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Need to know things

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jtom posted 7/13/2013 11:09 AM

Its going on 2 1/2 years since I divorced my wife an ended our 18 year marriage, after I found out she had been having a multi year affair with a married male co-worker at a federal institution where she worked.Upon discovery of the affair, went thru all the emotional stages until I realized I needed to go ALPHA. I then confronted the OM,told his wife an watched happily as his marriage crumbled. My ex an her OM, are not together as he quickly threw her under the bus an then my STBEXW, saw what a coward he was.I did get a little revenge. The ex never came clean with much of anything.The OM then wife told me some things that he admitted to her,but in general I had to piece things together with phone records an what not. I know we are divorced an the ex will never answer any of my questions but I still have a need to find out some things, far instance did the the OM ever come to our house while I was away camping an backpacking with our son. Did the then wife have have a pregnancy scare with boyfriend in the summer of 2009? I suspect she did based on how she was acting(I hadn't a clue what was going on then). An a better time line as to when the affair actually began. I know, I know many will say what does it matter an move on an I have moved on,but I do have this need to know things because it matters to me. Anyone else still have a need to know things even though the war is over an your divorced ?

devistatedmom posted 7/13/2013 17:15 PM

I did, for a while. But after a while, you look at different ways to get past it. I know I will never know the answer to some questions for sure. So, I just decided for myself that whatever I thought might have happened, happened. I scrubbed any areas of my home that I had doubt about. I bought new bedding for my bed, and threw out the old stuff. I'm still in the house, but in 4 years, when my dd graduates high school, I'm out of here. Anything I don't LOVE isn't coming with me. If I haven't gotten rid of it by now, when I move, anything that still shows itself as tainted by him, won't be making the move.

If you think she may have had a pregnancy scare with him, decide for yourself that she did. Now do what you need to do to get by it. Think he might have been in your house? Clean, paint, redo, move. Etc.

You know you can't get the answers you are looking for, so make your decisions, and find your way through it.

phmh posted 7/13/2013 17:33 PM

How would knowing anything else change anything at this point?

Did you go to any IC? It does trouble me a bit that you are still so obsessed this far out, so professional help might be what you need.

I don't care to know any additional details. It's something that happened to me, but it does not define me, and I refused to let it impact the rest of my life.

Focus on YOU, your present, and your future. Not on her or your past. Indifference is the goal, and it's a fabulous place to be.

jtom posted 7/13/2013 19:34 PM

Thanks devistatedmom an phmh for replying. Advice from folks that have walked these miles means a lot to me.

SBB posted 7/13/2013 21:00 PM

I went through a phase of this in the early days. Back when I still needed further verification that I was doing the right thing in walking away.

Then I realised that I already knew enough to make my decision here.

These thoughts still pop up now sometimes - like little vicious "Aha!" moments that creep up on me. Whenever I wonder about some fuckery I think he pulled my answer is always "Probably. What a fuckwit, seriously".

She probably did do all of those things and a whole lot more you will never know about. Probably is a good place to be because I can tell you she definitely will not ever give you the truth.

Rather than wondering about the black black hole that is her I would recommend you examine why you are feeling this way and try to work out how you can get yourself through it.

This kind of stuff is a form of self-harm IMO. We can get stuck between the twin evils of either torturing ourselves playing these scenarios out in our minds over and over again OR torturing ourselves with the hope that "No - she/he wouldn't do THAT". Yes they would. They did. They would still be doing it if we let them.

As I said what I do know is enough for me to make my decision here.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 9:06 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]

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