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EtTuBrute posted 7/13/2013 17:20 PM

Back in Oct 2012, after I had found out about my WH's affair, I told him that the OW (an XGF that he had an EA and PA with) needed to be gone. She could no longer be a part of his life. He said, "Okay." Over the course of time, he broke NC 4 times. On the 3rd break, I said, "Hon, you need to make a decision. Which relationship is more important to you?" His reply, "I've known the girl for 30 years!" My response, "I don't give a $***, you're married to me!" At some point he said he chooses me, so I handed him the phone, and told him he needed to call her and tell her. he wouldn't pick up the phone. I said, "I see which relationship is more important," and I put my shoes on. He picked up the phone and reluctantly dialed her number. She did not pick up, and he left a message of, "Hi ---, It's ---. I have ----- (my name) here, and we've decided to work on our marriage. I can't see you or talk to you anymore. Goodbye." Then he hung up. I didn't like that he said I was there, which was a signal to her that he was being 'forced' to end it by me instead of his own accord. Knowing my husband as I do, he made the phone call to appease me without really being serious with her.

Within 2 days, I discovered he had broken the NC yet again, but I chalked it up as his clarifying the end. I don't know how he contacted her exactly. Her name appeared on his contact list suddenly with no info associated with it. I checked the phone records and there was no call, so I'm guessing it was an e-mail with the contact erased from e-mail. I don't know what was said. I haven't asked him, because I feel as though the more I bring up the topic, the more it reminds him of her, which causes him to want to contact her.'

Fast forward 6 weeks. I took the 5 love languages survey and sent the results to my husband. I asked him to take the survey, so that I could understand him better. A few questions into it, and he stopped. He said it was written by and meant for women, and that men's perspectives are different.
So I said, "Forget the survey. How can I show you that I love you?" His reply, "You can let me sleep when I'm tired." Then he showed me that he had 121 e-mails to get through since May, "and you can let me answer my e-mails." His tone became hostile. My thoughts were: 'you want me to leave you alone. How is that supposed to bring us closer and save our marriage." Before the affair, I let him sleep. Before the affair, I didn't 'bother' him. Look where that got us. I told him I was traumatized. He said, "I understand, you're traumatized." Me: "but you don't know how to deal with it."

I printed out an article from the Wayward side room under the topic: Things that Every WS needs to Know, and I gave it to my husband. He read it all the way through, gave me a long hug. I cried and looked up at him. He said, "I love you. I'm sorry." After a moment, I said, "I love you, too, ---. I just want my husband back - the one who drove all the way up ---- on a motorcycle to see me." I was referring to a date we had before we married. After a moment, he asked if I wanted to go see a movie. My thought, 'Huh? A movie? You don't even like to go see movies - " Then it dawned on me, I like to watch movies. I'm guessing he wanted to do something with me that I consider fun, or he wanted to do something similar to when we dated to cheer me up.

Then I asked him, "Are you ready to recommit?" He answered, "uh huh," kindly. Me: "So it's over?" (referring to the affair) Him: "Yeah."

I feel a little relieved, but due to all the broken NC's, the little voice in my head says he'll continue to contact her and justify it by thinking, 'well, we're not doing anything but talking - like friends do.'

She lives 500 miles away, but even that's not far enough. And what if later on down the road, he has another affair? This time with someone local? It'll make this EA/PA seem like a sunny day compared to the other.

I'm very leery, because I had a previous relationship with a BF that lasted 13 years. That BF was my first love. He was a serial cheater. He would cheat. I would find out and be mad for awhile, but I'd come back or he'd come back. The cycle didn't end until I finally said, "I'm done." He had confessed to cheating after watching the movie, "City Slickers." We had been together about 3 years at that time. He seemed sincere, so I forgave him, and wasted a decade more of my life with him. The only good that came out of that relationship was that I learned how to be a detective and knew when things weren't right.

Now here I am with 4 little kids, and someone who replaced my husband with a stranger who looks identical to him. My heart wants everything to work out and be great, but my brain says our marriage / relationship ended when he decided to have the A. Then I think about it more, and wonder if our marriage was doomed from the start. He never got over the OW - his first love. He had tried to marry her 25 years ago. She said, "no." They broke up. He married another woman, who didn't like the marriage after 2 years, and she asked for an open marriage. He granted it, but he didn't sleep with another woman. They divorced 6 mos later. A few years after that he dated OW again, and asked her to marry him a 2nd time. She said, "no." They broke up. Six months later, he met me. I was the rebound girl. So did I become a baby factory for him? Was / is our marriage a farce?

I can't see not trying to save the marriage at this point. We owe it to our kids to at least attempt it.

Hoping to become more positive and make fun, happy days.

Knowing posted 7/13/2013 22:06 PM

I know what it's like to hold a torch for someone after almost 30 years, and I can tell you it's an illusion of the mind, a distraction, a fantasy, a fabrication that makes it impossible to enjoy the present, a very real barrier to happiness. It's a mental habit he's developed for all of his adult life and it will be hard to break, but like any habit it can be overcome, if he's willing.

Having said that, your DDay was last fall. Other than NC being breached, how is R going? When was NC last broken? Are you in IC? Is he? Are you in MC?

Have either of you read any books?

sisoon posted 7/14/2013 07:56 AM

Gary Chapman, of 5 Love Languages, is a woman???? Your H's attitude is a big red flag for me. I question the mindset of anyone who discounts something that could be a good idea simply because of the origin of the idea, especially when he's wrong about the origin. I fear a closed mind in a person who isn't interested in changing himself.

I encourage you to create clear, observable requirements for R. NC just isn't sufficient for building a new M. Usual reqs are

Answering questions when you ask them
IC for WS to change the thoughts and feelings that allowed him to cheat
MC when you're ready and for conflict resolution
IC for BS, if desired
plus specific that you'd like

[This message edited by sisoon at 7:59 AM, July 14th (Sunday)]

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