SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Caligirl357 posted 7/14/2013 10:34 AM

It's been almost 6 months since I discovered the (internet)affair and some days it still feels like it just happened. Been married almost 5 years and found out that he's been doing this since shortly after we got married. We've had our problems but he always refused to get help (either alone or together). His standard answers have always been dead silence or "I'm fine". Yet he can't even tell me where I mistepped in our relationship, throwing out "I don't know" and "I can't remember". Recently he admitted to me that he hadn't wanted to get married but was too afraid to say anything.That hurt & pissed me off more than the affair because we have a 2yo & another on the way. Who lies about that kind of stuff? I mean really, I can't even wrap my head around that kind of craziness!!!

I know it hasn't been that long since D-day but it's got to get better, right? The biggest challenge is having to deal with him because we're still in the same house. Weekends are the worst because I can't get away from him. I keep having remind myself that it's only temporary as he's being moved across country for work. I'm filing for separation until I can get my feet back under me since I've been a stay at home mom. I know there HAS to be light at the end of the tunnel!!

LearningToFly posted 7/14/2013 12:37 PM

Recently he admitted to me that he hadn't wanted to get married but was too afraid to say anything.That hurt & pissed me off more than the affair because we have a 2yo & another on the way. Who lies about that kind of stuff? I mean really, I can't even wrap my head around that kind of craziness!!!

My WH and I have been married for almost 28 years. A few months before the A came to light, he told me that same thing about not wanting to get married and even went into detail about going to my Matron of Honors husband after the rehearsal dinner to express his fears. My friends husband chalked it up to pre-wedding jitters and told him it would be fine. Now he makes it worse with stories of how he worried that my neck was too big and he wondered if it would be a problem later in our marriage. I don't know how much of this comes from rewriting marital history (we have had a rough marriage - I attribute it to his emotional distance). Or if what he is saying was/is really a big deal in his heart. We have spent all these years together and brought 3 children into the world together and now he says this! I ask the same question. Why marry someone and bring children into the world if you don't want to. No one was holding a gun to his head. Right?

I'm really sorry you are going through this right now. I can't even imagine being pregnant and hearing this. It sounds like he really needs to grow up and get IC.

Duffy1958 posted 7/14/2013 14:26 PM

CaliGirl-they DO re-write marital history. My husband & yours sound very similar in dealing with problems. Finally I said, "So what you are telling me is you are not a problem solver?" It hurt his ego, but don't tell me you want to be head of MY household & passively/aggressively NOT solve problems.

How long are you stuck for? Just remember his problem solving skills or lack of have nothing to do with you. You did NOT cause this.

Infidelity is ALL fantasy. On the Internet they can have any fantasy out there. They didn't have to check it out the first time. Something in his psyche gave him permission to open the door & it is very seductive. You cant fight it or reason with it/them. It's fruitless to try. You are being VERY wise to 180 his ass. I'm very sorry you have to.

Hang in there! I'm with ya!

solus sto posted 7/14/2013 15:53 PM

((((Cali))) Yes. It does get better. But it takes time and work.

I think the road is rockier when discovery of infidelity brings with it the realization that most of your marriage has been marred by dishonesty and betrayal.

For those of us who find out that our spouses have been in long-term affairs, or have otherwise been unfaithful for a significant portion of our marriages, I think recovery is complicated. It's terrible to discover a spouse's infidelity. If you also learn that you've been willfully deceived for most of your marriage, the injury is tremendously compounded.

The general timetable for recovery from infidelity often quoted here is 2-5 years. Recovery is incremental; gradually, you will heal.

For me, physical separation was necessary. Once I knew that this was going to happen (I clung to the notion of R for a while), then things improved dramatically; then, the 180 was helpful. But it was very difficult until he moved out; he was a huge trigger.

Once he moved out, I was able to accept, with greater equanimity, that I would never get the answers I wanted. Once he was out of the house, my progress really took off. My biggest trigger was gone.

Since your intention is to separate and divorce, I would suggest implementing a STRONG 180 immediately, if you're not already doing it. Detachment is your goal, and you can't start that soon enough.

This will require that you let go of expectations---that you'll get answers, that you'll see remorse, that you'll get some sort of reasonable explanation for the long-term deceit and betrayal, that the nonsensical marital rewrite will end, that you will get anything helpful from a man willing to lie and cheat to you for the duration of your marriage. Letting go of these things you cannot control will permit you to start healing.

I'm really sorry for your pain.

[This message edited by solus sto at 3:55 PM, July 14th (Sunday)]

newnormal posted 7/17/2013 08:05 AM

Yes! It does get better and you will be happy again.

I'm sorry you have the double whammy of pregnant hormones and infidelity. 6 months is a great time marker to make your mind up. You are ahead of most of us. Time is a 4 letter word, but you will heal in time. For you, I'm guessing that by the new year, or a few months after you recover from childbirth you will feel like you are back on your feet. After another year down the road you be saying, man, I dodged a bullet of a lifetime mistake, im so happy now.

Hang in there girlfriend

omgnome posted 7/22/2013 09:28 AM

Caligirl357 it does get better. For perspective's sake I am currently 15 months after DDay1 and 13 after DDay2. I remember what I was feeling 6 months after, for me life was in a tailspin, I had to act normal in front of everyone, but my mind and feelings were in chaos. A few months later anger really set in. Now things seem to be a bit calmer and quieter. I think a lot of in my case (I can't say it applies to everyone's case) is that I have decided to start making my decisions. I tried to wait until I was a little less emotional to decide what to do.

Once I made that decision (and I thought that through for months) things have gone a bit smoother. They aren't perfect, I'll guarantee that, there are still some very low points. It seems though once I made my decision on how I wanted to progress that I was able to emerge and start to take back who I was. I am emerging from the emotional and physical turmoil and reclaiming who I want to be.

From what I have read here over the last year that seems to be pretty common, it takes a year or two to get over the worst, but after that things aren't so terrible. They aren't perfect, but they get better.

I hope that you start to see that light grow now, little by little.

burnt_toast posted 7/22/2013 19:48 PM

I'm sorry for your pain Caligirl.

It does get better.

Once you are physically seperated, you will be able to focus on yourself and heal gradually.

It's a process where you'll feel a wide range of emotions, but at the end, you'll find yourself glad you knew the truth rather than living in a lie.

It's still intense right now and certainly not easy living in the same house. What you need to do is to take extra care of yourself and take it one day at a time.

One thing that helped me was to visualize myself years from now. As I layed in bed, I'd mentally draw all the corners of a dream house (the house is symbolic, you can make it as pretty and well-located and big as you want), then picture myself healed and happy in that house, then imagine my friends and family filling the house with love. As I healed, I could also add a partner in there. And imagine myself loving again.

Hang on. It. Will. Get. Better.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 7:50 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

Caligirl357 posted 7/24/2013 17:36 PM

Thanks everyone for your advice, it's very appreciated. It's been a rough couple of weeks. Yesterday as I was driving home from my counseling session I realized (and it kinda hit me like a ton of bricks) that "it" (the relationship) was over. As in D-E-A-D. Anyone else get to that point?

Ashland13 posted 7/24/2013 18:59 PM

I'm sorry, Caligirl.

We have many similarities, too.

I am also six months from Dday with re. to OW, and a year from DD that he had cast himself out online ...and who knows where. But, DD and I are a year and a half of being alone, for he abandoned DD and I prior to our knowledge of the various types of cheating.

FWIW, I find massive mood swings and feelings of rejection and disbelief, but I am getting through them quicker sometimes and not having to rely on anyone sometimes for them to go away.

Do you have the mood swings, too?

FWIW, it's taken some serious realizations and allowing myself to think outside of my old box...to place my thoughts on me more than on other people and be more selfish than I am used to with these thoughts.

Like others on your thread suggest, I am told that it gets better, yes, but takes a long, long time and sometimes when we are still in the situation (like I am still in "our" house with our daughter) it can take longer.

I'm sorry that you have to exist under the same roof as your Wh and hope it won't be for too long. I remember it being very painful while nearly ExH was still here.

I wish you well and I wish you peace from the grief and difficulties you face.

Rae123 posted 7/24/2013 19:22 PM

You begin to feel everything is surreal. Like you are living outside of yourself. You have to learn to accept the situation and deal with it. I had to deal with this after 22 years of marriage. I said to my sister I feel like my reality and existence is different. She said get use to it, because it is. Three years later I am a different person...stronger. He is no longer in my life. I am a better person.

betternow76 posted 7/25/2013 10:28 AM

I apologize for the long response......

It does get better. You and you only can decide if you can get past this. My H had an internet affair and it was caught before they had the chance to meet up. They were calling and texting constantly and I believe it was heading in that direction.

My D-Day was in September of 2008 and I found out I was pregnant in December 2008. I know how it feels to be pregnant and uncertain as to what your future holds.

I got lucky and my H cut all ties. He changed our phone numbers and got rid of all email accounts that she knew of. The extent of everything slowly came out which left me fearful of what would come out of the wood work and hurt me later.

I had a horrible time with this and feel that now 5 years later that I have a stronger, better marriage but it was a looooong healing process. It took him admitting it was an affair even though there was no sex involved. It took us finding a great marriage counselor.

As I said its been 5 years but there are times I hear a song that takes me right back to that time. You will have your good days and your bad days. Do not hide your bad days. You have every right to express whatever emotion you feel.

Please do not take this as advice to stay but you take the time to sort through your feelings and figure out what is best for you.

Best of luck!

1Faith posted 7/25/2013 11:03 AM

Caligirl

It does get better. It does. You will find your equilibrium again.

Your realization after coming from therapy is actually a good sign.

If your husband isn't willing to go to IC and/or MC then you have your answer. He isn't willing to do the hard part in making your relationship stronger.

Good luck moving forward. Sounds as if you have discovered your path.

We are all here rooting for you.

Keep moving.

You have a focus that you have been searching for.

TxsT posted 7/25/2013 13:15 PM

Rae123..... at 10 months past Dday I still have days where the mood swings take over and laying on the couch is the only way to get through the day. I too feel the surreal ness of my world but I am not quite comfortable in my new skin. Having been such an accomplished person before the A, I find myself completely stupefied at not even being able to deal with the simplest of things at times. I get overwhelmed easily and it can be hard for me to focus, especially if presented with more then one thing at a time. Friends have noticed the huge change in my personality but only 2 know the real reason behind it. At least the feeling of having to wear a mask or show that stiff upper lip to hide my pain is slowly subsiding. I am not afraid to tell people that my husband and I are working through a very hard period of adjustment in our lives and it has been nice to be the recipient of comments such as "I wish my husband and I had such an open style of communication like you have with yours"or "you two look so happy together". Slowly things are getting better but boy oh boy I sure do wish time would pass faster! Before the A, time flew out the window faster then I could keep up. Now it seems like we are wearing cement boots.It has been a year of nasty firsts and soon I will be staring down our 25th wedding anniversary one day before our 1 year post Dday anniversary, which also happens to be 9/11. Not sure how I will make it through either day.