Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Did you decide to D right away?

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

tennispro posted 7/14/2013 07:56 AM

I see a lot of posts on Just Found Out that say to give it time and wait on making any moves. However, I know and have always known that I cannot be married to a cheater. We've been together 16 yrs and married for 11yrs. I could be there through so many other things but cheating (lying, betrayal, abandoning the family for his LTA) is not something I can forgive and work through.
So, is it still in my best interest to sit on this decision? If so, why?
Thank you to all who have walked this path before me.

cayc posted 7/14/2013 08:16 AM

Long answer: Of course not, if you are clear on it's a dealbreaker for you then it is. Peruse the R forum, it's not all sunshine and roses there. The people that choose that path struggle mightily and it's not for the faint-hearted, and there's no guarantee.

I think the wait advice is given in the same manner that any wait advice after trauma is given. Sometimes people can cut their noses off to spite their own face when they make hasty emotional decisions. So the wait advice is getting at that. Your arm just got lopped off? Ok, take a breath. Sit and think. What's another month or two going to matter if it buys you peace with your decision ....

But if you know already you don't want R, why wait? Fuck it. Get away from the selfish cheater and don't look back.

This is especially true if you're young, don't have kids, or with certain types of affairs (LTA, serials, sex addicts ... those WS who have never not been betraying their BS for the life of the M making the entire M a lie). That's not to say that you can't R with that type of betrayal, but the odds of success are very poor indeed.

Many of us who attempted R with an LTA, serial, sex addict WS just got further hurt. And the few I know trying to R with them ... their lives are consumed with the effort of standing by a broken WS trying to fix himself/herself. Literally repairing the damage becomes their life. And to me that's a half life.

I'm far enough out on the other end that I am thrilled to be D, am annoyed at myself for dragging my feet for doing it, and am happier today than I ever was while M (and I was one of the ones who was slavishly devoted to my M and WH & *thought* I was happy, I tried soooooo hard to R doing nothing more than making it worse for myself). Oof, looking back I was *miserable* married to that asshat. MISERABLE. And I didn't even know.

Short answer: Yes, you can D right away and it can be the right decision and you should!

Amazonia posted 7/14/2013 08:25 AM

I more or less did. We were only married a few months when he started cheating, and he admitted it a few months later. I think I wanted to R for about a month. Then I was solidly on the D train. It helped that he wasn't remorseful and moved in with OW on DDay.

My state has a mandatory waiting period, so I gave him that six months, but I was really more relieved than anything else when he didn't take it and everything was final. It would have been very difficult to start over for me.

I've been cheated on in the past and tried to make it work, and it was an excercise in futility for me.

nowiknow23 posted 7/14/2013 08:46 AM

I was married 23 years, and I knew right away I was done, for many of the same reasons you described.

I have not once looked back and wished I had done it differently. Even if I had been able to forgive what he'd done to the family, I knew in my heart that he wasn't capable of the kind of introspection and effort required to work on what was broken. It just wasn't going to happen, and I wasn't going to continue living with that or subject my children to it as an example of what marriage should be.

Hugs, honey.

nomistakeaboutit posted 7/14/2013 09:16 AM

It's often said on this site that for some, "infidelity is a deal breaker."
It's completely O.K., if that is the case with you. It's actually good that you realize it. You are 100% entitled to this "remedy", if you will. There is no need to wait a day longer than you want to. Good luck and sorry.

tennispro posted 7/14/2013 09:30 AM

Thank you for the responses.
What adds fuel to all of this is that WS is a functional alcoholic and for me to enable him in front of our young kids is a bad move on my part. Aside from the lying and cheating he doesn't know when to stop drinking. It's ironic given that he's very successful in his business life. He's destroyed his home life but he's "the man" when he steps into his work world.
Alas, he would never do IC or MC and refuses introspection of any type.
It would all be on. My to sweep this under the rug and I won't. The kids and I deserve better and I see no reason to wait. Thank you again.

Abbondad posted 7/14/2013 09:31 AM

Hi, Tennis,

(lying, betrayal, abandoning the family for his LTA) is not something I can forgive and work through.
So, is it still in my best interest to sit on this decision? If so, why?
Thank you to all who have walked this path before me.

As everyone knows who have followed my threads, I "sat on it" while losing my mind for almost a year before beginning the official process of divorce.

Maybe this was too long, but I knew when I'd truly had enough--that my soul could just not absorb any more pain of limbo.

And behind the pain--and this was fairly recently--was that realization that in reality I just can't be with someone who did this and has the capacity TO do this. I can't live with myself if I did try to live with such a person. I would never trust again. I can see the years go by, the fears never abating, only for the marriage to die a slow death as other opportunities passed me by.

I just can't see it, and I am divorcing.

phmh posted 7/14/2013 09:35 AM

I admire your strength and level-headedness.

We filed for D about a month after D-Day. In many respects, I wish I would have done it sooner, as I did try to make him pick me for about a month. After we filed, my state has a 4 month waiting period and he did try to get me back during that time.

However, I read here in the R forum and realized I didn't want that life for myself.

I have no regrets about moving as quickly as I did. From D-Day to divorced in less than 6 months. I truly believe that more people would find happiness sooner if they divorced the cheater right away instead of spending months/years delaying their healing and making the wound worse.

Dawn58 posted 7/14/2013 09:39 AM

The affair was a deal breaker for me. Dday was 11.25.12 and I filed for divorce on 1/8/13. Mediation is set for Oct 2013. Want him out of my life, want my freedom!! It is so awesome not to have him in my life now, no more lies, no more walking on eggshells, no more rages and no more being sucked dry by his endless need for attention, back rubs and being taken care of. The last few months have been hell, the pain, the hurt, the betrayal, the rage have felt overwhelming at times. This site has been so helpful, the support of my friends and family too.

I was so confused and lost when I found out about the affair. He showed no sign of remorse and chose to be with his mistress. His actions spoke louder than his words and I knew it was time that my actions spoke loudly to him as well.

tennispro posted 7/14/2013 09:41 AM

Thank you again. It's is so inspiring. I keep thinking that I can do this now while I'm 44 going on 45 or spend more years being treated like crap and do this when I'm older. What's the point in waiting? He's shown his true colors. I've been the loyal, steadfast wife raising our children and from that I've become very strong. I will be ok. I know there will be lows (as there have been since dday) but at least I won't have to account for him in the day-to-day of my life.

ButterflyGirl posted 7/14/2013 09:46 AM

My D-day was in September 2012. We separated after 1 month of false R in October 2012, and I filed for divorce in November 2012. So in 2 months, my 10-year marriage (and over 12 years together) was over, and I don't regret it one bit. It was absolutely the right decision. When you know, you just know, and that is okay..

I do agree that it is difficult to make rational decisions with emotions running so high. Divorce is mainly a business transaction, and getting through the legal stuff (especially with kids involved) can be very tough while also dealing with the pain and trauma from the betrayal. I would recommend getting yourself a lawyer as soon as possible to help keep your head on straight and make sure you are making the best deal possible coming out of this.

Big hugs to you..

phmh posted 7/14/2013 09:47 AM

You sounds like a strong, happy person. You will do wonderfully. I predict that in less than year, you will look back and not even believe how wonderful your new life has become once you drop him from your life.

There is a study that was done that I think about a lot. A year after winning the lottery or a year after losing a limb, people are back to the same happiness level they were before the bad/good thing took place.

There will be ups and downs, of course, but there are so many good things in store for you!

Jospehine85 posted 7/14/2013 09:51 AM

There is a study that was done that I think about a lot. A year after winning the lottery or a year after losing a limb, people are back to the same happiness level they were before the bad/good thing took place.

Very interesting. Wonder if that appies to R?

Fooled Me Twice posted 7/14/2013 11:11 AM

I was in a slight limbo (though he did not know this as I packed myself, dd and dog and left within 2 hours of finding out to stay with family) for a short period of time after DDay. That was only because I believed his lies - he totally downplayed the whole thing. As I started to find out more and he began to show me more and more about who he was I was resolute in getting a divorce. I have not looked back since. It's a deal breaker for me. And I made that abundantly clear to him before marriage. The porn/websites from years ago had me waffling as to if that was really cheating, so to combine that with he current cheating I was done. And that's not including the physical and verbal abuse I put up with as well. So needless to say, being single is pretty sweet in comparison:) In fact I look back and think - WTF was I thinking being with him?!?!?!?

tesla posted 7/14/2013 11:54 AM

I offered my ex-shat R. But he HAD to get into individual counseling.

I'm not one to wait around for an answer...either he was going to do it or he wasn't. I week from D-day, he wouldn't commit to getting help. I knew that I had to D him.

At the time, I wished so much he would come back and fight for himself and for us (we have a son). Now, 1.5 years out from D-day...I'm so relieved and happy that he didn't.

jtom posted 7/14/2013 12:32 PM

My then wifes cheating was a deal breaker for me also, after 18 years of marriage.I felt nothing but a sense of revulsion when I found out about it.I did try to reconcile but that mountain was just to hard to climb for me an I divorced her.A friend of mine pretty well summoned it up when he said " marriage is like a beautiful piece of crystal but when there s been an infidelity its as if you shatter it on the floor. You can glue it back together but when you hold it up to the you can see the cracks an it will never be as strong"

PhantomLimb posted 7/14/2013 13:42 PM

It took me three weeks after Dday to leave him, a week of that we weren't speaking.

It wasn't just about the A for me. It was how he handled it after DDay.

I offered him R and, at first, he agreed. But he couldn't take it when I got upset in our subsequent conversations and he would tell me he "wasn't ready to talk" or that our last conversations had "taken a toll" on him and he needed space. He refused to leave his job (OW was a coworker). He went into IC, but only bi-weekly. His version of the A wasn't adding up and when I challenged him, he would back off again. He was supposed to get on a plane to come see me so we could do MC, but he kept warning me he had to "bring work" with him. I told him come out to see me in a spirit of R or not at all. He changed the flight the next day to go see his family in another state instead.

When he came back from his trip home, I got DDay#2. He had taken the A underground. He didn't want to R. He wanted to be "free and liberated". He told me I could get a sublet and we could see each other at work twice a week and see what happens (yes, I was about to start a job in his office with him AND her!). I refused. I NC-ed his butt. I haven't talked to him since.

It may sound cliche, but I'm starting to think their true character comes out when the chips are down. NC/180 has been the hardest thing in my life, but after 8 weeks I'm starting to get perspective on the A, on our relationship, the warning signs, etc. I also know that I didn't get the true story from him, but I'm no longer interested in finding out the extent of what really happened.

If you know this is a dealbreaker for you, I imagine it would be hard for you to muster up the stamina to R with him. Even for those 3 weeks that we tried, I remember thinking to myself over and over "what a schmuck" and thinking that he was incredibly weak. It just made me angry. Someone I had looked up to and admired for a decade was acting like I'd never seen him: disordered, indecisive, gullible, selfish. Had he been remorseful, yeah, maybe I could have seen it through with him. I knew I was the stronger of the two of us and I figured one of the points of a relationship was for the stronger partner to lift up the other if they falter.

But at a certain point, you have to be met at least half way.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.