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Back again....6 years on

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OnlyMe123 posted 7/13/2013 17:58 PM

After the pain of finding out 6 years ago my spouse was visiting prostitutes, and had been for many years, I went through turmoil, pain, depression for years. He wrote me a letter, i remember, saying "I'll never let you down again" . I believed him and we reconciled for 6 years. But he did let me down, and has been at it again. Although this first he told me he was contemplating suicide (3 times) and at each time he decided to go visit a hooker, to save himself from taking an o.d.

I dont know what to believe. He is now on anti-depressants and says he is baring up. i didnt make a bit deal of the hookers as I would rather have him alive, even if not with me, for the kids sake. I am thinking that it all really is my fault.
You know how it is when you have kids, full time job, studying at night. I just dont feel like having sex at all.Maybe once a month, and that's me making an effort.

We have never had a "deep" conversation. And I guess that meant I just gave up on intimacy cause there never was any. The phrase i have read on here is "emotionally detached". Almost autistic i would describe him as.

So where do I go from here? I think a lot of this is my fault. But how do I talk to someone who is "emotionally detached" and i am in such pain day after day.......

jb3199 posted 7/13/2013 19:04 PM

Sorry that you find yourself here, OnlyMe.

You have been devastated before, but I don't know if you ever received help to get through those dark times, or if you just forged ahead with your husband without dealing with those huge underlying issues.

You question yourself---to the point of believing that the majority of problems are of your own faults. I get that---I really do. But you are going to have to learn to recognize that while I am sure that you have your own contributions to a poor marriage, that your husband did too. And the affair is all on him---100%---with zero chance of anyone else taking an iota of blame. That is the way it is, and that is the way that it will always be.

There are plenty of ways to deal with a poor marriage without infidelity. And if your husband never cheated, but wanted out of the marriage, he could have done so. You may have wound up just as blindsided by him asking you for a divorce, but at least he would have been honest with both you and himself.

But he wasn't honest, and he wound up cheating on you....and himself. And now he has the unenviable task of trying to find out why he could betray the two of you.

Your path to self-healing isn't a whole lot easier, but it starts with you putting the blame in its proper location. Affair--him. Marriage issues--both of you. One does not lead to another---it is the brokenness of the individual that makes those poor decisions.

Please take that as a starting point---releasing yourself of any blame leading up to the affair. It is not yours to shoulder. Focus on yourself first, to get to a better mental place, then expand to the issues that led to a difficult marriage. The one thing that you do have is time---so don't be afraid to use it.

Keep reading. Keep posting. I can't tell you how much it will help. When you can relate your pain to others here, it gives you the sense that you are not alone. Which you aren't.

Good luck.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 7:07 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]

Holly-Isis posted 7/14/2013 06:59 AM

He's guilt tripping you to accept his cheating. Many of us BSs have felt suicidal...and not gone to hookers as a cure.

I have had plans for how I would do it for years...I have come close a few times. I fully know the urge to kill yourself. The feeling that there are no other options.

That's the whole point....when you get to that place, there are no other options. If you can think of other options- such as picking up a hooker- you can make other choices.

I know you feel like it's better to have him cheating and alive than dead. That's not your only option though. He can be single, alive and screwing all the hookers his paycheck can hold. Meanwhile, you won't have to worry about what he'll bring home to you. You won't have to share your H.

Sometimes, when we love someone, letting them go is the best thing to do for them. He has a problem and it won't get fixed as long as he sees you will support him in those choices under duress, if that makes sense.

Take2 posted 7/14/2013 15:10 PM

You know how it is when you have kids, full time job, studying at night. I just dont feel like having sex at all.Maybe once a month, and that's me making an effort.

We have never had a "deep" conversation. And I guess that meant I just gave up on intimacy cause there never was any.

Okay, I'll bite into this. So the sex you did have was just sex... no intimacy. I imagine this made you feel used, not exactly an aphrodisiac, kind of makes you feel like... a hooker...?

Or was he helpful with the kids? Kind? Attentive? Did he try to lighten your load? Or did he just expect sex - get pissed off when he didn't get it - and use that as an excuse?

See foreplay should start at the breakfast table (IMHO). Intimacy involves foreplay and foreplay involves kindness, courtesy, empathy, and the feeling of being, not just desired, but also cherished.

Was he giving you all that and you were dis-inclined? If so... well he should have suggested MC before he cheated!! Cheating has not improved your sex life!!

If not - then he is again - equally culpable for problems in the marriage and 100 percent responsible for how he chose to act on it. I'm guessing this isn't your idea of an awesome sex life either - but you didn't seek it elsewhere...

Just because some of the marital problems involved sex - it is not an excuse to go to hookers! or endanger your wife's health! (in fact it basically reinforces the you are selfish and and that you only care about yourself!

You don't own this one!! OnlyMe123 -- He does!

[This message edited by Take2 at 3:12 PM, July 14th (Sunday)]

doggiediva posted 7/14/2013 18:15 PM

Exactly what Take 2 says..
If I can extricate myself from this marriage with my life/lively hood intact, I don't want to be part of another marriage ever again..I am beginning to think it is hard to find people that make good life partners...

OnlyMe123 posted 7/14/2013 19:10 PM

Thank you for all your replies. I am pondering over them.
You know I thought things were good, he looks after the kids more than I do really, as he works from home.He is good humored, kinda thoughtful. We were thinking of moving house.

i actually don't have a reason. Other than to say that I had a gut feeling that something pertaining to us being a "couple" was missing.

Does anyone get that? so for example if we went out with a group of friends, they all sit with their partners and he would make no effort to sit with me. and if I spoke he would talk over the top of me.

Yes I did sweep everything under the carpet. mostly because things are (were) going smooth and plus I can't unravel whats happened.

I didn't go to IC last time. just plodded on.

Mostly I think, why is he still here? And I have said to him, if he left he could visit hookers any time he wants.

Now I think that this time, its happened again, he's still here so that is a green light to do what he wants. A new line has been drawn and I am officially a doormat.

I just think how upset the kids will be of we split.

btw all tests came back negative. Except they don't test for HPV.

fairydust posted 7/14/2013 19:45 PM

I'm right here with you OnlyMe. It has been 7 years and just this month I found out he's cheating again.

So many things you talk about remind me of myself. Yes was just that-sex. No feelings almost like being raped. Just hurry up and get it over with. He has always been very emotionally distant and I could never talk about my work and he doesn't want to here it.

I've come to realize although not in counseling myself that he has no regard for anyone other than himself. He is the only person important to him. Nobody else not even our children. I've wasted 21 years and 3 kids later and know I need to move out but like you it's hard.

We've talked but only briefly as he never wants to discuss things. I was suspicious and finally found 2 text message from her that clearly indicated they were sexually involved. There was no way for him to lie his way out of it this time.

Sadly I've lived the last 7 years across the street from his last affair...obviously even seeing his last fling daily didn't matter to him.

I really do believe I was a doormat for these 21 years. I took care of everything and gave him the ability to cheat which I believe was done throughout our life together.

I never thought it was my fault and do believe he is severly broken as even his family doesn't associate with him.

Wishing you the best of luck. We both need it and will be so much stronger once these broken men are out of our lives.

fairydust posted 7/14/2013 19:49 PM

and yes I know what you mean when you go out and he doesn't sit with you. One we didn't go out but we were truly like two separate roommates living in the same house. He never wanted to talk much to me. I use to tell my kids all the time that we don't have a "normal" relationship.

standinghere posted 7/15/2013 04:07 AM

Although this first he told me he was contemplating suicide (3 times) and at each time he decided to go visit a hooker, to save himself from taking an o.d.

This is a reflection of deep seated inner turmoil that is quelled by the sexual acting out, albeit only temporarily. It does actually affect the mood and the neurotransmitter levels, alleviating the mood disturbance temporarily.

Not only is it not your fault, but if your husband has not told anyone about his past, he needs to start talking with IC, and from what you say I'd have to almost be willing to bet that he has a history of sexual or emotional abuse.

letitout posted 7/15/2013 10:19 AM

I to am m to an emotionally unavailable man. He doesn't sit by me, take my hand, kiss me, hug me. But he doesn't reject me either if I do those things to him. We never had a deep conversation until the infidelity. He is now trying to be more emotional available to me, but it is hard, very hard for him to do and I just feel so lonely because of it.

WH said he went with prostitutes because he was not wanting a relationship, that he was defective in having one.

Thank said, I echo what the others have said. It's not your fault.

PM if you wish to talk.

kiki1 posted 7/15/2013 14:34 PM

it was never your fault, you didnt force him to make the choice he made. you, in fact, were never even consulted. hugs.

OnlyMe123 posted 7/16/2013 13:23 PM

I could never talk about my work and he doesn't want to here it.

YES that's me! "Stop talking about work"

There are so many things here I can relate to.

[This message edited by OnlyMe123 at 5:34 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

Ostrich80 posted 7/17/2013 01:18 AM

I am M to one too. He literally squirms if our convo goes deeper than kids or the weather. We never had the deep convo about ow orA. He said sorry, won't happen again, now what's for dinner?. When we were having sex, which its been many moons ago, it was basically him waking me with a kiss, no foreplay, nada. I know he was wanting to.use my body after thinking of ow all night. I refuse to be treated like a blow up doll..I'm no linger available for his "pleasure" because I certainly didn't get any. He sends me this stupid ily text every morning and sometimes for shits and giggles I ask why do you love 3 things u love about me. He sends back a grumble text about why I can'tjust accept what he sent.
I am serious when I say this, he kisses and pets his dog more than me.
The sad part is, he wasn't like this before. He was very affectionate and our sex life was great. Now he's just a different person, one I wouldn't be attracted to if I just met him. Very sad what's become of us.

OnlyMe123 posted 7/17/2013 18:09 PM

he kisses and pets his dog more than me.

When we first got together, after about a year we got a dog. From that moment on I felt things changed. No more affection for me , only the dog. In hindsight I think thats the time he also started to visit hookers. But I didnt know that then
He is a lovely dog, but i blamed him for WH change in behaviour.

I often say to him now he would be a complete person with dogs and prostitutes.

On some planet there are just men , dogs and hookers.

Ostrich80 posted 7/18/2013 02:51 AM

Ws was taking a nap one day with the dog next to him, I.kid u not, the dog opened one eye, gave me a look and put his paw right on ws "bone' lil bastard knows he's #1

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 2:52 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]

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