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Low MiL tolerance

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Holly-Isis posted 7/13/2013 13:07 PM

MIL is here for a visit. Thankfully only a day.

Tame compared to other times, but irritating. She keeps trying to do things that would take my place. Like go into the kitchen to cook breakfast. MrH told her no thanks, if he needed help (he usually does Saturday breakfasts) his wife would help.

Then they went out and got lunch but were short a box of fries. She wanted MrH to share hers. Again, he said his wife was sharing them.

It may not seem like much, but she has issues where she competes with me. Down to dressing like me.

What got me the most though was when she talked to my son, she refers to me as "Holly" but MrH as "Daddy."

I find that as I have gotten healthier and have out up with too much crap in my M, I am less inclined to put up with extra crap from the ILs.

When she directly addresses me, I've basically been doing what she always does when I try to talk to her...I pretend I don't hear anything.

It seems to irritate her.

ETA: FIL has invited himself up for a week, it was supposed to be today but it got put off because of the MIL visit. So there will be more posts like this I'm guessing.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 1:08 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]

musiclovingmom posted 7/13/2013 13:24 PM

My MIL lives up the street. She means well, but is a busy body. Also, her relationship with my H has always been rocky (she is nit-picky and condescending). I hate when she just 'drops-by' for a visit. My H assures me that is just how his family is - no one cares if you just show up unannounced. It irritates me. A quick text is all it would take so I could at least be sure I'm dressed. Anyway. I'm with you. I just ignore most of what she says and both of our lives are much more enjoyable because of it.

Phoenix1 posted 7/13/2013 13:29 PM

I can SO relate to general MIL irritation!

My patience for her antics wore off years ago and I can barely tolerate her presence. I refer to her as the Queen of Sheba because she thinks the world should revolve around her. POS is never honest with her and says whatever he thinks she wants to hear. I, on the other hand, am brutally honest with her (but always respectful) and she absolutely hates it. She doesn't want honesty, only lip service, and loves the fact that POS is willing to play that game.

I don't play that game so she doesn't want to be around me. It's a win-win for me!!

Holly-Isis posted 7/13/2013 14:05 PM

MLM- so you live near the Barones? I always watched that show and thought I couldn't live that close to any IL! I so feel for you!

Some of MrH's family live all on the same street and they used to tell us we would get tired of living away from "home". Sorry, I'm a mil brat, that's not my home. MrH is glad to be away from their gang of dysfunction too, thankfully.

Phoenix- I have to give MrH props. In the past year or so he's worked on boundaries with his parents. That's why he kept telling his mom he could get what he needed from his wife, not her.

MIL isn't self centered like yours I suppose, just has improper attachment issues. Something that I have read is called emotional incest. Attaching to your child emotionally like you would a spouse. When we studied mother/son bonding in my abuse recovery group, the leader kept asking if any of the descriptions of that sounded familiar. She had heard stories of MIL and I believe had a good idea where the M attachment problems with MrH had some roots.

This is my first time ignoring her. Every nerve tells me to interact. That I'm being rude. I shouldn't treat someone like this. But I really am at a loss of how to cope withher otherwise. She engages when she wants and then ignores. It irritates the heck out of DD and she's only 8yo...but she can see it. I have a smart girl.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 2:07 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]

musiclovingmom posted 7/13/2013 14:18 PM

We pretty much all live on the same hill (one street). My H's grandmother lives next door. His sister lives across the street. And his parents 2 doors up. It's nice when something happens (esp since my H works out of town so much and my family is all out of state) or for get-togethers, because no one has far to go. Getting privacy is somewhat harder. Though, they don't visit me as much as they do each other (sometimes 3 or 4 times a day).

Mama_of_3_Kids posted 7/13/2013 18:02 PM

I *so* understand! If I had it my way we would be outta this town b/c of the IL's

Holly-Isis posted 7/14/2013 07:44 AM

Mo3K- I agreed to move to HI at one point and a big deciding factor was the rest of the continent and an ocean between the ILs and myself.

The visit ended. I gave MrH kudos for stepping in at times, he's really grown with that. He said I "traded barbs" but can't name any. I think he's still in denial about how his mom talks to me and tried to mitigate it by telling himself I gave too. The only thing he could point out is I rolled my eyes and she saw it. Immature, yes. Barb- no.

I told him that I didn't appreciate being told I said things that were disrespectful when I didn't. I was raised as a mil brat and respect for our elders is trained into most of us. This is why it's been so hard for me to deal with his family. I'm bound to respectful actions while they are not.

The most disrespectful thing I did was disengage. It's taken 22 years to get to that point, but early on in the morning (she got here at 630) I decided I might as well, since she didn't listen anyhow. She talks over you.

nowiknow23 posted 7/15/2013 12:06 PM

I decided I might as well, since she didn't listen anyhow. She talks over you.
My XMIL would do this too. I found that she didn't even notice when I ignored her - she was too busy listening to the sound of her own voice.

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