The last year for me has been about putting various pieces of the A to rest. I feel like I understand what happened, I process it, and then I can let it go. I don't forget, I remain aware, but once I go through this process, I am largely able to let things go.
For the last few weeks I have been struggling with mind movies, which is something I didn't experience much of until now. I am starting to realize that maybe I just wasn't ready to deal with that piece. I never asked specific questions regarding the details of their physical encounters. There were only two, I knew that one was kissing, the other ended up with them naked and in bed. My WH has given me his full story, but I still had a few questions that had been plaguing me. I held off on asking because I didn't know if I wanted to know the answer.
Last night, I finally asked. He has always maintained they didn't have sex because he couldn't perform. I have always maintained bull&*@#. And it has bothered me. There are emails and conversations after the encounter that indicate he is telling the truth, but if he felt so guilty he couldn't perform, why the hell didn't he just leave? So last night we are talking, I ask the questions re the details, and I ask "why did you stay? If you felt guilty or couldn't perform, why didn't you just leave?" His response is that he didn't want her to feel bad or like it was her fault that he couldn't perform, so he stayed even though he was uncomfortable and humiliated. I won't lie, it stung like hell that there was no mention of me in there, but the reality is, that is how I know I got the straight truth. It wasn't ever about me, it was about him. His poor boundaries, his selfishness, his need for validation.
Given what I know about WH's FOO issues as well as CSA, this demonstration of a total lack of personal boundaries makes a whole lot of sense. It also helped me to put the mind movies to rest. To be clear, I don't believe my husband was victimized during his A by anyone but himself. Yet, I do have a profound sense of sadness for him that he didn't have enough self respect to stop an encounter he wasn't comfortable with because he was afraid of hurting another person's feelings. I feel sorry for the pathetic OW who threw herself (she made it very clear she wanted sex) and did all she could to get WH aroused only to have it fail and him dump her and never look back a week later.
Last night let me close the chapter on the mind movies. I don't need to watch a movie of two highly broken people victimize themselves and allow themselves to be degraded in such a pathetic way.
Anyway, I'm sharing this because I'm finding peace bit by bit and I'm hoping that there are others who might either have insight on continuing on this path or that this might provide hope for others struggling. We don't have to find all of the answers at once and some take a LONG time. Plus, I recognize that my road in this recovery is pretty different from others, which I think is ok. It shows that we can all get there, we just have to find our own way