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wadingthroughit posted 7/12/2013 19:34 PM

Not sure if this is where I should put this, but we are reconciling so here goes! This will be LONG so hold on to your hats! I have been lurking basically since I have found out but I'm not a very social person.

Back in November of last year we had our son. It was in the end of October/beginning of November (right after our 2 year wedding anniversary!!!) that all of this went down. I found out about a week before I had the boy, and was false laboring all week because of the stress.

My husband has been very seemingly remorseful but there is of course that paranoid part of my brain that worries I'm being conned, because of all the darn TTing.

So let's begin, shall we?

Back in February, we had a long discussion about finances, maturity etc on starting a family, and after reading that it could take up to a year to get pregnant we decided to start trying for a baby on Valentine's Day (since my hubby has always worried he's infertile anyway. He has a testicle thing... and he never wears condoms during sex because he goes soft with them on, trust me I tried in the beginning, multiple times. Disgusting though now with the affair and everything V_V)

After a couple sexings I started to get nervous and back out mentally, but I wouldn't say that I just asked him if he was sure because he had seemed so unsure until that talk. His response was basically that now that he didn't have to pull out a couple times there was no way he was going back to it now. (He has been ever since the birth though)

We were both shocked when I discovered a month later that I was pregnant, and we were both terrified but neither one of us would really admit it. It was all jokes and half-scared remarks. My hubby was still at a job that he had wanted to only be at temporarily and was making a pretty low-income wage, and I had to quit my job after a couple months as it was too much stress on my body and the people there were not being nice about it.

He started to shut me out, and he definitely tried to pretend to be interested in anything baby-related to be a good father, but was always very irritated when it was brought up. I was extra clingy and was always asking him to stay home instead of going to his normal fun times out that he was used to (No drinking or anything, basically think of it like guy's poker night lol)

So right after our anniversary red flags started popping up everywhere. He especially clung to his phone. He left it in his pants when he was sleeping though on the floor, and I thought a few times about getting it and finally built up the nerve one morning to tell him I was going to the store and asked him if I could take his phone with me (I didn't have a phone at the time, as I was always at home I used our iPod to text/call him with our wifi) In his half-asleep stupor he said it was fine. I got out to the car and read the first two texts. Disgusting things they were. Her talking about his size and about how good he feels basically.

I confronted my husband in a dizzy mess and he kept apologizing. He swore it was just sexting and told me 'the truth' about her (I had known he was texting with her occasionally, supposedly she was hooking us up with baby clothes and she was lonely and he was going to set her up with one of his friends. Phhbt) He told her they could never talk again, and to my knowledge they never have.

After a few weeks and having the baby, I found flirty texts with another woman that he was working with at the time, and I was mad at him again. He apologized, said I was right that he shouldn't even flirt and told me he'd tell her not to anymore and he wouldn't do it.

A few more weeks later she's giving him rides to and from work because of the crappy car we had at the time and the fact that I didn't want to give him rides sometimes and it was just easier.

One night when he got home from a ride with her I told him I felt uneasy (because I had been) and basically he broke down and told me yes he had still been flirting with her, yes he had had sex with the other woman (tried to make it sound like more her fault then his, though of course. They had sex once and she blew him at work twice, yuck) but swore he never did anything with the girl at work, just had been in the car with her flirting, had felt like if he had been presented the opportunity he WOULD have done something with her and felt awful that he would have put me through that so close to the first one.

He basically was in tears for like a week and we were doing everything we could (short of counseling, because we couldn't afford it) to try and salvage our marriage.

A few weeks later he swore it was the final truth, and told me that he had in fact touched the girl at works breasts (apparently I had said at some point that if I had found out anything went on between them I would have left but I don't remember) and that it was all his idea with girl number 1.

Girl number 1 was stalking him, I believe she faked a pregnancy scare (she kept going to his work, and at one point like less than a week after their sex, said she was late and thought she was pregnant. and got no reaction out of him other than 'let me know') She finally left him alone when she did one of her pathetic stalkings while I was up there and I didn't even say anything. I just stared her down and she bursted out looking humiliated and hasn't bothered him since.

Anyway the other part was there was a problem with porn, where I had felt insecure about it, yelled at him because I keylogged him and caught him looking at jailbait, and got into huge fights over him HIDING the porn. He kept lying about not using it, and finally started to tell me when he did it instead and apologize. I'm a little more secure about it now when he does do it, which is almost never, and he doesn't do jailbait anymore, and he tells me when he does it if I ask (or if I ask him to tell him if he does it)

We moved away from that wretched town, and we are staying with my parents til we move elsewhere nearby (they don't know, my bff knows and his mom knows because his dad cheated on her for years and then left her and I confided in her but she wasn't as much help as I'd hoped because her son is of course a shining angel :P) He got a new better paying job, but it's contracted out driving around, and I have these sick porn-type fantasies of some lady answering in her nightie and him taking her up on it because it would be just like the pornos :(

He's been so remorseful I feel, and we have gotten back to God and felt so much better, but I have this horrible underlying fear that he will be like his father and cheat on me again, and I am so worried about it. I worry when he's out too late at the job, and I worry when he hasn't texted me (normally it's because of crappy signal and he actually did text me and can show me where he did, I just didn't get it yet)

I think I still want to go to counseling after we get settled in, but I don't think he does. I do know however that he will if I want to, because that's just how he's been.

I'm just so scared :(

I feel like I've left something out now, and I also don't even remember what questions I wanted to ask! I just feel better typing it all out to people in the same sort of situations.

Oh one thing was I think I'd like to be able to monitor him on his smartphone. He tried to help me find an app to do it, but we couldn't find a free one and we couldn't afford a paid for one at the time (but he offered to buy one anyway)

I think I'm just paranoid that he's doing this for show, but I know in my heart he's truly remorseful. I'm just so all over the place @_@

He wants me to be able to track him etc because he wants me to have the peace of mind to know that everything's okay instead of me just guessing.

I don't know how tracking his phone would help with the crazy repair guy type fantasy though lol I'm probably weird about it because he kept hinting that I could blow him at his last job but I never would because I didn't want to put his job in jeopardy but then he ended up doing that with her, yuck.

I'm going insane V_V

Any tips would be helpful! We've read a few articles and looked at books. I've just started looking at the 5 love languages.

OH yeah. If anyone wanted to know what we've done to help our marriage: Neither of us doesn't say something for fear of the others reaction anymore, and we try not to react to harshly to things we hear to keep it that way; I've stopped being so sensitive about every little comment, and he's stopped suppressing his anger til it explodes into a breaking something ragefit.

I know it's only been 8 months, but I really feel like things are getting better.

I really don't know why I've been feeling paranoid. I haven't really felt any suspicion, and he hasn't acted any different. I think I can see a smooth future right on the horizon, and it has thrown me into a panic mode because I have just been so used to all of this for the last year or however long, and I'm afraid of just letting things get back to 'normal'.

Thanks for reading if you read it all @_@ I'm eager to hear everyone's responses. I'm willing to answer any questions. <3

Oh also just remembered. He never really came up with 'excuses' he dug up reasons after a few months because I told him he needed to. Said he felt pushed into having a baby because he hadn't pushed me on not when we had the discussion. Felt scared of the responsibility. Felt useless for not being able to get an amazing job that could support us without me working and being able to buy us all we wanted as well.

We're both happy being parents now, though :) And he doesn't act nearly as selfish as he used to, nor does he worry as much about money or at the very least about all the material things.

^ All of that belonged in there somewhere around the baby fearing time, but I just am so scattered I can't get this whole thing organized properly :P

wadingthroughit posted 7/12/2013 19:36 PM

Wow that is long. I'm sorry I like getting everything out ^_^;; I should have been posting here since the beginning :P

Knowing posted 7/12/2013 21:30 PM

I just wanted to let you know I read your story. I'm sorry you find yourself here. Enjoy your son. They are only young once.

I hope you can get into IC soon, it is invaluable. i inderstand money can be tight, there are free resources out there, helplines, etc... I have used helplines, social workers and free counselling extensively all my life.

Consider copying and pasting what you wrote here in your profile so we know your backstory.

Althea posted 7/13/2013 14:58 PM

The paranoia is something that gets easier with time and if your WH's actions continue to show you that he is being truthful. I never did too much monitoring in terms of phone GPS, but did the basics like checking phone records and getting passwords to all accounts. I think at a minimum it makes sense to check those periodically, especially since he lied so much about whether or not he was involved with different people and the extent of his involvement.

If you can afford MC, or IC I would highly recommend it. Both have helped us very much.

Good luck!

wadingthroughit posted 7/13/2013 16:25 PM

I already have all the passwords, but I had those before. The only thing he used was his phone. I don't know how to get texts/calls etc that he would delete because after what happened I know he would just delete them.

I think we will be getting counseling as soon as we have settled in. Where would I even find free counseling services?

I am definitely enjoying my son :) <3

Lionne posted 7/13/2013 19:22 PM

There is so much I want to say to you, but let me just start with something practical...

Life360 is a free smartphone app that let's you track another smartphone. Like ALL GPS based apps they are NOT perfect.

You sound young. Please keep in mind that you have your whole life in front of you, so does he, both of you have some work to do. He has terrible boundaries and appears to have some compulsive tendencies. He needs to address these and also figure out WHY he allowed himself to cheat. Until he does, he is at risk to do it again, and you have every right to feel paranoid. And you deserve to feel safe.

I am not saying he isn't sorry, isn't remorseful. He may love you and want to change, want to be the person he should be for you. But the risk is that he does have these poor boundaries, compulsive tendencies and has lied and cheated and may do so again unless he gets significant professional help.

Please INSIST on it. It shouldn't be up to debate. I was the young, naive, forgiving, loving wife that you are. My SAfWH's behavior escalated into full-blown sex addiction because I didn't insist on help early on. I don't want that to happen to another woman.

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