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PurpleHaze73 posted 7/12/2013 12:09 PM

I found out on Sunday that my husband has been having, at the very least, an emotional affair with his ex since July 2012. We have been married 15 years and have 2 young children. I have had my suspicions over the past year but my husband has gone to great lengths to convince me I was being crazy, unfair, and unjustified when I voiced my concerns aloud. I didn't trust my gut. I believed him. I trusted him. At least about this. I have caught him in 2 pretty big lies over the past 6 months, one about going off his antidepressants, one about money. But I thought better of his character than this. We have not been intimate in some time and have had our share of issues over the past few years. But I always believed deep down we could work things out. Part of me believes he could do this to me, but I am devastated that he could do this to our children. I was a mess on Sunday, crying and screaming. (Particularly after he handed me 2 such tired old cliches, one that he contacted his ex to "find himself" , the other that I should be glad he had the affair because he didn't leave me and we are still together). I burst into tears a few times at work on Monday, and I sobbed hysterically at my therapy appt Monday afternoon. But since then I have been numb. I have not cried. I feel really angry and betrayed but I don't feel like I'm connecting with it. He is still in the home with us. I only talk to him on as needed basis. My friends and parents keep asking me what I'm going to do. I don't know. I can't talk to him yet, not without a moderator or something. He gave me the worlds most half-a**ed apology Wednesday night. The best parts? He leaves for a business trip Monday. And we'd have a vacation scheduled the 1st week of August. I don't now what to do, how to figure out what to do next, and what I actually want. Any help would be appreciated.

lamplighter posted 7/12/2013 12:16 PM

I'm so sorry. I feel your pain. i am going through something similar with an unapologetic husband who no longer treats me with love, and who is having an emotional affair with an ex. He is infatuated with her and now sees only the bad in me.

I feel for you, I'm here for you. Please take care of you, you, you, and your beautiful children.

1Faith posted 7/12/2013 14:01 PM

Dear Purple

Sorry you found your way to our club. The club no one ever wanted to be a member of.

Please know this is a safe place. One of healing, one of caring, one of support.

Please take some time to wrap your head and heart around this devastating news.

You are in shock and rightfully so. This information is too much for your mind and body to absorb. Your feeling numb is your body's response to the news. Completely normal.

You don't have to make any major decisions right now. Just take it one day at a time.

Please go to the upper right hand corner and start reading everything you can in the healing library. Read, read, read. Knowledge is power.

Did your husband admit to the affair?

Is he sorry, remorseful?

Hang in there and know you aren't alone.


unwound posted 7/12/2013 14:50 PM

Sorry you had to join us PurpleHaze73. It is a good place to be at this point though.

Tripletrouble posted 7/12/2013 17:12 PM

Hugs PH. You came to the right place for advice and understanding. I found the evidence literally minutes before my WH walked out the door for a business trip and had to spend 4 agonizing days waiting to confront him. I never cried in that time - its compartmentalizing and you do it to survive. He left again for another business trip a week after dday. It was hell. Then, 2 months out, a family vacation already paid for. Again, hell. The reading library is excellent, and other members will hear and understand your pain and confusion. All the best to you.

Althea posted 7/12/2013 17:34 PM

I'm so sorry you have to find yourself here Purple Haze, but this site and the advice you will receive were a God send for me. Don't worry that your current reaction is not "right" or that you don't know what you want right now. It is totally normal. Concentrate on taking care of yourself, eating, drinking, etc. and taking care of your children. Not speaking to your WH is probably for the best right now anyway given the fact that he doesn't sound all that remorseful or that he has even gone no contact with his ex since you found out.

As for the family vacation, that is a tricky one. Many would not go. We had one scheduled for about a month after I discovered my WH's affair and decided to go anyway. It was a mixed bag. A year later, I don't know whether it was good or bad. I think I ended up going because the kids and I were really looking forward to it, and I didn't want it to be yet one more thing he destroyed for us KWIM?

Anyway, just take it one day at a time for now. Maybe use the time he is gone to do some sleuthing. See if you can figure out more of what is going on with the ex?

Skan posted 7/12/2013 20:14 PM

Hey there. I'm so sorry that you had the reason to come find us, but I'm so glad that you did find us for support.

If you have not already, please look in the upper left corner, where the yellow box is and click on The Healing Library. Start reading. Read any post in this forum that has a bulls-eye next to it. There is really good information for you in all of those places articles that have been written by people who have been there.

I would suggest that while he is gone on "business," would be a perfect time for you to go see a lawyer and find out what your rights are, for both separation and divorce. You need not do anything about it at this time, however knowledge is power and you need to know ultimately what you are entitled to should you need it. I would also take this time to read up on the 180 (link here ) and think long and hard about what YOU want and need. Frankly, most men don't only have an EA they want to get past that part quickly and get to the physical part of the affair. So since you already know that your WH is a liar, I would not trust his word on that one little bit. Several Big Fat Red Flags are waiving with you finding out that he has quit his ADs and has lied to you about money. Yet another reason to see that lawyer. I sincerely doubt that he did both of those actions for your betterment.

And please, keep coming back for support. We're all here for you. (((hugs)))

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