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regrettingitall posted 7/13/2013 13:47 PM

I'm new to SI as a WS. Our dday is 5/27/13. Everyday I struggle to keep fighting for my man, my BS. Does it get easier? Can he love me again? He hasn't told me he loves me or give me any direct kisses since dday. I tell him I love him over and over and another him with kisses (he only offers me his cheek). Somedays are better than most, and he is mostly pleasant in person, but then I'll get these texts that make any hope I have come crashing down.
he doesn't understand that I'm hurting too. I am so angry with myself. I'm so angry that I got myself into a situation that I couldn't control and it went too far. I break down in tears everyday because I lost the only love that ever made me happy. It'll never be the same. I moved cross-country for him and am completely and utterly alone. I need some support to keep living! My heart is imploding into a black hole. Any advice?
WS me 24
BS him 25
Dday may 27th, 2013
together since 2011, moved 8 months ago

Aubrie posted 7/13/2013 15:00 PM

Welcome to SI regrettingitall.

I have a couple threads that I want you to read. Oh, and check out the Healing Library.

How Much Does My BS Hurt?

Things That Every WS Needs To Know

Maia's Withdrawal Survival Guide

I'm so angry that I got myself into a situation that I couldn't control and it went too far.
May I ask something? Why could you not control the situation? You're here because you cheated on your BS yes? If you look at it from the surface it might "seem" like it was all out of your control. But if you slow down and think about it, you'll find that you did indeed have control. (Unless of course we're talking rape)

You made a choice to cheat. Maybe you allowed situations. Maybe you felt uncomfortable installing solid boundaries, thus allowing the furtherance of the A. Who knows. I'm just guessing here. But bottom line is, it was your choice and you were in control of your choices.

Something that you need to work on is you. There was something within you that allowed the A. You need to discover what that is. Picture an onion. Know how it's layered? That's us. So we ask the question, "Why did I cheat?" When you have an answer, "Oh I was lonely" ask why again. 'Why was I lonely?" Keep asking yourself why. "Why didn't I talk to my BS about my loneliness?" Ask why again. Dig deep. Dig into the choices you made. You'll find some interesting answers in there.

It's a process. It takes time. Lots of it. Most healing takes 2-5 years and that's on the fast track.

I'm 20 months out. For the most part we're ok. But there's still some things we need to work thru. It's a rollercoaster of emotion. Good days, bad days, downright crappy ones.

Oh, I "get" that you're hurting, but beware not to throw that on your BS. "Well I hurt too ya know!" Yeah, that's not really something they care about. All they know is they just got stabbed in the back with a knife, they turned around and we're holding the weapon.

Do you two plan on telling anyone about your A? That's a decision you need to make together. As far as support, SI may not be real life, but it was a lifesaver for me. In my situation, nobody IRL knows. So I posted here. Ask anyone here, I drove them nuts with my posting.

Anyway, welcome to SI. Hope you stick around.

FR2012 posted 7/16/2013 07:08 AM

First off, welcome to SI. I know it sucks why we are here, but nonetheless, we are here and it is a great site.

Does it get easier?

Eventually it does get easier but it never goes away. It is something that is with you for life.

Can he love me again?

I know that my husband tells me that he never stopped loving me. But he tells me that he has a different kind of love for me now. So the answer is yes, but only if he wants to and you do what you need to do to change and be a better person.

I tell him I love him over and over and another him with kisses (he only offers me his cheek).

As hard as this may be, he may not be ready for it yet. I know there are days that I tell my husband that I love him and he is non receptive, but no matter what I know deep down that he appreciates me saying it. So I won't stop. Even if I don't get anything in return. They do appreciate it, just don't want to show it because they may just be really down. Considering you are not that far out from D-Day, he may be really hurt right now. He is trying to deal with everything. All the emotions and hurt that you caused.

he doesn't understand that I'm hurting too.

Yes he does. Again, he may not show it but he does understand. It's not easy for us waywards either. Waywards trigger and have bad days too. It is normal.

I am so angry with myself.

And you will be probably for the rest of your life. I know I am almost 15 months out from D-Day and I still hate myself for the pain I have cause my husband. I don't think I will ever forgive myself, or if I do, it won't be for a really long time.

Honestly, you can do this. It is a really long road but you can do it. It is going to be the hardest thing you have ever had to do in your life. You just need to keep getting better and improving yourself. Read some books, write in a journal, keep coming to SI (everyone here is super supportive), go to counselling. Just keep bettering yourself so that you can eventually make your husband feel safe and secure about you again. Things will get better and they eventually do get easier. Keep your chin up.

JustDesserts posted 7/16/2013 07:55 AM

Oh, I "get" that you're hurting, but beware not to throw that on your BS. "Well I hurt too ya know!" Yeah, that's not really something they care about. All they know is they just got stabbed in the back with a knife, they turned around and we're holding the weapon.

I echo Aubrie's words here. How? Experience...just trust me on that one.

You've gotten some very good advice so far. I am wondering if your everyday struggle to keep fighting for your man is actually something he wants to experience at this time in light of what he's recently learned. It might be something he perceives as calculated at the worst, and disingenuous at best. Perhaps.

A lot of the advice given here on the WS side, as far as I can tell, is not about us trying to fix or change or prove things to the others in our lives, but rather becoming able to understand, fix, change and prove things to ourselves. When we can start to do that, the others in our lives will hopefully become able and willing to acknowledge this work on ourselves and our growth toward becoming a better person. And then perhaps they can become willing to trust us again with their minds, bodies, and hearts...and feel confident that they won't again be hurt in the deep and profound way our affairs hurt them.

Others can put it much better than I have, and I hope you'll start the process of understanding and changing YOU, in order to become the person YOU, and therefore your spouse, deserves. He'll need to do his own work, and I am hopeful he understands that. Wishing you both the best. JD

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 7:57 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

KBeguile posted 7/16/2013 19:29 PM

regrettingitall said:

Does it get easier? Can he love me again?

That all depends upon you. Your BS is going through the most difficult time of his entire life right now: the death of a relationship/person he thought he knew, lies, betrayal, and having to decide whether he's strong enough to keep going or if the best choice for him is to separate and save himself.

You CANNOT control his actions; you can only control your own. That said, what are you doing for yourself? Are you working on finding what gaps in your own defenses/judgment made this possible? Are you digging under the immediate answers of "Why?" to find the lapses in your choices and thinking?

Or, are you just promising change and doing nothing to demonstrate it?

Right now, words are hollow and devoid of meaning. He can't believe a single thing you say. But, as the saying goes, actions speak louder than words.

Improve yourself. Make yourself a better person. Fix the damage that allowed you to make these bad choices, and maybe, just maybe, you can be forgiven for your faults. But he's already learned your particular flavor of bulls#!t, and he'll smell it again if that's all you give him.

darkbeast posted 7/17/2013 09:42 AM

Hello RIA,
One way or another it will get easier. You will both get accustomed to the new normal and pain fades even if it never disappears.

He can love you again (he probably loves you now),but he doesn't trust you and he's angry. Let him be angry and earn his trust back.

Tell him that you love him with no expectation of receiving anything in return. I get maybe 5-10 ILYs in year. I even used to keep up with when I last received an ILY, but no more. She shows me her love and we are together--much more valuable than words. Remember that: there are much more meaningful things you can give and receive than words.

I know that you are hurting, but that isn't his problem. Take care of your own hurt when you are alone. Take the time and effort to try and take care of his hurting. I can't tell you how to do that because you know him and I don't.

When you are alone, vent. Vent to the mirror. Write yourself letters. Vent like a crazy person (if someone were to see you, they would think you are crazy--avoid being seen).

I'm sorry you're here and in this situation, but it is your reality now. Don't sit and ponder what could have been or what you would have done differently--accept where you are and move forward from there.

Never, EVER forget that he can end this at any time.

Hang in there.

[This message edited by darkbeast at 9:44 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

regrettingitall posted 7/18/2013 19:29 PM

First of all, thank you to everyone's responses. I have been overwhelmed (in a good way!) with the support I've received through this site. I am embarrassed at how trite and immature my first post sounds, but I accept that that's exactly how I was feeling. I realize that I can't compare my pain to my H's but that in accepting it, I can move forward in my recovery.

I had always been a cheater, but I had never gotten caught. This was the first time I cheated on my H, and I got caught two days after. And although I am angry that my M will never be the same, I am thankful for the opportunity to finally face reality, see how my choices affect others, and make a change for the better. Unfortunately, as my H puts it, I had to learn my "lesson" at the expense of his own pain. I will live the rest of my life with the guilt and shame of that. I realize now, through everyone's help, that I am his trigger right now. The fact that he hasn't left and is moving forward is great, and I need to have more patience as our Dday was only weeks ago.

I am struggling with a dark depression that comes and goes, but I am really proud of myself for joining this site. I may rant in the future, but I am learning so much from all of you, fellow SI'ers.

I'm keeping my head up and fighting on. My M is worth it.
-Regretting it all (still)
Dday 5/27/2013

regrettingitall posted 7/25/2013 12:44 PM

So, last night I tried to tell my H that my OP is finding a new center and that I won't have to hide from him or avoid him anymore. He said, "ok...."
then I said, "its not ok for you to not know if I see him or not."
he answered, "you know what, I don't care. You're gonna do what you want to do, regardless of if I worry about it."

what do I say to that? What does it mean? I said, "I was just trying to be helpful"...

MissesJai posted 7/25/2013 12:56 PM

"you know what, I don't care. You're gonna do what you want to do, regardless of if I worry about it."
Well, that's true, isn't it? Think about it - you cheated with no regard to your husband. Essentially what he's saying to you is that he doesn't control your choices - he's putting it back on you, as he should.
"I was just trying to be helpful"
I'm sure that was your intent; however, this statement comes off as defensiveness on your part, IMO.

BaxtersBFF posted 7/25/2013 13:04 PM

I think taking some of MJ's words and saying something to the effect of "I'm making changes now so that you don't have to wonder what I'm doing. My choice is to be accountable to both myself and you now." or something like that. Maybe adding "and I'm sorry that I hurt you so much" would be a nice topper.

If he sees you making the changes despite his words that he doesn't care what you do, eventually he should start to see that what he thinks really does matter to you.

regrettingitall posted 7/25/2013 13:05 PM

I would agree, but I said it in a defeated way, no sass about it.

on another note, I was reading pre dday, and even pre-A texts from my H... Breaks my heart to think that I'll never hear another"I love you" or other sweet things he'd say. He was so wonderful with prose. When we were long distance and newly dating, I saved all his loving texts in a word document... Over 30 pages. I've often considered sending it into a publisher, to share the beauty. I just can't bring myself to open the doc up. I fear reading it will lead me to seek the knife.

I threw away the most wonderful man I've ever known. Fuck.

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