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So incredibly confused/sad

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savvy posted 7/14/2013 10:25 AM

I don't even know how to explain how confused I am. My Wh is also very confused I believe. Not making excuses for him. Is it possible that he can still love me and think he has feelings for ow? He says he loves me and isn't ready to give up on our marriage. But is confused about his feelings for her. He is starting to believe is it some kind of mid life crisis ,which I have though all along. He has actually made a negatives list about Ow. I know your all going to say he is cake eating. But he isn't living home so he doesn't have me anymore really. I am confused about my feelings. I love this man. Before this he was a very good man always good to me and our children. Very responsible. I have gone 180 on him now as much as possible because of our business we own. Before I went nc with him I sat and very a matter of fact gave him a list of things about this Ow that I don't think he was seeing. Drinking, pain killer addiction, without getting into too much details there is quite a list of negatives. He sincerely thanked me for opening his eyes to things he wasn't seeing or understanding. Now I have gone 180. He did text me after that and tell me he thinks he is starting to see the light.
My feelings are so confused do I even give myself hope , do I even want to try ( deep down I know I do)
Can I live my life always wondering if he is truthful, so many questions!!!!!
I guess I should give myself a little break. It has only been 3 months since first d-day and not a week from 2nd. I just don't want to feel the pain anymore. And please no 2x4s. Can't handle it I know I should just give up on him. Hard to do when you have been with someone who is truly been a friend also for 30 years

[This message edited by savvy at 10:26 AM, July 14th (Sunday)]

Holly-Isis posted 7/14/2013 10:32 AM

It is cake eating. As long as you're his emotional sounding board, he's getting something from you.

He fired you from the job of his wife. That means no more listening to his feelings. If he wants that back, he knows he ends it with OW first.

He's being cruel talking to you about feelings about her. And guess what...YOU DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN. Ignore his calls. Texts and emails about kids and finances only. That way you have time to decide if you want to answer him, what the appropriate response is...and you have a record of what's been said.

Your best shot is to pull away from him. It will help you get perspective and it will take away the enabling of two women in his life. Right now he's damaged in some way. He's keeping it at bay by using two women to fill his emotional needs. Think of it as a broken leg, whatever is happening inside him. As long as he has two crutches, he gets long fine. Take one away and the balance is off.

I'm sorry he's torturing you. I want you to really take in the fact that you can set boundaries. You don't have to be in a relationship where you share your loved one. You don't have to answer his calls. You don't have to listen to him talk about loving another woman.

Duffy1958 posted 7/14/2013 12:24 PM

He IS confused & is bringing confusion in your life because of it.

Husband-wife-bond-family unit-not confusing.


You have to step away from the triangle. You have made great strides with 180 & seem to have him thinking anyway. He's not there yet. Withdraw even more. There is more you can pull back from him even though you have the business. You know how to look through him.

It's a process & it is painful & I don't think there are side steps. I think we have to go THROUGH this.

I am having a good day. I don't have to do a thing today. I'm listening. Keep talking.

savvy posted 7/14/2013 12:55 PM

Thanks. Yea the 180 feels good but having hard time with it. For 30 (actually 33) years he was the one I would go to. Now he's the problem. Weekends are hard. Friends are busy with their own families. Not many people around, my children are busy. Hating life right now. Staying in bed would have been so easy today, But I am up and going out ( with MIL). She is very supportive and my own mother is unable to help because of Alzheimer's I know this all takes time but it is so painful I just want it over.

Take2 posted 7/14/2013 12:58 PM

Savvy, while I agree with the others that you'd be better insulated emotionally by establishing a firm NC unless and until he is fully come into the light, and none of this half way stuff...

Listen. 30 Years!! You don't just jump out of that, confident, secure, and without doubts! No way! You don't just turn and walk away - not if you are in anyway healthy.

Change requires adjustment. And, Of course you hope (if he was a good man before) how could you not hope?

One of the reasons I think NC is a good idea when the WS is "confused" is to minimize further damage done by the stupid things that come out of their mouths! And, so that they can't use any arguments to boomer-rang back at you...

But there is no rush here to jump to a conclusion. CYA is always good advice - but you don't have to know what you are doing right now, unless he is being shady financially or some such.

You take the time you need. Use as much of that time as you can - to focus on you! ((Savvy))

[This message edited by Take2 at 12:59 PM, July 14th (Sunday)]

Ashland13 posted 7/14/2013 14:15 PM

Because of all the sh STBXH dishes out-or all of the ignoring he does, either way painful-I have been working a very hard 180 the past few weeks. I will admit that it is torture.

I am having actual withdrawal symptoms from it and cannot figure out how to battle them. When I am at my volunteer job or regular job, it's better because my hands are busy even if there's nothing to do, I can make up things. At home is harder because what there is to do makes me too tired and his ghost is still there lurking, though his stuff isn't.

So yes, I just wanted to chime in and say someone else understands. What does help me is a few things and I don't know if it will help you at all-it doesn't help with the massive grief but helps me keep not contacting him.

I remember the pain, "no new hurts", one of the SI theories about the concept. He continues to hurt me freshly and I finally realized one day that it's me being stupid about a man who could give a sh about me, but hid that.

Then I remember the pain when he doesn't reply, which is new and equally as hurtful.

Next, I remember the very little bit of pride I get out of every time I have the whim to contact him and manage to stop myself.

Yes, and I hope this comes out gently, here too, at one point, STBXH in this case tried to say that he loved both myself and OW, but what I think and an IC thinks is that he couldn't make up his mind-it wasn't love, it was what he wanted out of each situation that we women created for him or let him create by being with us. I thought it was love, but it was not...not for a long while and that is part of what I grieve. He said that to me because he wasn't ready to give up life here and it's suspected things weren't solidified with OW yet, but when they were, BANG!, I got the shaft, but it helped me move toward filing.

I wish you strength, Savvy, in keeping that 180 in as much as you can do and yes, even with a business, there are ways. It really speaks to a WH, from what I understand and whether they come back or not I don't know, but it at least helps also deflate some ego.

It was said to me once, or written, that 180 also helps us as BS by taking ourselves out of the equation, so that it's only the WH and OW to make drama for each other. This stayed in my head for a long time and helps me a lot, for I also want no ammunition for OW and he to heckle me with, or him to complain to his L about, which he does if he doesn't like something.

TheRealDeal posted 7/14/2013 19:08 PM

(((Savvy))) I so related to your story and am so sad we are both in the same situation. After multiple D-days, my SO of 18 years also suddenly decided he didn't want to be in our relationship. He lives on his own and is actively seeing OW.
he has told me he doesn't see it going anywhere with her but won't give her up. He says he loves me, wants to grow old with me, but doesn't want to be in a relationship with me "right now". Confusing, hurtful, mind-numbing. The 180 helps but I'll admit I've not done too well with it lately. I have anger,sadness and being ok, all in a span of minutes.

I agree weekends are the hardest; everyone seems to have so many plans. I try to keep busy but there is only so many yoga, excercise classes, gardening, cleaning a person can do in one day. My family is all out of state, scattered around the country. Shopping, movies, etc arent really my "thing". I've even gone as far as invite myself to dinner at my friends house. I would never have dreamed of doing that before but things have certainly changed. And throughout it all my mind wanders. Geez, even in yoga!Tonight I started CRYING, not just a few tears but full-out crying during yoga. but I just kept doing yoga and didn't give a crap what others thought. But I feel like I'm going crazy, others must think I am too.

But I wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. I know the same feelings you are going through. exactly,step-by-step,except we weren't married. But 18 years!

we are all here for you and everyone else who will surely be in the same boat.

I wish I had words of wisdom that would make the madness stop, not just for you, or me, but everyone on this site.

But since I don't we can help each other find that inner-strength and learn and grow so at some point we can move forward...whatever path is chosen.

savvy posted 7/14/2013 20:06 PM

As always thanks everyone!

And TheRealDeal I have done the same at kickboxing class, full out crying, and again today at movies with MIL.

He called me today and I picked it up without thinking. I guess it's just 30 years of habit hard to break. He called " just to say hi". The 180 is proving very difficult. But tomorrow starts another day to start it

I'm so sad I couldn't even laugh at a very funny movie today. I'm afraid that if he ends up with this woman I wii never be happy again!!!

brkn_heartd posted 7/14/2013 20:21 PM

My H and I have the same time in marriage as you do. His A was during our 26th year. It is incredibly difficult not to fall into old habits. If he is still confused at this point he may not get "unconfused". I will say my H also broke NC in less than 1 month and stayed in communication for 6 weeks until caught again. He was "working through" the goodbyes. It was crap then and it still is.

The sadness does get easier, but it takes time. I found no pleasure in life for quite a while. Right now take care of yourself. Stick with the 180 as much as you can. If you slip, realize it and move back to the 180.

Holly-Isis posted 7/14/2013 23:02 PM

He called me today and I picked it up without thinking. I guess it's just 30 years of habit hard to break. He called " just to say hi". The 180 is proving very difficult. But tomorrow starts another day to start it

You don't have to write off a whole day because of a slip.

Maybe next time, when you mistakenly answer and hear his voice, say "Oh I'm sorry, I thought it was a friend. If you need information, text or email, too busy to talk."

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