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My husband came clean three weeks ago today. He says he truly loves me and is scared that we will not be able to work this out. We have started MC and he says it bothers him that he still thinks of OW. That it isn't right He has been beating himself up and doesn't understand how I could forgive him and move on and try to start our ten year relationship over. He says he knows stating with me is the right thing to do but feels like his heart is not 100 percent here because he continues to wonder about her. Now let me tell u the actual sexual affair was approximately 6 weeks. Idk how long the emotional affair was. He is almost 39 and OW is 21. Please help me to help him. Thx so much

He's a big boy. You can not help him get over the OW...and you shouldn't have to listen to him pine for her.

I do agree with him on a few things though...you can not just forgive him and try and start over. Forgiveness must be earned,over time,through consistent and remorseful actions. Your dday was very recent..there is no way he has done the hard work to R. Has he gone to IC? What is he doing to show you he wants to R?

And you can not start over. This isn't something that you can just wipe off the slate and start anew. He is the man who cheated on you..and he will be that man even if you attempt to start over. Please don't rugsweep. This must be dealt with.

R is hard work. But it is just that..WORK.

WHY don't you know how long the EA was? Is he not answering your questions? Does he not know the answer to that? If he doesn't then it is very clear that he hasn't been digging deep within himself to find the answers as to why he would allow himself to do this.

Does he still work with the OW?

The best way you can help him? Hold his ass to the fire. Refuse to listen to his pining for the OW. It is HUGELY disrespectful to you. Since he doesn't know if his heart is 100% in it..then you need to 180..hard. You must take care of yourself. You can't do the work for him. But you can tell him he either meets your requirements for R,or he can leave. You need to find your bitch boots.

Confused is right---codependency is not the answer to a healthy relationship.

Forgiveness is not to be given out for him. That is for you. And he has to earn it, or nothing will ever be learned from this mess.

You are in the very early stages of a long, difficult ride. You will experience strength of emotions that you have not thought possible. And all of this needs to be processed....so that you will not be hurt like this again.

Don't accept less than you deserve. Don't compromise your values for anyone....especially him. And certainly DO NOT commit yourself to this relationship unless he does first.

I am not saying to leave him today, but I am saying that you should be protecting yourself emotionally in case he does not recommit fully to you. If he continues to cheat, what are you going to do? I am hoping that answer is that you would not stay in a relationship like that.

He is withdrawing from his fix. Just like any other addiction, he has to get the OW out of his system....because it is toxic. And if he is to weak-minded, he will be going back for more.

But that is for him to deal with. That is not your job.

Please help me to help him.

You have to lose this mindset. It will never let you heal yourself. What you should be asking---if need---is:

Please help me to help myself.

And we will.

Here's a few things I have learned on my journey.

Trust is what must be earned. It will take time, it will take him not complaining about being an open book, especially while you're going through the hyper vigilant stage.

As my pastor said, try and put trust on the same track as forgiveness and you'll have a wreck eventually. They are not the same thing.

Forgiveness can be done with or without the offending person. It's something you deal with from within. It's not acceptance. It's integrating what happened into your past and coming to a peace about it. Though that sounds wrong, that's basically it. There may never be a complete peace. I know people decades out that get triggered and could possibly "go there" but have to make the choice to forgive in that moment.

Reconciliation is like forgiveness, but it involves the offending party. They named what they did, owned it and the issues it caused. Is the word we most use here on SI in order to indicate that the relationship has been fixed. After having been in limbo for years and seeing other BSs in limbo, I realized that that's only the first step. To reconcile is to match something up, balance the scales as it were.

From what I have read and experienced, there's a third level- restoration. You restore as much of the relationship as is possible after the A. What can't be restored is built anew. For this, both parties need to be involved- fully involved. Each is examine their part in any issues in the M. The WS is also examining they why of the A and any personal issue leading to that choice. It takes the "I did this" of reconciliation a step further into "I will change this".

Is it possible? Yes. When you read the story of SI you see that the couple who started this site accomplished restoration. Others have too. It will absolutely take your H earning your trust back, owning what he did and working through the issues he caused, repairing as much as he can and building the relationship stronger at the weak points.

This worries, me, Hasslesmom.

STBXH said some things that were similar and he finally abandoned us for OW all together. He told me he actually felt guilty not being with "it" and he felt tremendous guilt being at the house he built with people who loved him for 20 years.

I walk the earth in parallel to you and hope that your ending will turn out differently, if you want it to, or will turn out the way you hope for.

No, I don't think you should have to hear about your own husband's feelings if they aren't for you. I got to the point where I couldn't physically stand it anymore and it made me throw up. He did not initially tell me of "it" or his long double life by himself, either, I had to hear it from other people, which cuts like a knife.

Anyway, I am veering again, sorry.

The proverbial boots spoken of on SI may be time to put on. I'm not much of a swearer because once I let loose, it takes a long time to shut down again, but being stern and setting boundaries may be helpful for both of you.

I'm worried that he still has OW in his mind and I'm also worried about how much younger she is!

I wish you well and hope your search for answers won't be long.