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Not sure where to start tonite. I feel tired and the worldis on my shoulders and if I take a wrong step or say the wrong word again my house that is being held by toothpicks is going come crashing down. I know I can't control anyone else but myself , I can't anyone else feel happy except for myself. The theory makes sense.
Huge fight with my BH tonite. He is so stressed out at work has lost more weight. He won't say what he needs to feel better even though I keep asking. For example. The kids have a fun factory program at school they go to durng the day, the kids tell him about it via skype I stay in touch with him all day skype with him as well let him know whats going on, He was, so it seemed , happy that they were going. TOday it comes out it driving him crazy at work when they are gone, but because he doesn't want to knock their fun because they way he feels , he didn't say anything. Now my screw up was believing it was okay for them to go. I had thought because we basically were either skyping or texting all day that it was helping him. hmm stupid me, So I said I will keep them home and we will do other things, like having friends over, or going to the park etc. Once again, he says he doesn't want to wreck there fun. So what do I do.
Anyone following my post knows about the contract I signed with him about sleeping with this woman. Well after 2 months of her not emailing him she did today, he told me. Awsome. Then he got mad at me cause he said if it wasn't for what I did he woulldn't be thinking about it. Which from what I can tell is true from what others say. He has sent her a no contact email today. He text me asking how he was suppose to do it without sounding rude. . well as we discussed more tonite i'm finding out he has deleted more text and that she had allready said if he decided enough was enough then she was fine with that. So whole bunch of crap. Im sorry but kinda angry over that. As he lied to me quite a few times over this now and only comes clean when Ive said I saw the emails and he's TT but sees that its fine. I'm sorry just having a bad day all of this over a phone and texting as he is away. HE talks about him being so honest and all he's been doing is being honest with me. hmm ANyways,then he gets into the whys and hows. Thats whre my Foo issues are discused and how my whole family is screwed up and if he had known about all the crap he would have dealt with my grandfather before. I just don't know anymore, he is not the type of man to forgive and allow people to make ammends. He says the only thing he can hope for now is that I can be the wife he thought he had. He doesn't see me living with any consequences nothing, I know its part anger part hurt. He will not talk to anyone and won't go MC I really am getting scared of where this may lead too. My IC isdifferent I am going to give him one more try. Not sure if its what I need from him I might need to find someone else. He focuses lots on the marriage and discussion on whats happening now. And I think that because I am aware of the behavoirs so what about the marriage brought them out. but pretty hard to do MC when you don't have a partner willing to participate. :-( really starting to worry, don't get me wrong Im not going anywhere

It sounds like he believes he knows what to do to fix everything. It also sounds like when these things fall apart on him, he will blame you.

You need to take your own path here, letting him know all that you're doing, but not taking responsibility for his decision to not seek help. There are a number of WS who are or have been in similar situations. Seems like eventually their BS comes around, but it is a really hard path.

Thanks for the supposrt, and advice. My BH call later last night to apologize for what he said, said he hates talking about cause he gets all worked up and hates it when he says mean things and that no its not allways bad there are times that he can smile and he sees some good in me. I told him its fine. I have said many times please vent let your anger out don't hide it. He's afraid he push me out the door. I replied back that I know hes angry and he should be and has everyright to express that. Somethings he says, yes makes me worry its not going to work, based on his history with others and what he says in anger, however I'm not going anywhere. And I told him this. He should not hide his feelings. They need to be said.
We ended the night on a better note . Ending the night with I love you from both sides. I know his fear is me leaving. But I'm not going anywhere. Its so worth it to stay, I just wish I had done the work my first time having affair and not just rugsweeping it. :-( It would be so different now.Or done the work on myself after all the crap about my grandfather came out and not pretending to be tough. Messed up a lot people beacuse of these FOO issues, and I am so sorry for not growing up sooner. and sad for myself for everthing I lost and gave up in happiness because I allowed my past control my today and future.