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bewuzzled posted 7/14/2013 03:32 AM

Hi SI. It's been a long time since I've read or posted. But... Here I am again, just needing to write/ think things out.

Things have been good, really really good between BH and I recently. At least it feels pretty good at the time. Until the vicious cycle starts again, and BH reminds me that he does not now, nor has he ever believed that I've told him the truth about what happened. And it doesn't matter what I do or say, he refused to believe me that I've told him the truth.
So ok, as far as I can tell there's nothing I can do about it. I've offered a polygraph before.. He said no. I've given it time.. That doesn't seem to be the answer either.
Here's my biggest issue though. When he randomly winds up in a bad mood cause something has triggered him or he's been thinking about it, he does not hesitate to let me know 'something is wrong' but he does not want to talk about it. He tells me it's "his issue" he tells me he will just deal with it on his own. He says that our talks don't do any good. And he's right. He's waiting for me to admit I'm still lying and give him the real story, and I keep maintaining the story I've already told. So... We don't get anywhere. It's a total stalemate, noone has anything to give that will fix anything.

So what now? Hell if I know. I know I'm frustrated, discouraged, exhausted.... So sad and tired of trying so hard to make him love me and believe me..

All I can think is that it's time to take a couple of steps back, try to relax and gather up some strength and renewed purpose. Maybe after that, I can come back strong and maintain my resolve. Maybe...

authenticnow posted 7/14/2013 06:05 AM

There was a point where my BH would do this. I knew he was upset and triggering, I'd ask him and he'd say 'I'll deal with it'.

We talked about it in MC and she said that his feelings are his to own. He had to learn tools to deal with his emotions, with his pain, and process them in his own time. (He worked this out in IC, who was the same woman who was our MC, btw)

However, before everything was out, this was not possible. His gut was screaming and he couldn't move forward.

I hope all of it is out, Bewuzzled, that there is no TT left. If there is, please tell him because he knows it.

If not, keep doing what you're doing, and there's nothing wrong with letting him own his own feelings. He has to work through them in his time.

heforgotme posted 7/14/2013 06:40 AM

Hey bewuzzled. I'm a BS, but I didn't see a stop sign, so I hope you don't mind.

We are only 8 months out, so given your DDay I'm not sure what I can tell you that you haven't already tried. But just in case......

As you're on SI, I'm assuming that you've already done all the staples....transparency etc. And that you've apologized in every way possible, both verbally and with actions. So, I will tell you something that my WH said a few weeks after DDay bc it is kind of counter-intuitive. He expressed to me how much this has harmed HIM. He told me later that it was difficult to say, bc it seemed inappropriate to bring up HIS pain in the midst of all this. But I will tell you that it is one of the things that has helped me the most. Bc it made me feel like we are in this together. Suffering together. And for me it has made this R thing "ours" instead of something he's enduring and I'm just trying to get through.

The other thing I think I would do at this point (and this is just me), is push a little. For example, when he tells you it's "his" issue, say, "No. It's not. It's OUR issue. Talk to me." I know you said you both think that your talks don't help anything, but I have trouble believing this. If they truly don't, then maybe you aren't talking about the right things. Make sure you are talking about the hard things. Looking into the dark, scary corners. Even if one or both of you end up crying. (Which happens almost every time with us.)

I hope there was something or other in this that was helpful. I wish you luck.

hurt314 posted 7/15/2013 02:12 AM

Hey there.

I haven't been around much either but I popped in last week and posted. Of course you're here too.

I think sometime that's really hard is that I know he "thinks you're lying"... I would say the same thing about my H. And I truly do believe there is more to his story than he is willing to tell (Not that there is for you, just in my case).

But what really bothers me, more than that I think he's still lying is that I know he did lie. If that makes sense. I know it was years ago. But every time I started to get comfortable I would say to myself, as a sort of reminder "but he's still lying."

I'm getting off course I think. My point is that I wish my H would be willing to talk to me more about everything. Not necessarily what happened, but about us now and our relationship. He isn't - he's frustrated and exhausted and I can see that he's tired of it. And that has kind of broken my heart. That all I went through, the pain I still feel, the mistrust I still feel, and he's just done dealing with it.

He does need to find a way to come to terms with the fact that he can never know everything. Because even if you have told him "everything" its not the same as being there. It's not the same as you not having a secret in the first place, and it hurts. And it might always hurt him.

His bad moods might seem random to you, and maybe they are, but if he is letting you know that something is wrong, it seems like it's for one of two reasons (or maybe both:
1 - he does want to talk to you, but he's not sure what or how to say it
2 - he is trying to make you feel bad.

Like I said, it could be a combination, and maybe not consciously trying to make you feel bad. But if he is thinking of it and feeling bad, it might just be a little nudge like "Hey, you may think everything is great, but I'm still in pain here."

I hope you guys keep going and can communicate well. I know you've worked really hard through all of this.

hugs to you.

blakesteele posted 7/15/2013 04:21 AM

I can relate to this cycle...we are very much in it.

Any tips on breaking out of this?

Neither of us are getting anything positive out of this cycle...

We are in MC...but it too has stagnated of late.

God be with us all.

bewuzzled posted 7/15/2013 07:03 AM

Hi hurt!! Good to see you, it's been awhile, and we are back at the same time again...

So maybe it's best if I just let him own his own feelings, but to me, it feels like that would be saying " good. Don't bother me with it, just let me know when it's over.." And I don't want him to think I feel that way.

And we are back to the good for now, the bad lasted 2 days this time. So part of the cycle is that we just let it go until next time it comes around, and then we'll do this same thing over again. Is that communication though? It feels like rugsweeping in a way, but then we are back to the fact that when we do talk about it, we don't get any resolution....

blakesteele posted 7/15/2013 07:20 AM

Well said bewuzzled...where is the resolution? We have been in counseling once a week almost since the beginning...9 months ago.

Shouldn't our conversations be much improved?

cliffside posted 7/15/2013 09:34 AM

BS here. What was helpful for me was one night we sat down and I asked my FWH to walk me through how it started, etc. We agreed that I could ask any question. I asked some humiliating questions and he answered them truthfully. I knew he was telling the truth because it was ugly. I told him he needed to rack his brain for any minute detail that I could later find out about and would put us back at DDay. Maybe you could suggest this to your H? Tell him you want him to believe you're telling the truth and you will answer any question he has. Tell him something humiliating and ugly that shows him you're willing to expose yourself to him, even when it isn't pretty.
I hope that helps....

uncertainone posted 7/15/2013 10:42 AM

Any tips on breaking out of this?

Recognizing you have a choice to be there. Sometimes a miracle is just a change in perception. Trusting that you are able to change that choice and are in complete control of your future can be very empowering. Even if your choice is staying. It's yours. You're in control

Bewuzzled, same deal.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 10:43 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

noescape posted 7/15/2013 14:58 PM

BS hat on. Was there a lot of TT initially? Did your A completely blindside him? Are you being transparent? What about communicating in general? Were/are you a conflict avoider? These are questions that immediately spring to mind. I have the same issue with my BW/WW and I can tell you with absolute certainty that she is still hiding the truth, at least the raw truth without embellishments, lies of omission and commission. How? Because of her carried on behaviour since her admission of TT and my finding out that my gut was not wrong. What I mean by carried on behaviour is that everything she promised or committed towards trust building never happened, not consistently anyway. That has to do with her own CA and PA issues but the end result is what I see/feel. The ore thing that you'll see repeatedly is that it's the lies that destroy the R, not the A itself. For me, what would've worked would be her VOLUNTEERING information, and secondly, never saying "I've told you everything" which is code for "I've told you everything I want you to know and the rest I take to my grave". The only acceptable answer IMHO is "that's what I can remember for now and I'll let you know if I remember anything else" and to follow up that commitment with ACTION. In essence, I'd ask you to dig deeper and think about any details or thoughts/feelings that you haven't discussed about the A. As one tag I read here a long time ago said "we know where the light is by looking at the shadows".... Are you/is your story casting any shadows?

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 7/15/2013 18:18 PM

but then we are back to the fact that when we do talk about it, we don't get any resolution

What kind of resolution are you looking for? I can't tell you how many times HT has told me that he is struggling but needs to work it out on his own because we have already gone over everything and he sees no use in making me feel bad. But pretending like nothing is wrong doesn't work either. So we talk about it. Sometimes he will ask specific questions about what is on his mind. Sometimes he will just tell me how he feels and I listen. Sometimes I do end up feeling bad, but it's because I don't want him to be in pain. But mostly we end up feeling better in the end. Without resolution. They are feelings that need to be felt. They need to be faced. Otherwise how do you heal them? You know the saying, you can't heal what you don't feel.

Sometimes when we hold feelings inside we give them a great deal of power. Once they are out, that power they hold on you can begin to fade a little at a time. So as frustrating as it may seem that there is no resolution does not always mean that discussing it is not productive or healing. It can be about knowing that you are both in this together. That he is not alone and you support him from a place of love and compassion. And that may just be enough 'resolution' for the time.

I guess it really depends on what the talks look like. Are they more about you defending your position? Or are they more about understanding his feelings and offering support?

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