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crazyblindsided (original poster member #35215) posted at 9:08 PM on Friday, July 12th, 2013
I just read somewhere that in order to have an A the WS re-writes the M in a more negative light and when R occurs then the A gets re-written in a more negative light to save the M.
So does this mean that the A was more important than the M during the A? I'm not sure why I even care, but I am bothered by this. What if the A really did mean something, but the WS or BS or both will rewite it so that the WS either doesn't look so bad and also so that the BS feels better about the A.
Thoughts anyone?
[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 3:08 PM, July 12th (Friday)]
fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024
sudra ( member #30143) posted at 9:47 PM on Friday, July 12th, 2013
I agree that the marriage is re-written in a more negative light during the A by the WS.
With respect to the A, I think it's more that the WS realizes that the AP wasn't really "all that," and that the A had no basis in reality, which the WS likely didn't realize at the time. So yea, in retrospect, to the WS, the A looks worse once s/he comes out of the fog.
Just my opinion.
Me (BW) (5\64), Him(SAWH) (68)Married 31 years, 1 son (28), 1 stepdaughter (36) DDay #1 January 2004DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)Working on R
1Faith ( member #38975) posted at 10:20 PM on Friday, July 12th, 2013
I believe there is so much distortion during an A with nothing being based on honesty and truth that it would be nearly impossible to judge.
I am sure it depended on the day. When they were on their affair high, I am sure the A was more important because they were making the conscious choice to be there and cheat. They put the A first over the M.
The A meant something at the time. It was validation, fulfillment, ego boost, whatever. Whatever it meant didn't make it right but I do believe it meant something or it never would have happened.
BOOM DDay = and there is a whole new reality. Fear of losing the M, the BS, the family. Looking at the A without rose colored glasses and seeing it for what it is; a shell of a relationship based on lies and deceit. Suddenly it isn't so appealing most of the time.
We all compartmentalize to make it through is some manner. That and I believe in most cases, the BS will never know everything.
My 2.
(((hugs)))
Sometimes my life feels like a test I didn't study for
crazyblindsided (original poster member #35215) posted at 11:00 PM on Friday, July 12th, 2013
sudra yes what you say rings true for my RA. I am 5 years out and confessed all to my WH. My XAP wasn't "all that." In fact I am appalled at myself not only for having done such a thing (RA) but the person I chose as an AP.
But my WH's A seemed hard for him to let go, hence all of our DDays and False R.
And 1Faith I believe my WH's A went just as you described, putting the A before the M. Heck at the time it felt like we weren't married, he was never home.
Unfortunately it took a 4th DDay for me to put my *ahem* boots on and that is when he turned around for fear of losing me, family, stability, memories, friends, and I think he knew a relationship with her full time would never have worked.
fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024
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