SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

*disclaimer* I know I need a thick skin on OLD, and I have one...I'm just slapping my forehead and venting to those who understand.

I am now getting messages from OLD that say things like, "Your loss...." if I don't respond to a wink or a nonsense email.

Yesterday I was called judgmental because I wouldn't chat with a guy who is 48 years old, but states he ONLY wants "28-40 and thin". After politely declining his request to "chat", he wanted to know WHY I wouldn't chat. I had to be very blunt and tell him WHY I wasn't interested, at 42, I'm too old for him. He then called me judgmental. I asked him if he thought he was judgmental since he states he ONLY wants women 10-20 years younger and thin? (oh..and states he doesn't want any more children.) Next time, I'll just block a guy like this immediately. Lesson learned.

Another guy poofed for more than a week...mid chat...then came back and said, "Any new pics?"

Then two this week that start with, "OK. We have to start chatting. We have so much in common."

Then, this morning...an email that begins the same, but says, "I've recently had a life changing experience I'll share with you if we start chatting."

Then three 55+ (one in his 60's) that say they NEED someone younger to "keep up with them".

Let's just say I've blocked all these guys.

There are one or two decent guys in the mix, don't get me wrong, but wading through these guys can be overwhelming sometimes.

I really wish there was a way to filter who contacts me based on my criteria. For ME, I'm simply not interested in older guys, or younger guys. I consistently like men close to my age. So, if I could prevent men over/under 10 years my age from contacting me, it would prevent 75% of the crap I deal with. I can go in a block them after they contact me, but...geesh. I try really hard to pay attention to what a guy is looking for. If he wants athletic, or younger than me...I believe them and don't contact them.

I am finding if I like the guy after an email or two...I'm giving them my "dummy" email account I have set up for OLD and chatting there. If I'm online on OLD, it seems to invite the creeps in. So I limit my on-line time now. Does anyone else find that too?

*Vent over*. Thanks for listening.

listened to and understood.

It is so frustrating. After 2 years (OMG it's been 2 YEARS) of OLD, I just want to get it all behind me, find my "meant to be, didn't we meet cute, filtering through all the crap, aren't we lucky" SO and be done with this!

sorry for the venting on your vent

Hah, meet cute, love that line! (And religiously re watch that movie everytime it comes on :)

OLD is like a garden full of weeds. You just have to ignore the crap plants & focus on the few rare flowers buried within. In one year on OLD I only had truly two good online interactions (where I really enjoyed the email, texting, phone call lead up) & then only one good in person meeting, the wonderful man I'm dating now. I didn't chat with a lot of men (I ignored 75% of all the guys who contacted me) because I wasn't going to respond to rudeness, stupidity or lying. To me the war of words wasn't worth my energy.

But trust, I did my fair share of eye-rolling lol. It takes all kinds to make the world go round & nothing reminds you of that more than OLD.

Cmego,

I met my STBXWW online around twelve years ago, when OLD was just taking off.

Prior to meeting her I went on around fifty dates. As expected, they included the good, the bad, and the ugly (not necessarily physically).

Two turned into nice relationships that ended amicably.

(Looking back I had way too much casual sex, but at the time I think I needed it. That whole "sowing my oats thing.")

It was scary every time, but I made myself get out there and just do it. I'm glad I did, and I don't regret meeting my wife, as we did fall in love, had a largely good first eight years, and of course two beloved children. I can't say the hell I have been in was worth it, but it is what it is.

In any case, it's a numbers game. Go out there and meet people. Make some friends, feel attractive and validated. It's important after what we have been put through, and I look forward to getting back out there when I am ready.

Be careful. Be honest. Take it very very slow. Trust those red flags, however faint they may seem.

But my vows to myself when I do get back out there are:

Give a kind person a chance. Go on that second or third date.

Give a sensitive person a chance. Go on that second or third date.

Be careful with intense immediate physical attraction or infatuation.

If I am not immediately very physically attracted don't write her off. If she is just attractive enough to turn me on, that should suffice. Attractiveness grows.

Be honest and open.

Date one person at a time.

Don't lead her on.

Don't hurt anyone.

Friends first.

Friends first.

Friends first.

With eHarmony, people can only contact you if they are matched with you. A much less noisy environment, I'm sure.

Match and OKCupid feel like high school cafeterias.

Since I'm not officially Divorced (soon!!!), I shouldn't be on eHarmony since they require you to be D'd. I don't lie well.

I'm not so sure I would like that *I* don't get to search. *I* know what I like and what I don't like...so I can't see how what they "present to you" is better. Just because you are divorced doesn't mean you are any more healed than anyone else.

It also slightly annoys me they require you to be divorced. In my case I am so very detached, although not divorced. The piece of paper stating you are D'd doesn't mean you are detached. And, vice versa...I might give a separated guy a chance if he has done the detaching work already. IC and I discussed, and divorces not due to infidelity have a different healing timeline. I've met some S men that are NOT ready to date...and a few that are 6 or 8 months out that ARE. (here you have to wait a year to D with minor children). It all depends on the person.

So...I might try eHarmony. I dunno...I'm not sure I 100% agree with their "message'.

Cmego,

I have found that what works best for me (so far) is to have 2 profiles on each OLD. One has nothing filled out, but my age. No pics etc. That profile I use to search, review others etc. Then I have my "real profile". Its hidden unless I see a possible match. Then I unhide and proceed to say hi.

I got tired of the obvious never going to happen queries. I mean come on, if you are younger than my kids, live over 200 miles from me or are 10 years older than me its not for me and I have stated it in my profile.

Anyway it probably isn't a perfect system. But it does keep the problem contacts out.

What site are you on?

I know they vary tremendously by area, but POF was just plain stupid around me.

OKC is fun and attracts less of that. I enjoyed meeting every guy I met off of OKC even if there was no romantic interest.

EHarmony discriminates against gay people so they don't get my money.

I agree that being online a lot brings out the weird ones.

Match.com

POF and OKCupid were just hookup sites. If I put a photo up, I was bombarded with sexual messages. POF worse than OKCupid.

I tried Chemistry for a week...it seems pointless too.

So far, the best "luck" on Match.

This was why I stopped sending "thanks but no thanks" messages.

Surprisingly, Austin is not as large as I thought it was, and due to my new job I decided not to show my profile this time around. This means that only people I contact can see my profile. So the traffic pattern is much more dependent on my interest level.

I know I'm missing out on some level because of it, but it has helped me to feel far more in control of the whole thing. And for now I'm completely okay with that.

Did you try meetup.com? I haven't made any decisions yet about what I am doing, but I was looking at options and found that meetup has singles groups that are not just about dating but also focus on activities and just living. Try looking up your area! good luck!

Yeah, my favorite stupid comment in my inbox this week?

Grow up.

Because I was "stupid" enough to send a I don't see a match, thanks anyway and good luck message.

Block.

I hate the way it makes me feel when they get aggressive and rude!

((hugs)) in case it makes you feel that way too.

Oh Honey....for OLD you need a very thick skin, and the ability to say "if they can't take a joke, fuck 'em". Seriously. Don't waste your time on the users and losers online (and there a tons of them). There are a few gems in the mix, but for the most part.....there's a reason they a looking online.

I did the OLD thing for a while, and it DID gain me a couple of guys that were not a match, but we remain good friends. I call that a plus.

I met the Bear when I wasn't looking (at all), and in a biker bar shooting pool. Go figure.

You never know when the right guy will show up, and you have to be okay with that. I put the Bear off for a looong time because I knew a shitstorm was looming with my dad. The Bear stepped up, stepped in, and I thank God he showed up when he did.

OLD is a crapshoot, and there's no reason to take any shit from anyone, for any reason, what-so-ever. Good luck to you!!!

I've tried the "hide my profile until I see someone I like"...I might go back to that. But, I wonder how many guys do that too? Dunno.

My gem from last night...a 7 PARAGRAPH introduction where he states he is already "smitten" with me.

I wish I wasn't so polite. I feel the need to tell these guys "no thanks" because I hate the feeling when a guy doesn't respond at all. After that, then I'm not so guilty about blocking them.

Edited to add:

I tried MeetUp. That is how I met my fSO. But the majority of the people in those groups were sad, sad people. Lots of partiers, some drug use going on and lots of hook ups. Not for me.

I volunteer at a Botanical Garden and I keep hoping a cute gardner will come my way!

[This message edited by cmego at 12:09 PM, July 14th (Sunday)]