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Newest Member: kdeegandy (46044)

User Topic: Acceptance
FR2012
♀ 36345
Member # 36345
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been spiraling down lately. I have been having a really hard time accepting what I did. I mean I know I did it and I know I hurt my husband. But I guess it's just hard to actually accept what I did to him.

It's been hard to accept that I let myself stoop that low to let myself do something like that. To hurt the one person that I love and that believes in me and loves me. I have been having a hard time accepting how much I truly hurt him. By letting myself go outside of the marriage. To let myself have such low self esteem and self love that I would do something like that.

It has been eating away at me lately why I would do this and just to accept what I have done. I don't exactly know why though. I feel like the guilt is getting to me a lot.

My question for WS is, how did you come to terms with your A? How did you accept what you did to you, your spouse, your family and friends? How did you accept why you stepped out of the marriage? Just how did you accept everything about your A?


BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess because I knew I couldn't change it. And once I stopped living 'in the dark' about everything, I started to feel lighter and better about myself.

Through IC I learned to speak my truth (with my FOO), talk to LD about my feelings and share with him openly and kindly, and this all felt like a better, healthier way to live.

I have never fully accepted what I did to myself, my H, my kids, but I have accepted that it is part of me, a wound that has scabbed over and healed pretty well. I dug deep and fixed the broken person inside of me, and that has to be good enough.

It also helps having a BH who loves me and has supports me in my growth (as I do him). I know the important thing is to love yourself and not need that, but it sure helps!

It's okay to feel like crap about it, FR, because it is crap. The whole thing sucks! But don't dwell there. Focus on your growth, and try to stay positive.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38992 | Registered: Sep 2007
Trying33
♀ 38815
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Focus on your growth, and try to stay positive.

This.

I'm sure there have been times where you have done things differently to before. Focus on them. Remind yourself of the small steps you've made and the commitment to yourself to never get in that position again.

I'll share a recent example.

We were with the kids on the weekend and went to wash the car. The kids started to get bored so I took them for a walk whilst H finished off with the car. It was a beautiful day. For some reason I triggered and started thinking, usually I would use this opportunity to call xAP or send him a private email etc.

It was so liberating and satisfying knowing I was genuinely going for a walk with my kids, enjoying a day out with my family. Not looking for the next opportunity to make a fool out of my H so I could send a message. Living a life of integrity and no lying or sneaking around.

For me, this was bittersweet, Realising what a b***ch I've been, but also how much better things are now.

Forgiving myself and pledging everyday to put my H and kids above and beyond all else.

Hope that helps a little.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
hardlessons
♂ 35025
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did you accept what you did to you, your spouse, your family and friends? How did you accept why you stepped out of the marriage? Just how did you accept everything about your A?

Not sure we are supposed to. I know I don't accept it, I don't accept my behavior. I accept that I made choices that were horrible, but other than that I don't accept any of what I did. Am I learning why I made choices, yes. Am I learning a new way to do things so I make healthy choices, hell yeah.

Don't let the shame and guilt keep you from what you need to do. It won't help and will keep you from doing what you need to do. IMO Good luck


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
KBeguile
♂ 38348
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think "acceptance" in this case carries with it a bad connotation.

"Acceptance" is defined as (take your pick, from Webster's):

1. the act of taking or receiving something offered.
2. favorable reception; approval; favor.
3. the act of assenting or believing: acceptance of a theory.
4. the fact or state of being accepted or acceptable.
5.
a. a pledge to pay an order, draft, or bill of exchange when it becomes due.
b. an order, draft, or bill of exchange that has been accepted.

Well, we (as WSes) were never offered anything to take (strike #1).

We don't want to grant "favorable reception" or "approval" to what we have done (strike #2).

We CAN assent/believe that we chose to participate in our As, but we have also chosen to assent/believe that we aren't just the sum of our Wayward activities, so I would rather choose to "accept" my changes, rather than my A-behavior (strike #3).

Nothing we did would be construed by anyone as "acceptable" (I hope; strike #4).

And we have no legal form of "acceptance" (strike #5).

--
To me, "acceptance" is sort of a "roll over and take it lying down" word. It's not actionable; it's merely a state of being. That said, if you are "accepting the blame for your A" (which is how I'm assuming you're using the word here), then it shows no growth, no further participation, no change.

I can accept blame for a lot of things: Titanic and Hindenberg are my two favorite examples. Doesn't change what happened, but also doesn't make anything about them actionable NOW. I can no more do anything about the Titanic or the Hindenberg than I could when they happened, so accepting them is a moot point.

What can you say about NOW? I, for one, can say that I won't build any luxury liners with too-few life boats, or use hydrogen-inflated zeppelins coated in the ingredients for thermite. I can also say that I have really gotten deep under my issues, like weeds in a garden, and pulled for my life. Everything bad is being processed and disposed, everything good is getting re-planted and nurtured. It's not a "roll over and take it" process; it's a "be active and make good choices" process.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 802 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
FR2012
♀ 36345
Member # 36345
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Authenticnow:

I think that is why I am going to have to eventually accept it. I know I can't change it.

I still have a hard time opening up to my husband sometimes. Which I know probably puts a little damper on our relationship. I am slowly doing it more but it has always been something that has been an issue for me.

I don't think I will ever accept what I did to myself, my kids or my husband. Like you though, I know it is part of me. It is something that is going to be with me for life and I have to accept that part.

It also helps having a BH who loves me and has supports me in my growth (as I do him).

I hear you there. If I didn't have my husband there for me to support me, I would be a mess.

I am trying to stay positive about it because I am doing what I can to change and be a better person.

Trying33:

I am doing work on myself right now because I never ever want to become the person I was last year during my A. I never want to stoop that low again to get to the state of mind to hurt the one person that loves me and sticks by me.

I was a horrible person during the time of my A. I treated my family bad and was a bitch too. I didn't care about anything. I didn't care about consequences, I didn't care who I hurt or anything. And I hate that that is the person I became.

I am still working on forgiving myself. I think that is going to take a long time to do.

That did help. Thank you for responding.

Hardlessons:

Don't let the shame and guilt keep you from what you need to do.

And I think that is what I am focusing on instead of focusing on what I need to do. I am focusing on the guilt and shame. Of course I hate what I did to my family. I absolutely hate myself for it too. But I do need to focus on getting better and changing instead and not focus on the bad.

Thanks HL. That helps.

KBeguile:

Thank you for writing that. It was actually very insightful and has really given me something to think about.

I really appreciate all the thoughts and responses. They really do help.


BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
JustDesserts
♂ 39665
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good thread to read. It is interesting here on SI to read how different posters interpret things in different ways. There is value in seeing a problem or feeling assessed and tackled in numerous ways.

My question for WS is, how did you come to terms with your A? How did you accept what you did to you, your spouse, your family and friends? How did you accept why you stepped out of the marriage? Just how did you accept everything about your A?

I personally feel acceptance is a conscious choice that must be put into practice. The tough part for me is that we can accept something one day, and the very next day be right back in a state of "unacceptance". I WISH acceptance was as easy as "I accept X and now we're done here". But in my experience, nope.

In reading the last paragraph of your topic I got to thinking, and it was helpful for me to replace the word "accept" with "understand". To strive to understand feels more concrete for me right now, and if I can understand what brought me to the point I had justified lying and cheating myself, and my spouse, and my loved ones...then just perhaps that authentic life I hear about will become a possibility.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Alyssamd24
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am working everyday to understand or accept why I chose to have an A... my BH has asked me many times "why didn't you come to me if you were unhappy" "why didn't you stop yourself if you knew it was wrong" and "how could you do it"

Unfortunately I have no answers for him but wish more than anything that I did....I knew it was wrong and would destroy my M and my family if I got caught; I felt guilty every time I saw AP or spoke to him, yet I still continued. I wish I could understand why I did that.

I was so wrapped up in my own feelings and (false) needs that I didn't stop....and I was foolish and naive enough to think that the feelings I had for my AP were actually real.

I wish I had an answer for you, I really do. I think all we can do is accept that we all made huge mistakes and have learned from them, and now must do whatever is necessary to help fix those we hurt.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 944 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
JustDesserts
♂ 39665
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was so wrapped up in my own feelings and (false) needs that I didn't stop....and I was foolish and naive enough to think that the feelings I had for my AP were actually real.

I can completely relate. My self-delusions and selfishness in this regard are, sadly, well documented!

I wish I had an answer for you, I really do. I think all we can do is accept that we all made huge mistakes and have learned from them, and now must do whatever is necessary to help fix those we hurt.

I believe the veterans around here will point out you need to find the answers for YOU...and fix YOU first. It seems to me you are on your way. JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Alyssamd24
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you JD. I am trying to fix me


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 944 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
sosorry5454rl
♀ 37637
Member # 37637
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well said kbeguile, that was quite insightful!


WW(me) 41
BH 50 (5454real)
Married 10 years
Currently in R and plan to stay there and succeed
DD 21, DS 19, SS 22, DS 8, DGS 2

Posts: 61 | Registered: Nov 2012
Topic Posts: 11

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