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Frustrated with MC

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spinning73 posted 7/14/2013 09:10 AM

We are 3 months out from Dday and have been in MC weekly for last 2 months. Overall I think things are going well. WH of course wants to concentrate on improving us instead of the uncomfortable ( for him) topic of the A. He has been completely open though, given me details I want, and I guess I'm lucky in that when I discovered texts messages with OW that things had ended about 6 weeks before I found out.
My problem is that MC expressed surprise at our last session that I "still" think about the A daily....
Everything I've read seems to be 2-5 yr recovery time..I would think daily thoughts at 3 months is not unusual.
I told WH that I wanted to find different MC. I just don't feel I can trust her advice if she seems so ignorant on the process. Frustrating by she was one of only LMFT in our area.

jjsr posted 7/14/2013 09:27 AM

If I were you in your next session I would bring that up to the MC and have them explain to you the thought process that they have in making that remark. If after listening to their reasoning and you explaining why you still think of it every day, if you are not satisfied then I would find a different MC

Tripletrouble posted 7/14/2013 09:39 AM

Wow! I think you need a new MC! My WH expressed frustration after only about 4 weeks that we were "still" talking about it. Our MC did not mince words that we were at the tip of the iceberg.
When my brother and SIL were in crisis, they went to 4 different counselors before they found one they both liked, and they were able to save a very damaged marriage. My SIL is even a therapist herself.

EtTuBrute posted 7/14/2013 20:44 PM

My D-Day was back in Oct 2012. His affair is on my mind every minute of every hour of every day. I wake up thinking about it. I go to sleep thinking about it. I shower, exercise at the gym, shop for groceries, clean, and watch my kids with those thoughts pervading my mind. Even when my WH and I have sex, his affair plagues my mind.

So, no, 3 months is not unusual. I don't believe the thoughts ease until trust is earned back. Even then, when you think something fishy is going on, you're probably right. Your radar will be on sensitive alert as long as you stay with your WS.

Jrazz posted 7/14/2013 20:49 PM

You don't necessarily have to be an MFT to be a good MC.

I wholeheartedly agree that you should look into a new one. It can be time consuming/exhausting to shop for a good counselor, but it's worth all the effort when you find someone that clicks.

I think it's great that your WH is being open and sharing details. Try to phrase your desire for a new MC in the context of wanting someone to help foster that growth.

blakesteele posted 7/14/2013 21:18 PM

Interesting post. We have been stuck for a couple of weeks in our MC sessions...MC appears to both of us that she is pressing me to lean into something.

Before our last session I strongly suggested that we deal with the affair directly....that did not happen. I wonder if A. I should have moved on by now and just have not done the work necessary. B. Our counselor is not schooled in infidelity and traumas associated with it. C. I am just crazy.

At one time I thought changing counselors would mean to start back over. I now see that this is false.

But here is MY rub. In times past...where one of us felt stuck....we stuck with this counselor and DID discover some forward movement.

So is it a weakness in me at this point or a weakness in the counselor? How do you figure this out.

Thanks for posting.

standinghere posted 7/15/2013 03:39 AM

MC expressed surprise at our last session that I "still" think about the A daily

Interesting remark from a MC who deals with couples in crisis and infidelity.

I think the only people at that stage, 3 months out, that would not be thinking about it daily would be those who are good at compartmentalizing...which are the kind of people who can have affairs.

My wife's affair was over 12 years ago, and a true confession was over 2 years ago, and I still think about it every day...but then again, I often think of things daily that many people never think about.

blakesteele posted 7/15/2013 08:14 AM

Standinghere...we are of a similar mode. I have a very busy mind too.

God be with us all.

sisoon posted 7/15/2013 11:32 AM

Oh, wow. I still think of the A at least a couple of times a day. It doesn't hurt much any more, but I sure think about it. A few sessions ago I lamented that I still didn't trust my W. Our MC told me it's too early to trust her, and I should be proud of myself for recognizing that.

The way to get past the A is for your H to come clean and then support your while you process and heal your feelings - 2-5 years, assuming no new hurts. If your H doesn't deal with his 'discomfort' (i.e. infidelity), he's not going to be able to maximize R; in fact, unless he recognizes and heals from his 'dsicomfort', he may not be able to R at all. Your MC doesn't seem to recognize that....

T/J - blakesteele, this is the first time I've seen you describe the issue you have with your MC. Up to now, I had assumed you dealt directly with the A in MC sessions, because that seems to be essential to healing.

New MC. End T/J

blakesteele posted 7/15/2013 17:20 PM

There has been a shift in our MC session of late. This has me questioning if the MC is right for us.

I still trigger....still feel vulnerable around my wife....still have bad dreams...so I don't feel I have fully dealt with the trauma that is the affair.

BUT I do believe the affair is dead....at least dead to where my wife and the old AP will not reignite.

So is this as good as it gets with regards to dealing with the affair? Am I ready to stop that journey and fully work on our marriage? I intend to ask our MC this. I have asked her that we refocus back on the affair...but she presses on. Truthfully, I don't know how to process the A further....so it is kind of a lame request by me.

I have requested of my wife that she share more of her personal journey with me. Maybe this is what is needed more then professional counseling?

Sound confused? Yep. It is tiring . Sometimes my wife assumes this cycle is comfortable as she credits me for propagating it. I continue to express that I don't like this anymore then she does...and I feel worn out too.


Ultimately I am seeking new inputs to change our less than satisfying outputs....hoping MC will have more ideas then we can come up with on or own. This me trying to have someone else do my heavy lifting for me?

njgal480 posted 7/15/2013 17:28 PM

It's amazing how many MCs are ignorant about the trauma model as it applies to infidelity.

A good book that describes this is :Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder by Dr. Ortman.

He is a therapist and he saw a pattern in his practice where BS were exhibiting signs of PTSD.
Its helpful for the BS to read because you realize that you are not alone in terms of the extent of your trauma and it's helpful for the WS to read it to see that their spouse is 'normal' in terms of how she is dealing with the infidelity.
And finally-it would be helpful for a therapist to read this book to understand how infidelity impacts the BS.

blakesteele posted 7/15/2013 17:53 PM

That book helped me a lot....I picked it up to re-read it...found I could breeze past much of it...having "owned" what was said and put into play what was suggested...gave me confidence that I have processed some of this trauma.

"One day in the future we will look back on all of this and think....."wow, that really SUCKED!""---hallmark

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 7/15/2013 17:53 PM

Uhhhh, I am going to agree with the other posters here, time for a new MC.

I am 18 months from Dday, and reconcilation is going great. But I still think about the affair multiple times a day. I don't get pissed about it like I used to (most of the time) but it still makes me sad.

The fact that the MC is surprised you still think about the affair just 3 months out really makes me question his/her experience in infidelity.

Dare2Trust posted 7/15/2013 17:56 PM

Wow ! I'd have to find a new MC - if my Counselor voiced being "surprised I still think about the affair daily....after only 3 months from DDAY."
At 3 months after D-DAY: I was still a sobbing, shaking, crying MESS.

(((hugs))))

RidingHealingRd posted 7/15/2013 18:25 PM

I "still" think about the A daily....

A little tid bit to share with your MC during your next visit:

"It really isn't that uncommon to think of it daily...Hell, RidingHealingRd has thought about her WH A 900+ days and counting. That would be every single day since Dday 10/2010".

Lucky MC ~ she obviously has never been cheated on.

You may want to look for a new MC, one who has experience treating those dealing with infidelity issues.

Personally, I would hand her a copy of Not Just Friends for a bit of educational reading.

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 6:26 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

womaninflux posted 7/16/2013 00:42 AM

WH and I are on our Second MC in 4 months (we actually switched at the end of May) bc we were not getting anywhere with the first one. BEST decision...we both feel like we progressed more in the 6-8 weeks we've been with #2 than the 8 weeks we saw #1. Our DD was March 10.

Trust your gut. You might be able to find another therapist through Psychology Today referral website. Worth a shot.

spinning73 posted 7/16/2013 12:50 PM

Thanks for all the input. We have family vacation next week, so had not planned on seeing MC next two weeks anyway.
I'll definitely read the book suggestion. Reading books and this forum have been more useful than the MC so far. ( WH has read several too after I read them and suggest)

Tripletrouble posted 7/16/2013 17:21 PM

Let me throw out another book suggestion - it's short and to the point - How to Help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair. WH read it and said it did more to open his eyes than all of the IC and MC combined. He is a different person since reading it.

spinning73 posted 7/16/2013 17:34 PM

Thanks Tripletrouble. I read that one last week and WH is reading now :)
It made me feel better, I think because it was like "yes, someone does understand how I feel!".

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