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Still can't move on

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wanttofeelwhole posted 7/13/2013 08:14 AM

It's benn almost three years. My marriage isn't perfect, but I think it is "better". I know I'm stronger. I know I'm less of a doormat. I confront and stand up for myself a lot, which I know is good. My issue is, I can do all of this because I figure the worst has already occurred. I'm still so hurt and so sad. I'm not really angry or at least volatile.
Sadly I want to feel that rush of a new love. That's what I'm jealous of. I know my FWH rejects and is humiliated by his actions. I know the OW disgusts him. I'm less concerned with him reconnecting than starting a new A, and a new A is very low on my list of concerns. But he still got to feel that rush, while stealing the specialness of our marriage. As bad as things were I always felt safe. I never feel safe anymore. I am a strong independent woman who has always taken care of myself and everyone around me. Except for my dad, who died 16 years ago, my FWH was the only one I ever felt safe around. I love being strong, but I miss revealing my fears.
I like things to make sense to fit. Affairs are so unexplainable I just can't seem to put it away.

solus sto posted 7/13/2013 10:19 AM

You say you miss revealing your fears. Do you feel restricted in your ability to talk with your husband?

Gently, it's not enough for an affair to end. What is your husband doing to help you heal and feel safe again? What are you doing?

Three years is not unusual, in the spectrum of healing. It's not unusual, even within the context of a healthy and robust R, to have doubts and concerns along the way.

But what concerns me is your statement that you no longer reveal your fears; it suggests rug-sweeping. It makes me wonder if you're channeling your efforts in the right direction. Are you struggling not to rock the boat--using valuable energy there-- or are you working to build a marriage that is healthy and rewarding to both of you?

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