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BH and I have been making progress lately....he is still not ready to let me come home but we have been having real conversations lately regarding my A and our relationship.

We talked about my job today and what it is like to see AP. I mentioned something about looking for another job and asked him how he would feel about it. He said he would worry I would go "looking for fresh meat" this comment stung, but I guess was deserved? I don't feel as though I went out searching for an A but I didn't respond because I didn't even know what to say.

He asked me what would I have done if the roles were reversed and he cheated on me....would I let him move home and how would I want to get the trust back.

I started to answer but stopped myself Because I realized I can't answer it....I can only imagine how hurt and angry he is but don't know for certain. I can say what I think I would do....I guess the point of this ramble is I am glad he asked the question because it made me think more about what he is feeling and really made me empathize more. Not to make it sound like I didn't care about his feelings before, but it really helped me think about it.

This Tuesday is our first MC session....I am nervous as hell but am hoping it will help

Hi.

I am glad to hear you are talking more to BH. But you clammed up a few times. I get the sense that you have a hard time expressing yourself and hope things will just get better by autopilot.

I would like to suggest you email him or write him a letter answering his question about "looking for new meat.". And expressing specific remorse and actions you are taking to be a safe partner again. Heck, you can run it by us first.

Sounds like BH is not really opposed to you finding a new job. I am not surprised. Look, it's day care, not an Ivy league school. You can work on finding something better and still be there and supporting your daughter. I know she gets free care there, but I would bet you can find something just as good.

Great news about the MC. If I were you, I would come out and tell the MC that the reason that you are there is because you cheated and you want to save your M. I spent 3-4 M sessions talking about the M problems, and my A never was brought up. Wtf. YOU be the one to bring it up.

That's all for now. Peace.