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osxgirl posted 7/12/2013 14:25 PM

Wow! So, I just realized... this year would have been my 20th anniversary with my X if we had not D'd.

Why is this realization important? I hadn't thought about it until now, and even then, it was only because I was reading another thread where someone was talking about what anniversary it would have been for them.

It's July... the anniversary would have been in the beginning of May.

In other words - what would have been an important milestone went by completely unnoticed by me. Which is great!

This year will be my 6th anniversary with DH. We got married about 4 1/2 years after my D. Like anyone, we have good days and bad, but overall, things are so much better this time around.

I just thought I would comment on all this because... even though I know I was healed enough by the time I started dating DH... there are levels of healing all the way along when you go through this.

DH and I used to joke about my "baggage"... that we were throwing it out of the car on our way down to our wedding/honeymoon. But even when healed, there can still be some "baggage" left behind.

I still have a few areas where I tend to be over-sensitive with DH because of things my X used to say or do (there was mental/emotional abuse). But those are getting to be further and fewer between.

And I find it quite encouraging that I didn't even remember that this would have been a "big" anniversary until well after the fact, and only when reminded because of someone else talking about it. It wasn't that long ago that I would have at least been a little melancholy about a missed milestone like that - even though I'm happy that I've moved on and have a much better life now. It was just a sadness for "what might have been".

But now, I don't even miss the "might have beens".

The point? Well... I know we all talk about going through D and NB as a roller coaster. And maybe at the end it sort of is like one.

But I think a better analogy is a pendulum. The swings can be really big at the beginning, but eventually, they get less and less until they finally die out completely.

seekingright2013 posted 7/12/2013 18:48 PM

Thanks for sharing this, osxgirl. Good to know about others' happily-ever-afters. It gives me hope.

caregiver9000 posted 7/12/2013 20:39 PM

hi osxgirl!

Nice update!

pendulum is good analogy. I like it.

kernel posted 7/12/2013 21:14 PM

Nice update! Especially because you just reminded me that I didn't even notice what would have been my 28th back in June. Sweet!!!!!!

[This message edited by kernel at 9:13 AM, July 13th (Saturday)]

osxgirl posted 7/13/2013 08:17 AM

Thx all!

And that's great, kernel! It feels really good, doesn't it?

One thing I'd like to say about my update to all those who are alone and not happy about it....

I was that way at first. During the separation and for the first couple of years after the D, I felt really cheated. My X went out and found someone new, left me hanging, and it looked like I would be alone the rest of my life. I made a lot of mistakes on the dating front - mostly because I was still hurting a lot and not really healed much from everything that had happened.

By the time I met my DH, though, I was actually happy being alone. I met him on a dating site, but I had just been kind of looking around, not sure if I was even going to try and date anyone. He contacted me, and he was about ready to give up on me because I was putting off meeting him. I just wasn't sure I should even try jumping back in - I'd gotten pretty comfortable and happy being on my own.

What I'm saying is this: while I'm happy I met someone, and I really love him, by the time I got to that point I had realized that I would have been happy staying single.

And I know that if something happens in the future and I'm single again, it will be ok.

The new beginning is really more about figuring out how to be happy and enjoy life whatever it brings.

Dawn58 posted 7/13/2013 08:29 AM

Thank you so much for your post! I am 7 1/2 months out from Dday, so still very much in the trenches. I am starting to feel like I am letting go though, less rage and pain now. I am starting to think about the things that make me happy. I feel lonely at times, miss being held so much. But, I am also starting to enjoy my FREEDOM!!! Wow, no narcissist around to drain me every day. I get to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. Clean the house when I want to, spend my time the way I want to and not be on his schedule anymore. No one waking me up in the middle of the night to rub his back. No one's temper to deal with. No more walking on egg shells. I make the financial decisions for myself now. I am learning that I can take care of myself, in spite of going through the worse pain I have ever endured. I am strong. And I know I will come through this as the loving woman that I am. His affair will not define me, it defines who he is and the type of woman he is with now. She's willing to accept a cheat and a liar as her partner. I deserve better.

jjct posted 7/13/2013 08:55 AM

This is great!

I feel almost exactly the same - from 'dates' passing by without notice, to "it's going to be ok"...

You 'stole' my update,

but still, I applaud you LOUD and LONG!
.

cmego posted 7/13/2013 09:14 AM

But I think a better analogy is a pendulum. The swings can be really big at the beginning, but eventually, they get less and less until they finally die out completely.

I really like ^^^^ analogy. It certainly feels that way for me now.

Since I'm still legally married...my 18th wedding anniversary is around the corner. I had to seriously stop and think to even remember which one this will be. Ahhh...sweet detachment.

This WILL be my last anniversary. Filing in September and looking forward to it.

kernel posted 7/13/2013 15:11 PM

Congrats to you too, jjct!

osxgirl posted 7/13/2013 15:40 PM

Dawn- I'm happy if this helped a little. Sounds like you are well on your way! And yes, the freedom is absolutely WONDERFUL, isn't it!

And jjct - thanks! I'm glad to hear others getting to this point too!

I really think that old saying is true; the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.