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WH forgetting AP? How?

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QuestionItAll posted 7/12/2013 19:44 PM

hello everyone,
I've lurked here for a bit but this is my first post. All the info, insight and advice has been helpful.

Unfortunately, I don't think we are in R. WH still can't process quality time as my main LL, and each day that goes by without an effort from him makes me wonder if he really is doing everything he can. How can he say that when there are specific things I ask him to make time for (date night, lunch date, tv watching time, book discussions) that do not happen because he is too busy?

I have never seen this asked, but would like your input on my situation. WH claims he "forgot" his AP's name. He had a 3 month EA/PA with her, risked his marriage and kids for her; and he
forgot her name?! He swears that to me, our MC and the 3 friends of ours that know the situation. No one really believes it. I had to remind him after he went days saying he could not remember ( he had told me it shortly after dday. By August he had forgotten.) Who does that?!

This is an issue again because 2 nights ago we saw something with the kids and one of the main characters was HER name. To make it even worse, the character's love interest was my WH's name! So it was 'AP & WH' all through the show. The only reason I sat through it was because the kids were really enjoying it.. Afterwards, he asked me what was wrong. I asked him if he was joking or crazy or just plain insensitive. He didn't know what I was talking about. I asked how he could sit through the whole show with HIS and HER name over and over and not see why I would be upset. Why he would not feel uncomfortable, guilty, anything. He claims it never even crossed his mind, that he didn't put it together. DDay is only a little over a year ago.

Has anyone ever experience or heard of this? I feel like if he can so easily forget something that is so blatantly obvious, then his affair situation is doomed to repeat itself because he can just block it out, along with the consequences and fallout.

RightTrack posted 7/12/2013 19:47 PM

My husband can't remember much of the affair (two years of it). He says when he saw her he had to get drunk to have sex with her, and then I think he is actively forgetting things.

anemie posted 7/12/2013 19:49 PM

I have sort of gone through the same thing? My husband has not forgotten her name but he did forget the day the ea turned pa. And after talking through it I realized it was because it wasn't important enough to him to remember. The IC says he is blocking a lot out because he doesn't want to remember what he did.

QuestionItAll posted 7/12/2013 19:59 PM

He can't remember the details either. Never got a timeline. Only generalizations but not even sure on those. He 'thinks' he met her in March 2012. He can't remember how many times they met up, what they talked about. He tells me he didn't text and send as many pictures as I say he did, even though I have phone records to prove it. This name thing is something I cannot wrap my head around.

Duffy1958 posted 7/12/2013 20:35 PM

That is truly some dangerous compartmentalization on his part Question. I agree with you.

I think you are right to question reconciliation too. Just one year out & he is flaky? Still taking you & your marriage for granted? Not cool for sure.

Can you see yourself without him because he may never give you what you need. Some people are just ass clowns like that.

I'm sorry Question. It is very hurtful. ((hugs Question))

UndecidedinMA posted 7/12/2013 21:13 PM

WH claims he "forgot" his AP's name.
2x4 coming

I am sorry but BS!!! So his marriage meant so little that he can't remember the AP he damaged it with. REALLY!

whatnow8 posted 7/12/2013 22:49 PM

Question, I know exactly how you feel. The completely confused look, and "what?" Somedays I wish I had a cast iron skillet to whack him with.
My wh had a really abusive childhood, and has the same issues with remembering details. Not just about his As, but a lot of other things as well I agree with Duffy, it's very dangerous compartmentalization. I want him to be able to remember and heal. But at the same time I'm worried about the reason for the forgetting. Is it because of overwhelming guilt? Or is his love and attachment to her so overwhelming that he can't stand to be with me if he remembers.
I also wonder about further repeat offenses, because he doesn't remember. Sorry you're going thru all this. ((hugs))

Deanna posted 7/12/2013 23:42 PM

The other day I was cooking and my husband and his mother were watching NCIS. It had a character that had the OW's name. Her name is pretty unusual so I heard it right away. He didn't attempt to turn off the show, which I thought was weird. When I was done cooking dinner I said, " you are going to shut that off right?". He says, " sure if you want me to." I really don't think it registered to him that it was her name. I think he would have changed the channel if it had registered in his head. I know he didn't forget her name but it didn't register that day.

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