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zero control of his actions

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ionlytalkedtoher posted 7/13/2013 07:46 AM

The thing that is driving me crazy is that I feel like i have zero control over everything. I had given him an ultimatum of that I really will divorce him if i ever find him giving money to these online cyber sex girls. that is my line I can't cross. We barely have any money...we go month to month basically so for me that is why I am outraged that he would even offer to give some cybergirl 300 dollars. (cybergirl R keeps asking for money to pay her bills). I told him I would be checking the bank statements. Well, I guess I figured about writing a check. This morning it just came to me that he could be taking out small bits of cash daily--he will get out like 40 dollars a day for "gas" and "food" sometime, well he could be using that spending money on her and I would never know. he could just send her cash or out it on a gift card or something...So I guess I have no line anymore??? How will I eve know if he is really keeping his word.

Plus the giving me all your passwords thing didn't work either because on June 25th he just created a new account altogether.that I wouldn't "find out about".

I am also not sure how these soft phones work that he uses like things like google voice. He knows how to do things that I don't know how to do. Its like he feels like i am stupid and takes advantage of it...and I do feel stupid. He is always one step ahead of me plotting ways in which I won't find out things.

I hate feeling powerless.

isadora posted 7/13/2013 08:04 AM

You can't control him only your actions. If you haven't started doing the 180, then start doing it. Detach a little and think about if this is they way you want to live.

You can't be his warden. He has to want to change.

madsadalone posted 7/13/2013 08:06 AM

I agree with isadora.

Work on you.

jjct posted 7/13/2013 08:08 AM

Yep. What isa said.

I want you to know,
you do have power.

Over you.

Trying to change someone else, no can do. You can stop beating your head against that wall any time. (Don't worry - most of us learned this when we felt the bumps )


confused615 posted 7/13/2013 08:09 AM

You're right...and all the surveillance in the world won't stop him if he wants to cheat. If they want to..they will..they just get sneakier.

You can only control you.

anewday78 posted 7/13/2013 08:11 AM

I'd invest in some key logging software. It's worth the money if it can save you money on his online dalliances. I'm sure there's plenty of people here who can recommend good software and guide you through installation/setup.

ionlytalkedtoher posted 7/13/2013 08:20 AM

yes I know this sucks.

I guess I don't necessarily want control of his life I want control of my life. Him beating me up through emotional abuse--i want it to stop and not sure how to make it stop right now other than leaving.

Others I have talked to have said...well you have to give him an ultimatum and then he will listen. What they don't get is that I have given ultimatums...he just doesn't care. Others have told me that I need to put my foot down. if I am letting him do this because I am not strong enough to say no. Thats not it. I do say NO and I have...perhaps their husbands love them and when things like this happen to them their husbands listen.

the only real way to say no is to leave him. I guess.

But i just don't want to I guess I am "letting" him walk all over me.

I have no where to go and I have 7 kids. I guess I would have to make him leave. there is only 1 of him. Its too hard to say, hey can 8 people stay with for awhile??? thats not going to happen. I asked him last summer to leave to go to his parents. But he wouldn't go. I can't force him out unless I call the police and I don't want to do that.

if there was somewhere i could go I would.

madsadalone posted 7/13/2013 08:24 AM

I really feel for you ionly.

it is so painful to realize that the man you have giving your life to is consumed with selfishness. It really boggles the mind.

ionlytalkedtoher posted 7/13/2013 08:25 AM

plus half of that money belongs to me.

I suppose I could take out half of the money and open my own account.

hmmm but i don't want the money its for the 7 kids so does that mean I divide the account by 9 and take out 80% and leave him with 1%....I could do that I guess as an ultimatum.

jjct posted 7/13/2013 08:32 AM

Seek legal advice.
Many give free initial consults.

madsadalone posted 7/13/2013 08:34 AM

Just do it. You don't want to give him any option of beating you to the punch.

I made the mistake of thinking that I was talking to my spouse of 26 years and not a pod person, I hold my cards close to my vest so to speak now... let that fucker wonder what you are up to. Easier said then done, I know.

Doing the 180 really helps, at times hard to maintain, but you can do it.

doggiediva posted 7/13/2013 08:51 AM

Definitely seek legal advice!
I have been told that I have to file for D, get temporary orders and have law enforcement boot my WH out also.. He refuses to leave the house on his own, and he isn't working..I have control of the income that comes in(my pension) and the money spent..Part of my 180 behavior is that I want to make life difficult for him while he is living here.. I will not work outside the home while living with WH..I don't care if he doesn't like the fact that he is gonna have to tighten his belt..
I hold my cards close to the vest also..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:45 AM, July 13th (Saturday)]

solus sto posted 7/13/2013 09:14 AM

((((ionlytalkedtoher)))) You're right; the only thoughts, feelings, or actions you can control are your own. This realization puts you light-years ahead of where I was for months after d-day, when I was determined to make big changes in WH.

It drove me near-insane. Literally.

Like others, I recommend 180ing. It really is a sanity-saver.

Is he still talking with his AP(s)?

ionlytalkedtoher posted 7/13/2013 09:52 AM

I am not working either since I am sahm.

the thing is that I am a wonderful wife. Really I am. I am not being a naraccist but I am. I stuck by him for 16 years. I gave him 7 children that HE wanted to have. I wanted to stop after 4 or 5. I stayed at home because HE didn't want his kids in daycare. After baby 2 I wanted to go back to work but I stayed home to raise them because that's what HE wanted. So I gave up the concept of ever having a job for him. He lost his job multiple times. I stuck by him through all that. I know ppl personally that left their dh after just having gone through unemployment once. I stuck by him whenh he was sick and multiple times--he had cancer for one. I never left and wwent to cry on someone's else shoulder--although his OW did. She called my dh to be her rock because her husband had some sort of cancer. Too bad honey, I went through it alone--so should you!

On a daily basis I am here to listen to every thing he wants to talk about..I was never emotionally checked out. I gave him sex whenever he wanted it. He is not deprived at all. Never was. the most he hasn't got it at a time was the 6 weeks postpartum after each baby. Otherwise it was like every night almost. Plus I always met whatever his needs were in the act itself. Its not like he had to look elsewhere for someone to do stuff I wouldn't. I cook for him clean for him take care of the kids for him. i do small things all the time like bring him breakfast in bed. I remember his birthday, his important dates etc...I make him feel wonderful all the time. I kept myself in shape despite having 7 kids. I am pretty. I have not "let myself go". I have never ever looked elsewhere for love or even thought of other men. I refuse joining facebook since I have no desire to EVER contact anyone I ever was with in the past. This is DAILY for 16 years. I was THERE!

Guess I just need to self validate that I am an amazing person and he has everything and he has thrown it all away.
that is why I can not understand why he would ever look elsewhere.

perhaps this is to everyone as well. Its not about how you look or what you could be PERFECT and the WS would just be a jerk.

I know I deserve better. So does everyone on here. No one deserves to be treated this way. No one caused this. Its not something I did. its something he did because he is a jerk. there is something wrong with him. Really and truly wrong.

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