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Confrontation tomorrow

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quoththeraven1 posted 7/14/2013 15:12 PM

On July 5 I recovered a digital recording made the day before in the kitchen. I was gone for the week at a youth camp, and figured that's where a phone conversation would take place. That way, on the odd chance I would swing by, she would see me and terminate the conversation. Yep, they're at it again. Lots of giggling from the woman who speaks to me in dry tones. Lots of innuendo from the woman "too tired" for sex. Interesting that she's not too tired to get up at 6:30 to take Little Prince Charming's phone call.
I was a fool. I thought I could save his wife the hurt of knowing. I can't. I gave him a week, which ran out Saturday. Tomorrow, I go there and tell his wife everything, including my own sin of keeping it from her for the last 5 and a half years.
I confided in two good friends who do not want me to go for fear that I'll end up in jail. It has to be done, and it has to be done this way, and what will be will be. For those of you who chided me for not telling, you were right.

Lost&Hurt posted 7/14/2013 15:16 PM

My FWH tried to bully me into not telling MOW's husband....and I did not for a long, long time.

Result? The A never stopped.

Even when I did tell him, he did not believe me....

Only several more years and other evidence proved me right....

After that, she lost everything, but I'm still fighting to save my marriage 6 years down the road.

My only regret?

I didn't kick him to the curb immediately.

Think about how long you want to keep fighting this.

Is she REALLY worth it?

Good luck....

quoththeraven1 posted 7/14/2013 15:18 PM

Yep

quoththeraven1 posted 7/14/2013 15:20 PM

It's likely that I lose everything else in my life tomorrow. Doesn't matter, but it doesn't make me happy

Take2 posted 7/14/2013 15:22 PM

Well I'm going to pray that when you tell her - it is just you and her there. That there is no confrontation - but just information. That you will be kind, compassionate, and as gentle as possible with this newbie.

Also praying for your strength and wisdom - it's going to suck - but it is the right thing to do for the other BS.

((Qtr1))

quoththeraven1 posted 7/14/2013 15:23 PM

btw, Lost, I meant yep you are right, not yep she's worth more unconditional protection from consequences.

quoththeraven1 posted 7/14/2013 15:27 PM

Take, you sound like my two friends, and it is nice of you to remind me of what terrible news I carry to an innocent woman. I have no method of delivering such news in any way that will not cause devastation. And I deserve anything she thinks of me for keeping it from her, no matter what my rationale was. But truthfully, I hope he is there.

still2suspicious posted 7/14/2013 16:46 PM

Qtr

I will be sending you strength to do what, unfortunately, needs to be done.

Although it will, probably, devastate her, it may also answer many questions she has had, confirm her suspicions, shed light on his blame-shifting. We all remember how it was before DDay.

You may also be giving her her life back!

Good luck. You are doing the right thing.

Nature_Girl posted 7/14/2013 17:48 PM

Bring copies of your evidence. I hope you're gentle.

brkn_heartd posted 7/14/2013 20:51 PM

I hope it goes well for both of you.

Crushed1 posted 7/15/2013 00:26 AM

(((Raven))) Sending you courage, peace, and strength for tomorrow. It's good that you got that recording so you cannot be deceived on that end anymore. Best of luck my friend.

deeplysad posted 7/15/2013 10:32 AM

Hoping that everything goes well for you today.

OldCow18 posted 7/15/2013 10:39 AM

Thinking of you today, please update when you can.

quoththeraven1 posted 7/15/2013 21:34 PM

SHOOT!
Well, I went. Nobody home but Little Prince Charming-wife is visiting relatives in another state until Saturday night. He let me in (surprise) and stood there holding a Yorkie, ostensibly to prevent its barking, but it looked for all the world as though he was using it as a shield. He says he is not telling her, so I told him again that I was. Problem: he's headed overseas Monday for a month. I didn't want to have this conversation with her under those circumstances, but you know what? I deliberately chose a method that was toughest on me, and it didn't work out. Fine. He's had ample opportunity to tell her, and refuses. I'll spill the beans while he's out of town, and let him face the fallout when he gets back. If he didn't want that, he could have come clean.
I laughed at him, told him that I had dreamed of getting him alone, but ironically felt no need to slap him. He looked as though he might either have a stroke or pee himself for the entire 6 or 7 minutes of the exchange. I walked out abruptly, knowing that he was watching me through the blinds. I thought about just popping the trunk and rummaging around for a moment just to mess with him, but decided to pass on that petty torment. So anyway, my good friends, it made my job easier. I'll just tell her everything when she gets back. I don't feel that such news ought to be given in a FB message. Thanks to all for your support.

ButterflyGirl posted 7/15/2013 21:47 PM

I agree to bring evidence. Especially since you've warned him, and now he knows you're serious, he's likely been filling her head with a bunch of lies. I remember about a month before D-day my STBX telling me that some crazy husband of a co-worker (MOW) was threatening him and threatening to talk to me and show me pictures of his car outside her house. I said, "And why would he have a picture of that? Have you been to her house?" WH: "Well maybe I picked her up before work once or twice.."

That was another HUGE red flag I missed. But he was trying to get me to think this guy is crazy and I should stay away from him and that he would only be misunderstood and tell me lies, etc..

Just sayin, no doubt he is doing this to his wife, so she may not be receptive to you at first.. I would DEFINITELY bring evidence. Maybe even make copies so that you can leave them with her if she doesn't want to talk to you right away. You just don't want him being able to bend the truth and sneak his way out of this.. Perhaps a Facebook message to start would be appropriate, letting her know the situation and give her some proof and let her know that you have more proof and would like to share it with her.. Something along those lines so that you don't scare her by just showing up at her house..

Good luck.. I'm glad you are doing the right thing. Hugs..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 9:49 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

quoththeraven1 posted 7/15/2013 21:54 PM

I don't think those concerns will be an issue, since they both are or were close friends, and she knows me quite well. I also think that she suspected something herself at one point.

quoththeraven1 posted 7/15/2013 22:01 PM

It appears that he believes that I will calm down if he can just continue the delaying tactics until he's home in a month. He knows me pretty well, and probably knows that I am reluctant to go behind his back in telling her. He also may be banking on the fact that this revelation will destroy my life. He's guessing wrong though.

ButterflyGirl posted 7/15/2013 22:01 PM

Well that's good that she knows you, but I'm sure that will make her more upset that you have kept this secret for so long, especially if you were at one point "close friends."

Why did you not tell her? Especially when you thought she suspected something? I don't know that you have to answer that question to me, but I'm sure she will want to know why..

I definitely agree that you've kept this secret for far too long. More hugs and lots of good luck to you. I'm sure this won't be easy for either of you, but it should be done..

quoththeraven1 posted 7/15/2013 22:22 PM

Butterfly Girl: The short answer is that I am a fool. I thought that if I could prevent her feeling the way I felt upon discovery, that I ought to do that. I didn't realize that I was encouraging the continuance of the affair. Once I realized, I still felt that I was ultimately to blame. Still do, in a sense. Having this out in the open is going to be very damaging in a number of ways. It was only at this last revelation that I realized I had no choice. Yes, she has every reason to be angry with me for withholding the information

ButterflyGirl posted 7/15/2013 23:24 PM

It's just a sad situation all around.. I'm so sorry for what they have done to you and her.. I think this will be a very large betrayal for her, not just by her husband, but by supposed friends too.. I think the longer a secret is kept, the more damage it does when it comes to light, but I do think it's better that she find out from you than for her to find out later that you knew.. I hope she can be understanding of the struggle you've gone through and that you are trying to do the right thing now..

Perhaps I'm extra affected by this post as my STBX and I were very good friends with a couple and their daughter, and my STBX admitted that the husband knew about the affair while it was happening (for about a year and a half). It stung very badly as he was supposedly my friend, and of course I am not friends with them anymore.. But then again, he never really apologized for it, and my STBX is lucky to have one mutual friend left as all the others have shunned him..

Once I realized, I still felt that I was ultimately to blame. Still do, in a sense.

You are in NO WAY to blame for the affair or its continuance, but I do think you had a responsibility to tell the BW. It sort of made you an accomplice in her eyes, if you know what I mean.. But you are doing the right thing now, and that's the important thing..

Having this out in the open is going to be very damaging in a number of ways.

I think most people change when staying the same is worse than their fears of the unknown. Staying the same is unacceptable in this situation with them continuing to take it underground and having you continue to cover the tracks. I think most of the damage has been done already, and you are on the correct path for healing now..

More hugs..

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