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I think this is what they call the abuse cycle?

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brokenandconfuse posted 7/13/2013 13:25 PM

I have a question for everyone pertaining to my H.
I continue to find out about women, so basically he has cheated on me since the day we met. He sees women as sex objects (he says that has changed since being sober). Does that really change?

He can be really nice a good portion of the time and then when he doesn't get his way "his crazy shows". Charm, rage, manipulation, extreme self-pity.

He keeps telling me that I need to be more compassionate for his situation.

He wanted me to tell him that I loved him so bad that he went on for ours on giving me space for the rest of my life and how he was going to kill himself.

So I called the cops on him and he acted fine to them and told them that I was exaggerating everything. He kept texting me that I had ruined him, how this was bullshit and when the cops dropped him off at home he said "They didn't get all the guns!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Then text me that "the silver tongued devil convinced them otherwise". I asked him who the silver tongued devil was and he said well, I wasn't drunk and plead my case well.

At other times, he wants to do everything he can for me and constantly tells me that he loves me and missed me. Usually followed by I wish you would love me just a little bit, but you won't even try. The only thing holding us from a beautiful future is that you won't let go of the past.

What are your thoughts?

brokenandconfuse posted 7/13/2013 13:32 PM

My counselor told me to be NC and that when he gets served to be very careful (also his IC) because he is the type of person that can put a small town on the map and not in a good way. I have a security system being put in next week and I am taking the kids with me out of town next week (he is getting served). She said if I didn't file it just shows him that his manipulation works. It is all about winning.

I have such a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I lived with him for 14 years and somehow was blind to this. I realize that he scared me and I gave in and then the crazy stopped. I stayed in survival mode constantly.

Has anyone else been through this?

Housefulloflove posted 7/13/2013 14:26 PM

Wow! If someone who is his IC is basically telling you that he is the type of person who could commit homocide, PLEASE PLEASE listen and protect yourself in every way possible way. Keeping yourself and your children safe is priority #1! If he does *anything* out of bounds please get a restraining order and emergency custody orders to keep him away from you and your babies! He sounds incredibly dangerous.


"I have such a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I lived with him for 14 years and somehow was blind to this. "

I so get this. It's mind boggling that people can put on an act for so long. I can't understand it either. What we put up with is unbelievable after the manipulation loses it's effectiveness and some distance and perspective puts their true selves into view.


Nature_Girl posted 7/13/2013 14:44 PM

Yes, this is a classic abuse cycle. And you are being abused. Do you have enough posts yet to view the Investigation forum? If so, please find the thread that discusses escape plans. I think "jjct" started it. It has a checklist plus other valuable tips for how to plan your escape should you need to go in a hurry. I had to create an escape plan. I want you to have one, just in case. Okay? Please?

Nature_Girl posted 7/13/2013 14:51 PM

Okay, I see that you don't have enough posts yet to see the safety planning thread. So here's a link to the checklist I used. I actually worked with this group to get myself prepared.

http://storage.cloversites.com/abuserecoveryministryservices/documents/Separation%20Safety%20Plan.pdf

Coraline posted 7/13/2013 17:35 PM

I'm so glad you're taking precautions. Please also save all of his texts. There is an app out there, if you have a smartphone, that can automatically forward texts to email for you. You can set it so that only his texts are forwarded. Actually, there are a few apps like this. I had one for a while, after a scare when I thought I'd lost some texts. I've since deleted it, so I don't remember the name of it, but it shouldn't be too hard to find. I think it was called SMS something.
I imagine that your WH is going to get really crazy, and you may not want him to have unsupervised visitation, so you may really want to keep all of his texts. I bet some very bad ones are headed your way, and they may help your case when the time comes. They may also help you get a restraining order.

[This message edited by Coraline at 5:35 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 7/13/2013 22:08 PM

Has anyone else been through this?

Yes, BC. You're not alone. Many have been through very similar types of situations. With the exception of the real-time suicide talk, I have heard all of that other crap also. I don't know your WH, but I know mine. And mine is extremely emotionally abusive.

NC is definitely the only way for you to control the insanity that he'll keep trying to bring into your life.

Him wanting you to be more 'compassionate' is code-speak for "stop voicing your opinion and continue eating the shit that I'm serving you. And you *better* do it with a smile on your face."

Just keep moving forward and protecting yourself.

thenon-goddess posted 7/13/2013 22:17 PM

Ugh, yeah, the abuse cycle...and sociopathic behavior. Ted Bundy was a nice guy a lot of the time too...except when he was kidnapping, raping and killing someone. Not saying that that is your WH, but mention it to show how little "good behavior" means, when the bad behavior is that evil. I hope you are on your way out?

Kajem posted 7/13/2013 22:43 PM

When you get a chance the NPD room in the I Can Relate forum is full of people who have been there.

I hope you are on your way out... and safe.

Hugs,

K

doggiemom12 posted 7/14/2013 13:15 PM

He sounds alot like my late STBX and he did kill himself (although he never made any threats and no one saw it coming).

Your husband might be bipolar along with everything else. Be very very careful. And get away until he is served and maybe even after. These guys can be very dangerous.

Good luck.

Chrysalis123 posted 7/14/2013 13:20 PM

Here are some great books that helped me:

Why Does He Do That

Codependent No More

Women that Love too Much

Also, Alanon was a lifesaver for me. It is not about the drinker, it is about you and things you can do to get emotionally healthy.

Keep posting

Mousse242 posted 7/14/2013 13:42 PM

Take this:

So I called the cops on him and he acted fine to them and told them that I was exaggerating everything. He kept texting me that I had ruined him, how this was bullshit and when the cops dropped him off at home he said "They didn't get all the guns!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Then text me that "the silver tongued devil convinced them otherwise". I asked him who the silver tongued devil was and he said well, I wasn't drunk and plead my case well.

To the police station as follow up on your call to them. Also document it with your attorney. Do it ASAP at the police station too.

brokenandconfuse posted 7/15/2013 13:20 PM

I know I am sick from all of this abuse to the point that I start thinking. It might be safer to stay? I know that I can't do that anymore. I also am having horrible anxiety attacks and I hope that I am strong enough to finalize the D. I am scared as hell, confused, angry, sad...but no good emotions.

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