated. He never told me how or with whom.

I DO know she had somewhat of a revolving bedroom door for awhile & that an UNDERAGE boy, I think 14-15 no older than 15 was one of the ppl benefiting from it. I don't know anymore than that & that part is not from hubs & I think he would lie for her.

He doesn't know yet, I "outed" the underage molestation to family members. I didn't know, nor did I do it on purpose but I dont take it back. This was 25+ years ago & she hasn't re-offended but none the less, she DID molest a kid.

My husbands first marriage was his everything. It really was. I can not undo anything & I'M not a side piece.

I think, (just me thinking here) but I think because he doesn't value our marriage, he could do what he did & not view it as actually cheating.

I feel VERY used in a sick, back & forth game between he & his first wife. She has always played games in 13+ years. His responses are always inappropriate for a committed married man & I guess the only thing which has saved our relationship thus far has been the limited exposure to the ex.

There is some sort if tie there. I don't know how to give it a name.

I told my husband, "I have always felt like there was something about ex which you respond to that I don't posess. I don't take it personally." I just felt like we were different but he was committed. I think he was for a time. I think he has "backslid".

I don't even care what it is about her that "does it" for him. I have nothing but complete distaste in my mouth for ex. If that's what he wants. Well that's what he gets.

I told my husband the adage "There is no fool like an old fool" comes to mind. It completely shut him up. Guilty knowledge.

Kalliopeia posted 7/12/2013 12:25 PM

you don't take it personally? If it is effecting your marriage, it is personal.

My brother does the same thing to his current wife. He loves his ex, and he mostly never has anything to do with her, but his current wife knows it. She is not happy about it.

silverhopes posted 7/12/2013 12:30 PM

I think, (just me thinking here) but I think because he doesn't value our marriage, he could do what he did & not view it as actually cheating.

Yep. Using fickle emotions as gauges for commitments rather than the actual commitments themselves. What a horrible thing to do to the other person (you) to whom said commitments are made. That's him living subjectively rather than authentically.

I feel VERY used in a sick, back & forth game between he & his first wife.

Pay attention to this. You are probably right on in your instincts. There shouldn't be a game between them to begin with, especially one involving his commitment to you. Is he in IC?

Duffy1958 posted 7/12/2013 13:27 PM

Kalli:No. I DIDN'T take it personally. The relationship I have had with my husband is not the same as previous. I did & have felt secure in what we had. Now no. I thank you for the example you give of your brother. I know it happens & I am convinced it is.

Silver:No my husband is in denial. I am not talking to him. I am 180, no longer taking his needs into consideration. I am going to go to counseling for myself & I'm planning on leaving the state. I will take care of these basics before I do paperwork. It is a reality which takes getting use to when there is not a full blown discovery of a PA. In his mind he's not guilty. Swears to God. (scares me)

His ex there is something very wrong with her. I think he has KISA driven tendencies & as broken as I am, she is, may not be able to come back from the brink.

I don't compare myself to her. She has nothing that I want. Not even his heart. It grosses me out & at the same time my emotions scream at the insult & indignity of this betrayal. I am in shock. I am pissed off beyond measure & I don't play games with anyone. He is on his own & he will be alone. I have my dignity & self respect. I can go a long ways on that. I will be Ok. Trauma is not new to me.

Thank you both for feed back. I'm bouncing off the walls & still trying to make progress. It's hard.

UndecidedinMA posted 7/12/2013 13:51 PM

OK I am not sure why he is even in contact with her. Please don't tell me he has children with her - he doesn't. He has adults with her, he does not need to speak with her just them.

I was kinda in the same situation, my FWSO told me she was like a drug. You know what an addict does with drugs - they quit them, they go NC. My FWSO has been NC from the moment I told him her or me. You need to make him make that choice, be prepared to walk if need be.

You will never be secure as long as he has contact with her.

BTW what does him being former LEO have to do with it? I am 28 years with LE, so that is just baloney.
edited cause I cannot spell

[This message edited by UndecidedinMA at 1:52 PM, July 12th (Friday)]

Duffy1958 posted 7/12/2013 17:43 PM

Undecided, I understand what you are saying. The kids are adults now & along with that, grandchildren etc. Grandkids birthdays, kindergarten graduations etc. It has been endurable until now.

The thing is she may be out iof site, but evidently not out of mind. We could miss all of those things & there have been times I have taken time out from family obligations because it's too taxing. It isn't what I want for myself or my family at all.

He & I have had lengthy conversations about boundaries, especially so because of his history. I did not just take his word for things by any stretch. He had a long time
of proving himself. I'm gob smacked by these recent events but no matter how I dissect it, he was gonna go for it.

I'm not sure at all why you don't think his 30 years of training etc don't have a bearing on things. It does. If he were walking down the street, you would know he was a cop. I know of his training & I see it. "creative report writing" his "reports" of the week are very creative.

When I talk to him about body language, he will blow it off. What a lying sack. I could tell you of many instances where he used "body language" to warn him of impending trouble. Downplays it in this instance. It's BS.

The list goes on.

The thing is, we have the same gatherings with my children etc. Ex's are there. I visit with everyone but I do pay special attention to my ex husbands wife because I want her to feel comfortable. I like her better than him anyway. He cheated on me. I just don't hate him because when it's over, it's over. He could still piss me off but I have no feelings of ill will.

When my ex hit on me, I did not deny there was a sitch. My husband & I discussed it & it came down to him putting my ex in his place. Now we all get along. Very Zen.

Now there is the flip side of the coin & I just can't deny it nor tolerate it.

It makes me want to scream profanities. Oh wait. I DID do that. They are STILL firing in my head.

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