SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Joyless29 posted 7/13/2013 21:51 PM

Just found out that my husband of almost 9 years cheated. We have two kids: 3 and 6. We had been having trouble in our marriage and he stopped coming home. He told me he was staying and his parents house bc he had too much to drink. I confronted him and he told me no there is no one else. He must have been running his mouth and our mutual friend basically told me that he was cheating. I did not believe it. I checked his phone records and there was 27 pages of texts and calls to a women he works with. I confronted him, he denied it. It was bad. I was enraged. I finally got him to admit after I cornered him, he kept saying it was nothing. Just someone to talk to. Turns out he had sex with her 3 times in her car. He swears he wore a condom, but I have no idea. I have heard from others that basically he has been cheating on my our whole marriage, but he denies it. I don't know what to do...I am lost, confused. He is begging me to take him back. Crying and the whole 9 yards. I am numb and can't get those cincture a out of my head.

burnedcanuckEMS posted 7/13/2013 22:13 PM

Aw, first off I am so sorry you are going through this hell. Please know you are not alone, SI was my savings grace when I first found out about my ex's cheating, and I still come here for support. What an overwhelming time this is for you. We all know and understand the angst, hurting, pain and confusion of infidelity.

I am not good at giving advice to others but I can say that there is a goldmine of information on how to deal with infidelity in the healing library. The 180 does work, it helped me put one foot in front of the other when this happened to me. You can read my story in my profile, I divorced my husband and don't regret it. Many people on here have also reconciled with their spouses, either way you will find lots of support on these forums.

Oh and please, please get checked for STD's.... He could be lying about the condom use, and even if he did use one some STDs can be still be passed. Your health isn't worth gambling on.

Take care and big HUGS from one betrayed spouse to another.

SoVerySadNow posted 7/13/2013 23:06 PM

I'm sorry you had to find us.
The pain is so evident in your post.
There may be trickle truth (TT) going on, so be prepared to discover more.
And I second the STD check- if there was oral sex involved a condom was unlikely used during that.
I discovered that the hard way and was gifted with an STD.
Read, post- we are here.

MammaMia posted 7/13/2013 23:50 PM

Take care of yourself now. I know it is hard but you must give yourself priority.

Lay low and get your ducks in a row; consult an attorney so you know what your rights are in your state. Tell him nothing of what it is you are doing.

Do the 180 on him.

Kick him out if you can; many posters here say that kicking the spouse out of the house was the best thing they did. When there is no more secrecy and they have to be around the affair partner 24/7, the " newness" wears out and the true person comes out. The true person may not be what the WS and the AP had fantasized the other to be. You'll be surprised how fast they come running back crying and asking for forgiveness.

Give yourself 3 months to think straight because your emotions are taking over now. Then, and only then, decide what you want to do. ONLY YOU know what you must do. This is your life.

If you take him back have him sign a contract stating your boundaries and the consequences in case he does not abide by them .But if you do so, be prepared to act on the consequences if he goes back to his old ways because if you don't, he will never ever again take you seriously.

Good luck to you. Keep us posted.

Joyless29 posted 7/14/2013 02:24 AM

Thank you so much for your posts. It is so good to know I am not alone. What I fear most is the TT. I want to believe this is all I am going to find out. At first I kicked him out. Now he is back. The kids were having a hard time and honestly without family here, I could not do it alone, pretty sad I had to turn to the person who betrayed me for help. I don't know what is worse having him here or always wondering if he is with her, he works with her and she knew he was married with kids. What kind of woman and mother does this? What kind of man does this? I just want to be with my family. Back home which is 2 hours away. How can I do this to my kids though? How can I take them from their fathe? I am not sure if that would even go over in court if we were to divorce...

Joyless29 posted 7/14/2013 03:14 AM

I wanted to ask another question that Is really bothering me. He confided in a friend about the details of his affair. I had to beg her to tell me. She told another friend who eventually found the strength to tell me the truth. She said that he told her that he had reported having multiple one night stands with women our entire marriage. He venimately denies this. He did fess up to the OW who he got caught with. I don't know why to believe? The multiple affairs would be a deal breaker for me. I want the truth so I can move forward and not waste my time on him if this is the case..advice would be so helpful. This friend has no motive at all to lie to me. Also it is reasonable to ask m to contact her and let me hear him tell her that there is to be no contact? Is this crazy? Should I demand he take the code off his phone so I can see his messages? His phone records? Help I fell like I am going crazy.

Dawn58 posted 7/14/2013 03:23 AM

So sorry that you are here, but glad that you are reaching out. As other's have suggested, read the Healing Library, take care of yourself, talk to an attorney to find out your rights and get tested for STD's. Those are all steps you can do to empower yourself and take care of yourself.

The roller coaster ride of emotions is pretty intense. Try to rest when you can. Eat when you can. Get support from friends, relatives and the folks here. Post often, we are here to listen to you. You are not alone!!

myperfectlife posted 7/14/2013 03:27 AM

((((joyless)))
I haven't known long either...chances are you may not know the whole truth for a while.
In the meantime please take care of yourself, stay hydrated is something I hear a lot.
I have lost a lot of weight during the past 3 months and sometimes water/tea/protein shakes are all I can handle.
Take the good advice given here and be proactive . It may be the only power you have right now.

Ashland13 posted 7/14/2013 14:53 PM

HI Joyless,

So sorry for your pain, doubt and hard times. It should not happen with the one who should be our "steady rock".

I had a horrific time with the rumor mill, which continues to spin around, even though I slowed the water down by dipping out of public range and almost going into hiding for a time. It got so I couldn't believe my own parents and everyone was throwing advice at me and I couldn't think or breathe. Anyway...

Some things from that time period of a few months ago stand out more than others, but one thing is, to trust most friends.

The only person in the whole world who had nothing to gain by giving me the truth is a friend I almost lost because of my grief and lashing out, but she knew where I was coming from emotionally and held onto me like a life raft after she told me.

Note: She is a fellow BS!

Family did not tell me and even my own mother knew, so just because one relationship may be "closer" than another, doesn't always mean truth will come from there. In the books and movies it should, shouldn't it?

I will say to believe your very own gut, for you may know your husband best.

STBXH here said things that he hoped would minimalize what he was doing, the whole condom thing and he even claimed that OW got checked for STD's, but he flatly refused. He tried to say that "she was negative, so I must be and we used a condom, so no one will have anything", at the same time he said, "oh, that never occurred to me" and so on.

What I found too, is that if something happened that is significant, chances are good that you will become aware of it in some form or other. Oftentimes, it's been me finding out by myself, by accident or by slip up of STBXH, like when he was around more and taking things away he would drop things or forget a piece of paper from the cabinet, etc...if your WH does things on the computer and internet, you can find those things out, too.

Evidence and action is far more believable than words, which can be altered. Often evidence cannot.

You sound a lot like I felt at one time and from where you are, what I had to do was find my "threshold", a/k/a, deal breakers.

I still don't know all of what STBXH did, but I finally got to a point in winter where I had to shut off any word of him and I am still there. He is not part of my future and simply causes so much pain I cannot function, so I find that I simply shut off communication about his personal or daily life-I also find him disgusting now, almost physically dirty, and still have no idea how many women he may have been with now...as my own fog lifts.

I hope your fog lifts soon as you gather information. I agree with the posts that say to keep the info. close at hand, for when I would casually ask STBXH something, he would yell at me and once called me a liar. I was/am not.

I wish you well and a flashlight with which to navigate through this tunnel.

ToTrustAgain posted 7/14/2013 17:20 PM

I'm so sorry you find yourself here, but it's a wonderful place to get support from people who have been in your shoes.

You absolutely have every right to demand that he write a "No Contact" letter, or make a phone call in front of you. You also have every right to know ALL his passwords to his phone, his email account, his FB, etc.

This man has just destroyed your world as you know it -- he has proven he cannot be trusted. If he truly wants to reconcile, and he truly feels remorse, he will have no problem with giving you those passwords. He no longer has a right to privacy - which is a consequence of his horrific actions, and NOT you being overly dramatic.

It takes time, and evidence of consistent change to move forward after an affair; it's not easy. :( It is also completely normal to feel as if you're on an emotional roller coaster. Hang in there, Joyless, and keep posting! You will get through this.

Take2 posted 7/14/2013 17:38 PM

^^ToTrustAgain has given you the low-down.

You get open, unfettered access to all forms of communication. He must work to restore trust! You figure out what it is you need to feel secure. If that is a polygraph - given the accusation to ONS - so be it!

If the OW is married - inform her BS quickly and quietly. If they work together closely - time to look for a new job!

If he hesitates - know ahead of time how you will answer that.

And yes, get tested for STD's.
I don't think I've heard of a single case here where the claim to have used protection was true.

But most importantly, breathe. You don't have to do it all right this minute. You have to eat, stay hydrated, take care of the kids... This is a marathon - whichever way things spin. Focus first and foremost on what you need to stay sane!

((joyless))

Joyless29 posted 7/15/2013 03:33 AM

I can't tell you all how helpful you have been. T is so good to know I have people to take to. The 180 worked and honestly felt so liberating. I took a shower out on make up walk out the door and told him I had a few things to take care of. Most of the day I just went on with ,y life and by the end of the day I was angry. It just appeared to me that he was getting off Scott free. His life had not changed. He still has a home, gets to see the kids, and technically speaking a wife. Like there are no consequences for his actions. He went to see a priest yesterday. Someone he has know since he was a kid. Said he will continue to talk to him. I just wonder how long this will last? When will things slowly slide back to normal? I wrote up a list of conditions for reconciliation which include full Access to records, no contact, copies of blood work, dr tests for STDs, and many others. I told him if I catch him I'm one mormelie about anything, that's that deal breaker for me. I will file for divorce. I don't know what my gut is telling me. I want so badly to catch him in anther lie. I have access to him phone account which he does not know about right now. He says he will do whatever but has not come forward with information. I asked him to see his old phone records and he said he does not have access to the because he cancelled the account. I find it hard to believe that the coma my still would not have them. I have some of the records but wanted to see how far back the calls began with this woman. He says April, but who knows. Why do I want to catch him so badly if I know that's it? Maybe in my heart I know what I really wan to happen. That is hard to face.