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Weird text exchange with X-npd about DD18

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Chrysalis123 posted 7/13/2013 18:07 PM

Rarely ever have any contact with FT. Get a text today telling me tht DD18 has "something" going on with a 25 year old man from town. She just graduated high school.

He said he told her it was unacceptable and she threw a fit. He snooped and found out the guys name and went to see the guy and told him he had no business messing with an 18 year old. He ended the email by saying "I thought you should know."

He then goes on to tell me to lay low and not contact her about this because "We" can handle it. We meaning him and his live in GF. he actually mentioned "we" several times.

FT is the source of DD18's alienation from me. And now in his whacked mind I guess I am relagated to the side lines.

He tends to behave like a huge bully with the kids, ranting, yelling, poking etc. and I can picture how this went down.

He said he is worried if I email her it will turn into a "big deal" again. Yep..a big deal for HIM.

So....why did he even tell me? Hoover perhaps?

I was considering emailing her from the angle of it must be exciting to have an older man interested in you....BUT conversation and sharing with her the website Baggage Reclaim (which is all about healthy relationships).

I am so worried as she is an extremely vulnerable kid that is a sitting duck for a predatory guy.

What would you do if you were me?

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 6:08 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]

Nature_Girl posted 7/13/2013 18:59 PM

What I would do is investigate the guy first. Your DD is 18, she's a legal adult, she has the right to a relationship with a 25-year old man. So if the guy checks out, I don't know that you should do anything. Legally what could you do? And why would you?

Chrysalis123 posted 7/13/2013 19:02 PM

Good point

devistatedmom posted 7/13/2013 19:27 PM

Lay low, at least for a few days. Honestly? He goes at her enough, this may be the thing that brings her TO you, and ends the alienation.

Catwoman posted 7/13/2013 19:43 PM

I would call her and say this: hey, your dad contacted me that the fellow you were seeing is quite unsuitable. I would like to hear your side--can you call me?

This is non-judgmental, as kids this age believe they know it all. After talking with her and doing your own research, you should have a good sense of how to proceed.

Cat

P.S. I have found that listening is a great tool for this age. Ask probing questions (what do you feel about that? How does that make you feel?). This is a great way to show them how different your approach is from her father. Not that you might not ultimately agree the fellow is trouble, but in the steps you take to get there.

jjct posted 7/13/2013 20:17 PM

Agree with you Cat, but the fucktard then could play the 'I told you to lay low' drama card - likely DD would tell him, right? -

These people delight in dumping weird situations on your shoulders & giving you no way out - other than getting involved: being hoovered.

Lay low, play it cool. Let DD open the convo.
Let FT's resistance 'drive' her to you for advice...
Who among us doesn't know that telling your kid not to see someone is the kiss of death?

SBB posted 7/13/2013 21:05 PM

Ignore him. Crickets all the way. Do not even acknowledge this shit going forward.

Let your daughter tell you about her life. Sit back and watch him blow up his relationship with his daughter. Let her know you are there if she wants to talk.

She is 18. Even if the guy was 50 there's not a lot you could do. In fact doing anything could just make her more adamant to hang on to the relationship.

Relationship advice from that FT???

Get the fucking net - puh-lease.

Phoenix1 posted 7/13/2013 21:11 PM

Once they are legal adults all you can do is offer advice and let her know you are there if it goes bad.

My DD22 did similar at age 18. I didn't like the guy, but there was nothing I could do. It did not work out (no surprise), but I was able to tell her "I told you so" in a non- condescending way. Fast forward four years and she is living with a guy more than 20 years older. She knows I don't approve and don't like it or him, but I told her it is her life and she needs to learn her own life lessons, but she knows I am here for her no matter what. We talk about everything but that because, after speaking my peace that I know she can do so much better, I honor her decision as an adult and won't jeopardize our relationship because of it. It us tough to be a parent and have to sit on the sidelines and watch what you know will be an epic failure, but if you don't respect their adult decisions you may jeopardize your own relationship...

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 9:16 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]

k8la posted 7/13/2013 21:13 PM

Well - if you "lay low" and it blows up between FT and DD, he can always deflect and say you were in on it.

I 2nd Cat's suggestion to call her up and ask about the new guy. Slip in a few lines down the road about how to avoid hazards like her father...

gonnabe2016 posted 7/13/2013 21:35 PM

If I were in your situation, I don't think that I would say anything to DD. I would stay completely out of her 'relationship' stuff. I would wait a few days and then send her a text that said "hey, I saw <xyz> today and it made me think of when you <abc>. Remember that? I hope that you're doing well and I'd love to talk to you about what's been going on with you since graduation whenever you are available. I love you. Mom"

And if the situation at FT's deteriorates in the near future.....then you can be her soft place to land.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 9:36 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]

Kajem posted 7/13/2013 22:09 PM

Chrysalis,

My DD18 just graduated HS and told me 2 weeks ago she is dating a 23yo (soon to be 24). I am not alienated from her... but our relationship is tenuous. So I can sort of put myself in your shoes.

I would reach out to her... just like you would have done normally.. I think it would be more along the lines of what gonnabe posted. Do not mention the guy... keep it focused on her. Let her tell you about the guy.

If she mentions him, I would ask to meet him. I didn't ask to meet DD's BF, he asked to meet me. He seems nice enough... and young for 23... he gets kudos for a few things he said and did in our meeting and after. I keep telling myself... in 5 weeks she is leaving for college... his college is local... and keeping that in perspective, it helps.

There is nothing I can do.. other than impose a curfew for her living in my house. She will make her decisions... I just don't want my opinions to sway her decisions. Do I think this guy might be good for her... I don't know. I don't know him. What I do know is my DD has been lying to me since april.. I don't like that. Do I think her BF put her up to it..NO. I think she is so brainwashed by NPDXH that she assumed I would blow a gasket when I found out his age.

I got over that when her sister (DD1) started dating a guy 5 years older in college. They recently got engaged.

Your X going to see the BF, is NOT going to sit well with DD18. And that may be part of his plan to devalue DD.

She is leaving for college, he will be without her supply. He is probably mad she is giving attention to BF and not him. So it will become a pissing match between them.... let them have at it. If something comes out that he told you... tell her the truth... he told you, you felt it was her news to share and were waiting for her to say something. Till you met him, you were not going to jump to conclusions. She is an adult.. she didn't ask your opinion/advice.. so you didn't give it.

AS for XNPDPOS.... crickets. There is an agenda here... it's his. But his actions are one of ownership.. and not wanting to share that ownership with someone else.


Hugs,

K

Chrysalis123 posted 7/13/2013 22:20 PM

You guys are the best!!! thank you so much

dazdandconfuzed posted 7/14/2013 09:11 AM

I M'd a 25 year old man at 18 - not my current FWH, but my XWH. Started dating him when I was 16 and he was 23, in fact. My advice? No one should push too hard. My folks did and I honestly, in retrospect, think rebelling against that is part of how I ended up M'd to him, as weird as that may sound. And I think just the fact that they are dating is a good indicator that things aren't rosy between her and X-npd (looking for a father figure, eh?)

I would go with a variation of what Cat recommened:

hey, your dad contacted me and said that he doesn't approve of the fellow you are seeing. I would like to hear your side--can you call me?

If you push too hard, the alienation will probably get worse, and you could end up with a new SIL. ~shudder~

Compartmented posted 7/14/2013 10:18 AM

If he's like my X, he could be telling you this just to bait you into doing something with your daughter that would alienate you from her. He might be telling you his actions with the guy, when they are the actually the exact opposite. He may be telling the daughter, "Hey, I'm fine with it, but if your mom finds out, look out!"

I see this over and over with my X. I don't take his bait, and eventually I get a clue from the children that my interpretation of his motives or plan was right.

What I do is curb my reactions and try to keep to respecting the children's right to make their own decisions.

Chrysalis123 posted 7/14/2013 10:20 AM

"Hey, I'm fine with it, but if your mom finds out, look out!"

omg THIS!!!

ding ding ding ding

Chrysalis123 posted 7/14/2013 10:24 AM

Wow....he is one sick FT.

DD18 has been making tentative baby steps back toward me. Her attitude has softened, and she actually has lots of kind moments toward me.

He is trying to ruin it. I know it in my gut.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 10:25 AM, July 14th (Sunday)]

irrelevancy posted 7/14/2013 15:48 PM

When I read your question my first thought was all the couples I know (including my grandma/grandpa) who had a far bigger age span and were married through very old age - including very ill health at the end. Claiming inappropriateness based only on age really isn't right... other things may be an issue but age when she's an adult already isn't an issue any more.

Would there be a way to approach her asking for information like Cat said but perhaps with adding in that you're inclined to think he's pretty great unless proven other wise simply because it sounds like he's standing up for her. She'll know that you're being at least open minded toward him that way. "Based just on the fact that he's standing up to you, there some good things going on with your relationship... what's he like?"

It doesn't mean that you wholeheartedly approve but it does mean that you're open to hearing about him and that opens up lines of communication with your dd.

Basically, if your ex is saying things that assume an explosive reaction from you over this, you're doing the opposite without saying that you automatically approve.

persevere posted 7/17/2013 22:55 PM

My DD20 is dating a 25 year old, and he is just a great kid. (Honestly she's pretty much in charge...lol)

I think Cat's advice is right on, and I just read your thread where you used it to reach out to your girl - so glad it's working out so far.

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