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Emotions during separation/divorce, what to expect?

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Caligirl357 posted 7/14/2013 10:41 AM

I'm meeting with a lawyer to start the ball rolling on a legal separation and just wanted to know what others have experienced emotionally during the process. I'm swinging between numbness & feeling like it all just happened. Hugs to those going through this kind of thing.

tesla posted 7/14/2013 11:37 AM

You name it, you are going to feel it. We don't call it a roller coaster for nothing.

For me, it was a lot of rage and anger. A lot. I channeled it to get the shit done that I needed to get done. That way when I swung down to sadness and grief and despair, I at least knew I wasn't paralyzed by them.

Everyone is different going through this process. Your path to healing won't be like anyone else's. But you will find a lot of support, love, and hugs here.

A book that helped me understand what I was going through was "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing."

I'm sorry that you find yourself here.

(((Caligirl)))

Dreamboat posted 7/14/2013 14:26 PM

I need to save this and read it on my bad days.
Thanks

bookworm10 posted 7/14/2013 14:43 PM

I struggled with guilt, and like tesla said rage and anger. At first I tried to put on the "I'm fine" face, but it became increasingly clear that I needed to get real with my feelings and FEEL them. Some days were numb days, and some days I felt relief with the possibility that I could get on with my life.
I have been divorced for a year and a half and please believe me when I say that you will be happy again!!!
Divorce/Separation is hell, but nothing lasts forever, emotions are temporary and fleeting. Mindful awareness meditation really saved me from some dark days.
Take care of yourself, allow yourself to feel. Tesla's response was spot on.
Hugs to you <3

Ms_Strong posted 7/15/2013 02:22 AM

Ups and downs for sure, and a lot of emotions. For me, once I accepted it was going to happen, there was fear of the unknown (how will I look after myself and the bills? How will the kids handle it? Will anyone date me ever? Where do I live? etc etc etc), feeling like it was happening really fast, sadness, anger, frustration, felt everything was upside-down.
Also felt a lot of good things as I found out how strong I am, and now I feel a sense of achievement of getting my life back. At the divorce hearing I felt so relieved that it was all over, my XH didn't handle it so well, ironically he was an emotional wreck on the day.
Just take one day at a time. It's a cliche but it works!

CallMeRed1 posted 7/15/2013 04:08 AM

It's the longest most difficult rollercoaster you will ever ride, but try, if you can, to take a while every day to focus on you. It is amazing how much better you will feel if you take some time for yourself and exercise, read, or whatever makes you happy.

Keep telling yourself you will get through it and in time it does get easier.

Thinking of you.

whatdoto posted 7/15/2013 07:00 AM

Sadness for DS and anger towards WH. I truly believe our M issues could have been fixed pre A. But STXWH is conflict avoidant so that wasn't going to happen.

My TO hearing is in a few hours. I know I will cry. It didn't have to be this way.

I feel empowered, sad, scared, angry, lonely all in 1 day. It's definitely the roller coaster. I hate it. But, I know in time, I'm going to be just fine and so will DS. I've been a single parent to my oldest, so I've got that T shirt.

WE will be fine. Hang in there. Believe in yourself. Focus on moving forward.

Hugs

fallingquickly posted 7/15/2013 16:26 PM

It took me a long time to accept that divorce was the only real option for me. I held out hope that my WH would understand what I needed and want to do it, not just say he would do it.

Once I finally got there all I really feel is sadness over what has been thrown away and what I feel should have been. I've been through some times where I have felt very lethargic. But overall, it's mostly sadness that what I thought would be a great life together will be on my own or with someone else.

Rainbows posted 7/15/2013 18:21 PM

I'm early in my D (file 6/7/13), but everyone has explained this process so well. The day I met L, she told me to tie a knot on the end of the rope and hold on tight. I was going to be emotionally blown all over the place.

The day I filed, I was completely numb. Since then I have experienced the entire range of emotions, sometimes all on the same day.

One thing that really affected my emotions was reading emails from STBX and L. Another member here (thank you KK!) suggested I filter emails, which made a world of difference. Now, I deal with the D and STBX when I want to and am ready.

Each day is different. Hang in there, come here and get support and know you're not alone.

Sending you hugs and light.

Abbondad posted 7/15/2013 18:29 PM

It took me a long time to accept that divorce was the only real option for me. I held out hope that my WH would understand what I needed and want to do it, not just say he would do it.
Once I finally got there all I really feel is sadness over what has been thrown away and what I feel should have been. I've been through some times where I have felt very lethargic. But overall, it's mostly sadness that what I thought would be a great life together will be on my own or with someone else.

Same here. In between the still-continuing bouts of anguish and despair is just that profound sadness.

For example, I am feeling much better after a difficult weekend without my little ones. Now they are back, and running around and through the house with their friends.

Meanwhile my STBXWW is sitting alone in her apartment across town (I always know when she is alone, as she throws pointless texts at me).

And I think, with all this life around me that we used to share, what did she lack for? Nothing. My god, why would anyone through away the greatest gift in life--a family. A vibrant, loving together family.

What a waste.

AussieMum posted 7/15/2013 20:48 PM

I felt stunned and shocked initially, then panicky followed by terrible sadness and self doubt. Eventually anger - no, FURY - crept in and unfortunately bitterness and cynicism but I am working on that.

Most days I still waver between sadness and anger but determination is a big one now. Determined to make a better life for me and my kids, and determined to get every last cent that I'm entitled to out of him.

It certainly is a horrible rollercoaster ride. Good luck to you Caligirl.

puzzlepieces posted 7/18/2013 14:58 PM

Agree with what everyone has sad - it's such a roller coaster. I'm still right in the middle (still discovering new things 7 months out) and I find I can go from feeling normal to crying at the drop of a hat.

One thing that has helped me - and I hope it doesn't sounds too polyannish - is gratitude. I found the more I lost, the more I became grateful and accepting for all that I do have (my children, health, job etc.). Now, every day I say out loud what I'm grateful for. It makes me happy and helps me move through the grief.

FieldsOfLavender posted 7/18/2013 15:16 PM

For those who felt rage, who did you feel rage toward? I felt rage toward OW whore.

Phoenix1 posted 7/18/2013 15:46 PM

For those who felt rage, who did you feel rage toward? I felt rage toward OW whore.

My rage has been directed at one person - POS - for what he has done to the M, family unit, and kids, and the utter selfishness he continues to exhibit.

I have felt nothing but contempt for the OW. They were nothing but the latest notch on his bed post, and if it hadn't been one of them it would have been someone else. My contempt is for their willingness to have affairs with a married man.

Caligirl357 posted 7/24/2013 17:57 PM

And I think, with all this life around me that we used to share, what did she lack for? Nothing. My god, why would anyone through away the greatest gift in life--a family. A vibrant, loving together family.

What a waste.

Couldn't have said that better. I'm constantly bouncing from sadness, hurt and anger. A LOT of anger, not just at him but the OW & all the other trolls he was "auditioning". My mantra is "I'll deal with tomorrow once I've made it through today"- it's really helped with making me slow down & take one day at a time. That and what my clinical psychologist said at the last sesh "You're totally normal, having a totally normal reaction to a horrible situation" (a girl's gotta keep her sense of humor through this, right)

Hugs all around!!

bigpicture3236 posted 7/24/2013 18:19 PM

Luckily for me, XH lost his mind at the end, so there was no guilt on my part for dismantling the family. It was long in coming, 5 years, but had to be done. Still, that didn't stop the hurt that I had felt all along in being abandoned by the man who promised to 'honor' till death do us part.
XH also made the process pretty easy as he was an asshole thru the whole thing, arguing everything my atty wanted me to do. It made it pretty easy to eventually just cut the cord as this new persona was a total turn off to me.
I will say though, that once you get to the finish line, you will be breathing a sigh of relief and be thankful that you no longer walk on egg shells waiting for the other shoe to drop. There really is a rainbow out there for all of us.
Good luck!

laney57 posted 7/24/2013 19:51 PM

Calie,
Not sure of the situation... but TRY to live in different homes. In-House is the WORST, and will prolong any healing. I know it can't always be done, but do your best.
Hang in there!

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