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User Topic: Putting pieces of the A to rest
♀ 37765
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The last year for me has been about putting various pieces of the A to rest. I feel like I understand what happened, I process it, and then I can let it go. I don't forget, I remain aware, but once I go through this process, I am largely able to let things go.

For the last few weeks I have been struggling with mind movies, which is something I didn't experience much of until now. I am starting to realize that maybe I just wasn't ready to deal with that piece. I never asked specific questions regarding the details of their physical encounters. There were only two, I knew that one was kissing, the other ended up with them naked and in bed. My WH has given me his full story, but I still had a few questions that had been plaguing me. I held off on asking because I didn't know if I wanted to know the answer.

Last night, I finally asked. He has always maintained they didn't have sex because he couldn't perform. I have always maintained bull&*@#. And it has bothered me. There are emails and conversations after the encounter that indicate he is telling the truth, but if he felt so guilty he couldn't perform, why the hell didn't he just leave? So last night we are talking, I ask the questions re the details, and I ask "why did you stay? If you felt guilty or couldn't perform, why didn't you just leave?" His response is that he didn't want her to feel bad or like it was her fault that he couldn't perform, so he stayed even though he was uncomfortable and humiliated. I won't lie, it stung like hell that there was no mention of me in there, but the reality is, that is how I know I got the straight truth. It wasn't ever about me, it was about him. His poor boundaries, his selfishness, his need for validation.

Given what I know about WH's FOO issues as well as CSA, this demonstration of a total lack of personal boundaries makes a whole lot of sense. It also helped me to put the mind movies to rest. To be clear, I don't believe my husband was victimized during his A by anyone but himself. Yet, I do have a profound sense of sadness for him that he didn't have enough self respect to stop an encounter he wasn't comfortable with because he was afraid of hurting another person's feelings. I feel sorry for the pathetic OW who threw herself (she made it very clear she wanted sex) and did all she could to get WH aroused only to have it fail and him dump her and never look back a week later.

Last night let me close the chapter on the mind movies. I don't need to watch a movie of two highly broken people victimize themselves and allow themselves to be degraded in such a pathetic way.

Anyway, I'm sharing this because I'm finding peace bit by bit and I'm hoping that there are others who might either have insight on continuing on this path or that this might provide hope for others struggling. We don't have to find all of the answers at once and some take a LONG time. Plus, I recognize that my road in this recovery is pretty different from others, which I think is ok. It shows that we can all get there, we just have to find our own way

Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 466 | Registered: Dec 2012
♂ 30434
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think your mind movies was pain and suffering from unfinished business, and your asking questions is an example of leaning into the pain to process it. Also, I commend your husband on giving what seems to be a straight forward answer. All good work in my opinion. Good job. One thing I learned from asking additional question that it sometimes opens the door to new thoughts so I recommend that you don't force yourself to call it done if new questions start nagging you. I think the new stuff that comes along is why they call it a process.

[This message edited by still-living at 11:33 AM, July 14th (Sunday)]

WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 1491 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
♂ 39250
Member # 39250
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

God I wish I could get there. it's been three months now for some reason i am fixating on simple acts. How was the kissing & making out. Did she touch him like she does me. Did she kiss him line she does me? She says he couldnt finish cause He kept smoking dope getting high. For some reason I don't know if I believe that or not. It helps to try to believe it. But she just trying to spare my feelings. My wife is very remorseful and works hard. But whenever I'm not with her my mind just want to race. Sad thing is I let them take over my free time. I feel I tried every trick in the book from reading forgiveness quote to thinking of better things. Sometimes it helps most of the time it doesnt. I'm glad you're able to put yours in peace.

Posts: 71 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Houston
♀ 37165
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just reminds me of what I've read here many times

This is not a sprint, but rather a marathon.

DDay 9/2011
4-6 months of TT'ing
11/2012- Thanks for the HPV!!!
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects"-Dalai Lama

Posts: 267 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get the marathon analogy. I've run three marathons they were much easier than this...,

Posts: 7613 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♀ 37765
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, a marathon. Once that really clicked and I accepted that things would happen SLOWLY, it became easier to be at peace with all of this.

hurtininHouston, give yourself time. It is the worst word to hear, but it does get easier, particularly if your WS is remorseful. When I was three months out I was an angry, confused mess. I am a year out now and just getting to this place; and I still have a LONG way to go.

still-living, you are so right. Sometimes it is so hard to lean into those hard questions, but they do often lead to the most understanding and healing. It is just so hard to open that door sometimes.

Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 466 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 6

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