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User Topic: I just keep getting hurt. Long Vent
LearningToFly
♀ 39073
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is trying, I know he is. (He tells me a lot too.) He has been listening to me cry and vent about the pain he has caused me. He says deciding to lie and cheat were all his doing but that he was so broken and hopeless before the affair because of "my words." He was just not strong enough to make the decision to stay faithful.

Our marriage has been difficult. He is a nice guy, works hard, spends time with the kids and is well liked. Still I have felt so low on his priority list from day one. I thought he just needed to learn about marriage and fix his priorities but the opportunity to learn this has come many times and nothing changes.We have done a lot of marriage counseling and marriage sunday school classes. He remembers only the parts that are my responsibility. He has lived an emotionally independent life with me. I have told him often how much it hurts for him to break his word and commitments with me because someone else asks him to do something else. We have had many blow ups with me getting all upset and him withdrawing. I used words like "Selfish, Immature, jerk, lier, weak, passive, disneyland dad". They weren't the perfect way to communicate and they weren't the first ways I tried. I said them out of frustration though I do believe them about him too. He is now saying that his mistake was to not set boundaries on me from the beginning. He doesn't see that he is unwilling to make even the simplest of behavior changes for the sake of our marriage.

I didn't leave early on because I loved him with all my heart. I believed in him, in his goodness, and believed he would grow to learn how to be a loving husband. We had our three children and their young years had some difficulties but were pretty happy. I didn't feel that he was in love with me and struggled through dark years of depression feeling that I wasn't very important to him but we shared our love of the kids and had fun with them. I never thought about a life without him then.

When the teen years came, so did a lot of stress. All three of our kids went off the deep end in 2009/10. He withdrew and lived in denial while I tried to hold things together and get him on board. We have had a rough time with lots of fights and anger. I hoped we would make it through the storm and find peace on the other side. I hoped that we would remain together and our kids would have a family to come home to. I hoped that we could rekindle what we had early on, it wasn't a passionate love but it did seem okay. As I found out what he was doing while I was going through so many dark things in our lives, how he abandoned me, not because he is clueless and thoughtless, but because he purposely lied, snuck around, and especially used our son to look good to others while cheating on me my respect and love for him died. I am not in love with him anymore. I still have feelings for him but he has hurt me so much that I feel like I am betraying myself to want to stay with him. I know its the fear of the unknown more than anything else that keeps me stuck here.

A few months before I found out about his affair, he started saying he "cared about me" but wasn't "in love" with me. He went on to tell me that he thought I was pretty when we were dating but he really wasn't physically attracted to me. That he never was "in love" with me and struggled with wanting to break up but didn't want to hurt my feelings. Thirty years later, I am overweight, over 50, and my appearance has been the least of my worries for a long time. I feel ugly and unattractive no matter what I do. Today I was reading some notes he had in a workbook on marriage. He wrote that he never thought I was attractive but that he thought he would be shallow to break up with me because of that. So he married me half-heartedly. I thought I was just insecure and self conscious and now I find that my negative feelings about myself were coming from my groom. If I wasn't attractive to him then, when I was spending hours getting ready for dates, was young, and a normal weight with young skin and hair, how can I ever measure up now as a 50 y/o woman. (He is still very good looking.)

Our sex life has been pretty empty. Its as though I wasn't there. He got into porn about 15 years ago, we went to counseling then, he said he stopped. I know he may have slowed down but he didn't stop.He withdrew physically from me after I had brain surgery because I said something to hurt his feelings (I don't know what and he doesn't remember.) Since then there are no hugs, kisses, physical touch at all. In the past he would withdraw and I would reach out to bring him back. That time I didn't, I was healing and felt deserted. I wanted him to take care of me for once. In the years since, I have longed to be held, longed for him to hold my hand and put his arm around me. My dreams of sex include me begging him but I feel so rejected that I do nothing in real life.

He began the affair two years ago. It was long distance and emotional with two meetings. i don't think he had sex with her though they had cybersex often and he did kiss her. It hurts a lot to know that the emotional connection I longed for throughout our 30 years together was withheld from me and given so easily to someone else. He said/says that he never felt the love he felt for her before and didn't want it to end. He still has feelings for her but says that they are going away the longer he doesn't talk to her.

I am so miserable. i never imagined myself in this position.

I thought I married a good man, someone who loved God and shared the same values I did. Now I find out that he was living a life he thought he should instead of the life he wanted. I think he is still doing that. He had the affair thinking that noone would find out, she was far away, he could still go through the motions of being a family man and great teacher. I felt his abandonment and reacted angrily which gave him justification for cheating and lying more.

Now that I and the kids know about the affair he says he wants to make our marriage work. He is going to IC and we started MC. He has read "Not just friends" and is working through "Relationship Rescue" He wasn't sharing anything he was learning and claiming to want to be honest and vulnerable so I asked him what he has learned from the books. I noticed that the parts he remembers are the parts directed at me. Things like, bringing up the affair over and over hurts reconciliation and shouldn't be done, that the person having the affair needs support and love to get over the affair partner and that there were gaps in the marriage that lead to the affair and have to be dealt with. He isn't getting any of the parts about helping me heal. He is focusing on his feelings and his hurts. This is usual for him. Its as though I am suppose to react perfectly to him while he breaks my heart over and over.

Our marriage counselor recommended the book, Hold Me Tight. I have begun to read it and it is so fitting of us. However, if he was never attracted to me, married me out of obligation (I don't understand that at all), and believes that my words are so devastating to him that he needed validation by having an affair, is there really any hope? I use to think that if he would just start trying to connect emotionally to me, I would welcome him with open arms. Now I feel so broken, I am not sure if I could be in love with him again. I don't know if I could ever feel safe with him again. I am so lonely with him. I look to the future and see loneliness there too. I feel so unloveable, ugly, and worthless. How did I keep hoping for so long. I am a simple, quiet person. I see a future with a bunch of cats. (and I don't even like cats that much). My siblings both died in the past two years. They were 44 and 50. I was an at-home mom and the empty nest is coming in a few months. I need to find a job to support myself and refine my life at 53.

WH says he wants to reconcile but how can it work without his love. He blew up this marriage and all he can do is point at me and say I wasn't good enough from the start. (He doesn't use those words but the message comes through.) I can tell my IC believes I need to leave him. She says, "you're not ready" she doesn't say, "you want to stay and work it out". She says that I am lonely and in pain now and leaving will be lonely and painful too. She tells me that others she has counseled have experienced this, yet they don't regret leaving.Today she said that our relationship was not healthy for me. IC has lost direction as I have gone back and forth with should I stay or go? I am not facing a decision. I could continue on in this pattern until he cheats again or I die. I know its not good to be stuck but I don't know what to do.

Thanks for reading. I feel so alone.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
EtTuBrute
♀ 39792
Member # 39792
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your message sounds almost like I wrote it.

First, there are women a lot older than you who are dating, so keep that in mind.

The majority of your thoughts are similar to mine. I have gone to youtube and explored positive thinking and yoga helps too.

I'm exploring the choice of being a positive person regardless as to what my WH did. See if it helps you as well.


BW 41 WH 47 LTA/LD: EA 9 yrs / PA 14 days; 4 Kids: 7,5,2,2 OW: XGF 45 DDAY: 10-8-12 Broke NC 4 times, no known OW response.Began R 7/19/13
If you can't spot the sucker in the first half hour at the table, then you ARE the sucker. - Rounders

Posts: 32 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: United States
dmari
♀ 37215
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 3:03 AM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((LearningToFly))))) and more hugs and more hugs! When I read your post, I wished I could call you and tell you that his lies, his infidelity, his rewriting your marital history is ... on HIM!! It has nothing to do with you. I feel that you have lost YOUR self-worth due to all the horrible things he has said and how he makes you feel.

You DON'T have to make a decision right now to divorce or not. You DO have to a make YOU a priority. Focus on healing YOU and rebuilding YOUR self-esteem and self-worth. You WILL become stronger but it will require work, reading, and insight.

I could continue on in this pattern until he cheats again or I die. << Ask yourself is this really how you want to live the rest of your life? How do you see your life one year from today? Five years? 10?

I feel so unloveable, ugly, and worthless. << Why do you say this about yourself? I've only read this one post from you and I know that you are not unloveable and worthless. I can tell that you are loving, forgiving, trusting, sensitive, compassionate, patient, and committed. I don't know what you look like but if your outside matches all the qualities I just listed, you are beautiful.

If being in this relationship makes you feel worthless, unloveable and ugly then you really have some thinking to do.

You reference your age a couple times in your post. I need to find a job to support myself and refine my life at 53. What happens if he cheats on you when you are 63? What will you do? Using my Dr. Phil voice "The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior."

You have the power to change you. Work on you. Heal you. Once that is done, then you can decide if you want to divorce or rebuild your marriage. But please please please, don't own any of his shit. He is blame shifting like a pro.

Take care of YOU! You are worthy! Your are lovable! Say it say it say it! More importantly, BELIEVE IT!!


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2301 | Registered: Oct 2012
hard_yards
♀ 23549
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 3:44 AM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs honey, lots of hugs.

Your posts are so sad, I can't believe how terribly short changed you have been in your marriage to a man who appears to be totally emotionally handicapped.

I've read back over many of your posts, and he's just never been there for you, and you have had some seriously tragic events to deal with. Then to top it off, he cheats and lies, and blames you for it, taking no responsibility on himself.

I could go on and on about what a master manipulator and blame shifter he is, but I know you know that already. The things he's said to you are cruel, if that's genuinely how he felt, he should have been honorable enough years ago to have dealt with it. 30 years of marriage is a long time to be unhappy, but those are your years too, you were in the same marriage and didn't cheat, lie, and deceive.

Your posts are full of pain, despair and loss, for what you've never had and what you get dealt.

Please understand I only have your best interests at heart, but, you need to start living life for yourself, find yourself, grow yourself. Protect your heart, your self respect and your self-esteem.

Visit a good lawyer, find out what position you're in, what you're entitled to.

Knowledge is power honey, and there needs to be a power shift in your relationship, from him calling the shots, to you deciding what you will and won't tolerate, what you need and what you expect going forward.

And yes, it may be, that once you're stronger, you will find that there isn't a place for him in your life. By treating you as a second-class citizen throughout your marriage, that's the risk he's taken.

No one can make your life better honey, you have to do it yourself.

Try taking some classes to help you get a job, go to a community college, join a gym, re connect with friends, start creating how you want the rest of your life to be.

There are worse things in life than being alone honey, depriving yourself of an authentic life is right up there amongst them.

Hugs, lots of hugs.



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Apr 2009
Too_Trusting
♀ 99
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LearningtoFly,

Oh honey, reading your post just breaks my heart. No one should live with such despair in a marriage.

WH says he wants to reconcile but how can it work without his love. He blew up this marriage and all he can do is point at me and say I wasn't good enough from the start.

This ^^ is so incredibly sad. You have spent your life with someone that consistently makes you feel not good enough and it is eating away your very soul.

I know starting over is terrifying. I had to start over at 44, and I was truly terrified. At times, I found myself paralyzed by sadness.

I am now 56 and content with my new life. There is hope outside of your lonely and unfulfilling marriage. When I was separating from my WH, a friend told me:

It's better to live alone, than to wish you did.

She was soooooo right. Think about this, LTF. Could BEING alone be any worse? I'm here to tell you that it isn't. You can carve out a NEW life for yourself that is filled with friends, family, hobbies, and a SUPPORT SYSTEM for yourself. What you have now has destroyed any self-esteem you ever had and is filling you with hopelessness.

YOU DESERVE BETTER. There are many things far worse than being alone. Being with someone that destroys your self-image and hope is one of them.

Listen to your IC and keep posting here for support. Many, many, MANY of us have walked in your shoes and come out on the other side stronger and more content. I promise you that you can too.

HUGE HUGS


"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 2491 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
ionlytalkedtoher
♀ 39802
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this is so sad. I want to cry for you. I agree about just focusing on yourself and loving yourself. if you can't do that with him there...can you separate first before making a commitment to divorce? Is there someone else you can stay with even for a vacation perhaps while you can think.

Posts: 264 | Registered: Jul 2013
HurtButHopeful?
♀ 25144
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LearningToFly
he was so broken and hopeless before the affair because of "my words."
I'm sure he also said "words" to you that were hurtful.

Words don't make people decide to cross boundaries. Decisions do. There are plenty of people in unhappy M who aren't cheating, because they have decided cheating isn't part of who they are.

There are plenty of people in happy M who decide to cheat anyway.

Infidelity is a DECISION. Don't you take any blame for his decision.

Selfish, Immature, jerk, liar, weak, passive, disneyland

Those words describe a cheater....(just add "aggressive" after passive) Sounds like he has had personality traits characteristic of a cheater before he actually cheated. You seemed to be on to him for a long time during your M...he put himself before you.

Today I was reading some notes he had in a workbook on marriage. He wrote that he never thought I was attractive but that he thought he would be shallow to break up with me because of that. So he married me half-heartedly.

When did he write those notes? During the A? This sounds like rewriting M history, a typical WS behavior. I could pick apart his stupid reasoning, but it isn't even worth it, since his excuse is contrived and just plain stupid. Nobody M someone to prove they are not "shallow." He could have made up another reason to not M you, which would have been valid, like IDLY, and no one would have known how "shallow" he was.
Our sex life has been pretty empty. Its as though I wasn't there. He got into porn about 15 years ago

Porn will do that to some people's sex lives. It can take the place of coping, communicating, and intimacy. Don't blame your sparce sex on causing the porn...it was most likely the other way around.
I thought I married a good man, someone who loved God and shared the same values I did. Now I find out that he was living a life he thought he should instead of the life he wanted. I think he is still doing that. He had the affair thinking that noone would find out, she was far away, he could still go through the motions of being a family man and great teacher. I felt his abandonment and reacted angrily which gave him justification for cheating and lying more.

He has been living a fake life for quite some time. You were in the real world, sensing the fallout of his secrecy. In many ways I can identify with you...I too was living a lie, believing in my H, but deep down sensing things weren't right, for many, many years. Only after the A, and reading at SI did I begin to unravel the lies pre-A and how my H's unhealty communication skills (or lack or communication/coping skills) affected me, and ultimately our M.
The more he pulled away, the more frustrated I became. The more he deflected and avoided, the more frustrated I became. I was desperate for real communication, so we could solve the problems...I see the same thing in your post. You are not a bad person, you were just lied to, and trying to not only survive, but fix problems that you didn't even know the extent of...You are a trooper, a stayer, and you are the hero here.

(((((LearningToFly)))))

I know your H's words cause you to feel unattractive. But there are so many women in their 50's and older who FIL and get M to H's who think they are beautiful!

Can you get a little "something" done for yourself that you have always wanted? I've read here on SI of BS's getting a little cosmetic surgery, as a "gift" for themselves, and it did wonders for their self esteem.

If you can't afford a nip or tuck, how about a new hairdo, makeup, outfit, and pretty underthings?

PS I am sending you a PM.



Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
LearningToFly
♀ 39073
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad I wrote out my feelings last night. I spent two hours at McDonalds with the laptop. I hesitated pressed send because I knew it was long. Sometimes I feel like people think "just get over him already... get a divorce and move on." Its a lot to process that your partner in life is not who you thought he was and even when he was showing his true self, you were believeing the best in him and questioning your perceptions. People here understand the struggle of letting go of something you have invested your heart and soul into. Even cyber hugs help.

Today has been a day of arguing. Its obvious to me that my H really believes the things he says. They are so obviously not true. This is where having an affair probably came in. His thinking is so screwed up. I use to believe him and now I don't. Now I can see how messed up it is where before I tried to understand where he was coming from and gave him the benifit of the doubt or most often, doubted my own thoughts.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
Too_Trusting
♀ 99
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang in there, LTF. Do NOT doubt yourself. You've given him the benefit of the doubt long enough. Time to extend THAT kindness to YOU. What he's doing is crazy-making - trying to make YOU crazy.

You are NOT crazy. Believe in YOU and take care of YOU.

Keep posting and we'll help you through this. I repeat - DON'T DOUBT YOU!!!


"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 2491 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
Jennifer99
♀ 39551
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. I just wanted to give you hugs. I've been through something very similar and I can tell you that just by reading your thoughts - you are wonderful. Hugs to you. I hope we both learn how to overcome this.

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
cissi
♀ 21737
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being lonely while actually married is one of the worst feelings in the world. Being lonely if you are alone at least makes sense. I am going to agree with your IC and hope that you someday realize how much better your life could be were you to leave. Leaving will free you up of all the negative thoughts and feelings you have while with him. You will begin a whole new life, make new friends, maybe work, maybe do charity work - whatever it is you want to do, you can do. In the process of giving and being who you were meant to be, you will feel beautiful again - because you are. It doesn't matter about looks, really, but how you feel.

For all you know, he might not want you to leave solely because he will have to pay you alimony. That is no reason to stay.

I hope you get the strength to move on to the life you are meant to have. I wish you so much happiness.


Posts: 1450 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
Topic Posts: 11

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