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Hasslesmom posted 7/13/2013 17:06 PM

My husband came clean three weeks ago today. He says he truly loves me and is scared that we will not be able to work this out. We have started MC and he says it bothers him that he still thinks of OW. That it isn't right He has been beating himself up and doesn't understand how I could forgive him and move on and try to start our ten year relationship over. He says he knows stating with me is the right thing to do but feels like his heart is not 100 percent here because he continues to wonder about her. Now let me tell u the actual sexual affair was approximately 6 weeks. Idk how long the emotional affair was. He is almost 39 and OW is 21. Please help me to help him. Thx so much

Joanh posted 7/13/2013 17:23 PM

Wow, umm not sure how to answer. But yes what your WS is feeling is probably what it is he says, however!

I think its great he is being honest by saying he's not there 100%, What do you want? You can't reconcile till he can be there 100% and focus on your healing, Its kinda reversed right now, your wanting to heal him? Yes he's broken so was I, But till I said enough of the OM there was no way my BH could stay with me or care nor did I expect him too. It took me about 20 hours to beg my BH to give it a try and I saw what the Affair really was. and that I really didnt want to leave, the fact was I really never did. Stupid I know. You are going to find that your WS may be all over the place. Stop and think about yourself. How are you feeling, do you have someone for yourself to talk to is your WH supportive of you when you cry, If you haven't please read the Healing Liabrary and what a WS suppose to do to heal a BS its not the other way around. But good for you to have some empathy to help your spouse.

20WrongsVs1 posted 7/13/2013 17:34 PM

Take it as a positive sign that he's admitting his feelings to you--even though I'm sure it must be so hard for you to hear. It definitely was for my BH.

As the WW, I posted about this very topic one month after DDay, and got some helpful responses including a couple of links to other similar threads.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=497088

Your WH sounds like he is remorseful and committed to R; I hope he is working as hard to help you, as you are in helping him.

Itsgoingtobeok posted 7/13/2013 17:35 PM

Your WS has to fix himself . I tried for years to fix my WS and it never worked because they have to fix themself . No matter how hard you try to be there for them it won't work.

20WrongsVs1 posted 7/13/2013 17:42 PM

Oh, and I just bumped Maia's Withdrawal Survival Guide on the Wayward Side forum. I thought it might help you, and him, to know that those feelings of "withdrawal" from the AP are common in WSs and to see how some have dealt with it.

Mrs Panda posted 7/13/2013 18:44 PM

I think it's a good start that he is angry at himself and opening up to you.

It is very common to have a hard time letting go of the OP. The relationship with the OP was a hyped-up, dopamine-driven thing which is almost like an addiction.

You may want to direct him here to SI. We could help him.

HurtButHoping12 posted 7/13/2013 18:54 PM

Don't try to drag him through R. I did that with my WH... I cringe when I remember how focused on HIS feelings, I was. I even spent a night talking to him, sympathizing with his loss of his girlfriend... how degrading!

He has to be 100% done with her and 100% commited to you and R, or its a waste of time.

jo2love posted 7/13/2013 21:39 PM

Hasselesmom -

You have a pm.