I am 9 months out from dday. He is doing mostly everything right.
There are a few things I am needing some help on from you guys here..... (WS welcome to respond, also).
I feel nothing anymore when it comes to my WS. The hate is decreasing, which is helpful. I don't do very well with feeling so much anger all of the time. When out four year old daughter came up to me and asked me if I was going to be angry with daddy today, it was a bit of a wake up call.
We had the typical HB crap, which passed quickly. I have tried to be as polite as I can be to him, but I still talk about my feelings, so it's not all unicorns. His affairs were (supposedly) sex only with women on Craigslist. One girl was a 21 year old, they had six "s and m" sessions where he was the Dom. You have to know my husband to know how strange that is. He says he had his affairs (the first when I was pregnant with our two year old son) to "get control" because he felt his entire life was spiraling out of control (his phrase, not mine). He is a 43 y/o stay at home dad. He had a housekeeper, a sports car, everything. I did everything he wanted. After his affairs he signed a post nupt, guaranteeing no alimony if/when we divorce. Otherwise, I was absolutely going to divorce him. He could always remarry/ court me again if he wanted.....
I previously viewed his affairs and our resulting reconciliation as an opportunity for my renaissance. A chance to relearn who I am. A chance to do some things just for me. I took a job I never would have taken before, teaching in Texas. I go out by myself more.
But here is what's wrong. I just feel this strong dissociation from him. I feel so much apathy. It truly is like that scene from the Princess Bride, where the dread pirate Roberts tells Wesley, "sleep well, I'll most likely kill you in the morning". I feel like I'm saying I will most likely leave him in the morning. Yet here I sit, feeling apathetic about what is happening.
I went on antidepressants for a while, then stopped them because although they have helped me in the past, they aren't helping here. It's not depression. It is an existential crisis.
My marriage means nothing. He threw me under the bus because he was uncomfortable. Drugs will not make that better. He is doing everything he can, everything right.
But I am still hollow. I think this is just my way of withdrawing to not get hurt. Perhaps also withdrawing to try to hurt him (apathy has always bothered him the most, so I am aware maybe that's why I feel this way too). But who cares how it affects him. Because the reality is that I was not worth a moment of thought, a moment of introspection that maybe he shouldn't do this (have the affairs). Hell, if he told me he had loved them, I would almost feel relief. Because right now I feel like my life got bombed because he felt "uncomfortable" so he fucked a 21 y/o skank (among others). And my life wasn't worth a moment of thought. A moment of thought.......
I can sit here and tell myself that it's all about him, etc. but here's the thing.... I'm staying with someone that didn't feel like I was worth a moment of thought. Maybe it's different now. But I was so damned clueless, I never saw my lack of value to him. So here I am. Numb.
Is this a stage? Is this a sign we are doomed? I'm not ready to see an IC yet. And frankly, I'm having a hard time installing some sense of angst over this numbness. I actually think, oh well, maybe I will divorce him in the morning (princess bride style). Let him feel the insecurity I've felt for three years now while he was screwing around.
But I really feel like my heart has been numbed in ice water when it comes to him. I just cannot instill any emotions here. I'm not angry, I think I'm past that. I briefly felt disgust, but that's gone. I'm just....here......empty...... Hoping for some feeling. Like a paraplegic while her lover is working hard to get her to feel something, but it's just numb.
Will this go away? I'm not ready to divorce yet. I love my kids (ages 2 and 4), and we can peacefully coexist. I even love him I think.
I think this is how WS feel while they are having the affairs..... Or at least I think this is how he felt when he had his affairs....... Numb..... I would love to feel something, anything. But it's just not in me. Crickets....
I guess I 180d myself away? I didn't even try to 180. I didn't need to. He came around pretty fast (four months), but I was absolutely ready to amputate his dead weight from dday. Got my post nupt within a couple months (fast for attorneys!)
How do I try to reconnect with him? Should I just let myself go through the numbness, not that I have other options? Thoughts?