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When did you know that you didn't love them anymore?

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frigidfire86 posted 7/14/2013 15:42 PM

How did you know that the love for your spouse was gone? Was it gradual? Did you just suddenly know one day? What was your day to day life like? What was having sex with him/her like (if applicable)?

My H and I are still together, not really in R, just limbo. I don't hate him. I don't particularly like him much either. We rarely argue. We don't have sex often, and when we do, initially I'm into it, but after a couple minutes I just want it to end. Sometimes I look at him and think our future together could be great, but I think of leaving a lot too (can't until degree is finished).

My birthday is on Friday and he told me that he is scheduled for 24 Staff Duty (army) that day so I won't see him at all. It's just one more thing to add to a huge list of disappointments. I think it may have been my final straw, even though it wasn't his fault and he had no say in scheduling (and no he can't switch). I feel a little bad for feeling like I do over something he can't control, but it's how I feel.

Ugh. I'm rambling. Sorry if I lost you in that mess of a post.

ETA: I asked him yesterday if he was actually ever going to go to MC with me (we only went twice two years ago and I have asked repeatedly since then). He said, "I don't know." That's probably my answer as to whether or not our M will really make it, huh?

[This message edited by frigidfire86 at 4:07 PM, July 14th (Sunday)]

tesla posted 7/14/2013 16:07 PM

I'm sorry, frigidfire. It sounds like you already know the answer to your question.

I didn't R with ex-shat. He left within 24 hours of D-day. I had feelings for him for a very long time. My head knew it was over, but it took awhile for my heart to get it.

I knew I didn't love him anymore when I had a dream where he was trying to come back. We were dressed in our finest and he had his arm around my waist, shuffling me up to this banking counter. We were reopening a bank account and were each brining back what we had held separately while we were apart. It was in poker chips. Ex-shat gave the banker a few hundred in chips. I opened my purse and had thousands and thousands in chips. I woke and knew that my heart finally got it.

frigidfire86 posted 7/14/2013 16:18 PM

It's terrifying. Ending my M is not something I really want to do, but I can't fix it alone and he won't help me. I'm not good at giving up. I'm too damn stubborn. I'm not really worried about being a single mom. With all the deployments/schools/training he's been gone for, it'll pretty much be like normal life for me. Being alone scares me. I had a shitty long term relationship until I was 19, joined the army shortly after it ended, then met my H in training. I've never really been alone as an adult. But it's a little exciting to think about too...having a life of my own.

You know, infidelity really sucks ass.

[This message edited by frigidfire86 at 4:20 PM, July 14th (Sunday)]

tesla posted 7/14/2013 16:44 PM

There's a fear vs. reality thread that phmh started some time ago...I'm going to find it and bump it for you.


frigidfire86 posted 7/14/2013 18:02 PM

Thanks for the bump tesla.

I'm feeling really down tonight and haven't been able to get in touch with my mom. So I made the mistake of calling my mother in law and talked to her. It wasn't all bad, but she said (repeatedly) that it's just normal stuff, don't worry about it, he's just a guy and doesn't show love like we do, and even her H wouldn't go to MC. I didn't sit a bash her son because, God knows, she thinks he's infallible. I asked her if she has ever had major issues that gave her doubt about her M. Nope. None in 33 years. Lucky her. I ended up feeling worse. I just need someone to talk to and no one will answer their damn phone! Bad day today.

Ashland13 posted 7/14/2013 19:24 PM

HI Frigidfire,

To be honest, I don't know if my feelings will ever totally die. They were just too strong and too much a part of me-they were part of who I was as a person.

They are locked in my heart now and I have to find ways to stifle them or they emotionally wreck me, even with all the hurt the man caused. It was consummate love for me and I won't ever forget the person who earned that. Nor will I forget the person he became.

The other, first person, died. And so that's how I sort them out, almost like two different people.

I'm sorry for the realizations that you're experiencing. A priest gave me some advice last year about infidelity and stayed with me all this time. This is my childhood priest and he actually married STBXH and I and is elderly now.

Anyway, he is from Europe and has different ways of thinking, but the gyst of what he said is that cheating ruins many elements of a marriage and a marriage isn't just one element. The biggest element that cheaging ruins, in his mind, is the innocence of love and trust between the two people in the marriage. That in and of itself may never return and he said where he worked and lived throughout the world, he found it was often the element that could not be put back together again, even if some semblence of trust could.

No longer is the same innocent belief in a spouse who cheated the same, in his mind.

PhantomLimb posted 7/14/2013 21:19 PM

It happens to me all the time in waves. Each time it does it's like I've lost a little more... and then a little more..

The first wave was about three days after DDay #1. He was contradicting himself, being hostile, defensive, wimpy, cruel. Not the strong, ethical man that I loved and respected for a decade. I remember thinking to myself, if I met this dude now, I wouldn't give him the time of day.

Wave #2 was when he posted a new photo of himself on FB smiling with his niece (he was out of town at the time). I literally felt nauseous when I saw it. Something about his face wasn't familiar anymore. I didn't feel that rush of love when I looked at him. I felt almost afraid of him. I realized that if I saw him, I wouldn't want him to even touch me. My body was already rejecting him.

Wave 3 happened last week. I heard from a girlfriend that he was saying our relationship hadn't been great for awhile. Funny, I thought we were happy. He never let on anything was wrong. I realized that I had spent who knows how long with someone who was hiding things from me, both big and small. Preferred having to confront me about his affair rather than talk to me about whatever problems he saw in the relationship months ago. I realized that he had permanently ruined a part of me that was really precious: that innocent and naive sense that you can trust the person you love. I'll never love someone that blindly again, thanks to him. Realizing he took that away from me made me love him even less.

But I agree with Ashland that I'm not sure love will ever go away entirely. With time I think it will just take on a different form. For example, I saw on his twitter feed today that he has been obsessively tweeting all week about how many people had been left on the commuter platforms on his way to work. He's always been a little OCD and I found it to be a lovable quirk. I still do, but now I also feel a slight tinge of sad amusement when I see it. More of a "there he goes again, what a weirdo" than a "omg, it is so cute that he cares so much about something so stupid."

thenon-goddess posted 7/14/2013 21:56 PM

I realized it in the little things -

-no interest in sex with him anymore, in fact it made me feel sick

-I was not able to look him in the eyes. It feels weird to have eye contact w/ him now

-I no longer felt comfort from his hugs...or words

-I made a list of his worst/ugliest qualities, who I'd be staying with if I stayed, and I realized - I didn't even like him, how could I love him?

-him moving out didn't make me cry

-I enjoy not having him here

And probably one of the biggest ones...

-I don't miss him anymore

SBB posted 7/14/2013 22:12 PM

It started towards the end of False R when I realised he never really loved me because he was incapable of it.

Then when he started re-negging on the settlement agreement we had come up with during False R (I had insisted on separating so we still came up with a settlement even though R was on the table). He had promised to not touch my 18 year redundancy which I received a month into False R, it was as big as our joint assets. He lied - I would end up with my redundancy and he would end up with all of our joint assets.

I stopped having ANY love for him 20 weeks after S when this 40 y/o loser told me he was ready to introduce his 24 y/o office gopher (prior OW unbeknownst to me - I trusted her taste more than I trusted his fidelity) to my then 2 and almost 5 year olds as his GF.

TBH I had stopped loving him fully when I was pregnant with my first child and he let me badly. He basically disappeared for my whole pregnancy and for my beautiful daughters first year. He put his work, friends, social life and no doubt OWs during that time first above me and our family.

Even if he had not have cheated his emotional absence killed our M. I honestly believe he used me to have children. A 9.5 year-long fraud.

PhantomLimb posted 7/14/2013 22:21 PM

thenon-goddess: It's funny how our bodies tell us, isn't it?

Another moment for me, similar to you, was when he said off-handedly that "at least I think you and I will be able to be friends after this" and something in my stomach churned.

Save for the first few months after we first met when he was trying to charm me into dating him, I never thought he made a particularly good friend. He doesn't keep in touch. He doesn't like to talk about feelings. He says inappropriate stuff that can hurt people's feelings. At social functions, he hardly ever talked.

Okay, so if I don't want to be his friend...

It was a weird realization. I want to be your wife... but if I'm not your wife, I wouldn't even consider being your friend, A or not. I realized the only reason I would keep him around would be to talk about work (we're in the same field and he's very well-respected and accomplished). I figure it might take me longer, but I can do the work myself, thanks.

hurtinTX posted 7/15/2013 00:46 AM

I knew when I tried to imagine what if he came back, apologized, did everything perfect.. and it wasn't enough. I knew even if he did all the right things I couldnt get past it. He continually pushed me away, was so angry at me that i just reached my limit. People treat you the way you allow them to and I got to the point where he couldn't hurt me anymore. I was done 100%. There was no way I was going backwards. I realized he wasn't good enough for me.

I too also preferred it when he wasn't around. I just stopped caring about anything he did. Once I found happiness on my own, doing my own thing and time had passed by, I started to date. My XH couldnt compete with guys that had never hurt me. And I found one that got me excited about life again. The more I fell for him, the more of a distant memory my X became.

CallMeRed1 posted 7/15/2013 04:15 AM

After D-Day (almost a year ago now) I went through shock, rage, fear, panic, worry, all the rest of it. My narc ex had made me feel that I would fail if I was on my own.

Turned out he was wrong but I did spend a lot of time thinking about whether to fight for our relationship or end it. We have 3 children so my main focus was how it would effect them.

But after D-day the physical stuff was torture for me. It wasn't brilliant before it, but I knew it was definitely over the day I told him I never wanted to have sex with him again.

A tiny part of me still cares about him though, and I suspect I always will. But I think that is just because he is the father of my children and I know he will always be around the edge of my life because of that. And I am determined that the children will see two happy adults in this situation.

But the thought of anything physical happening with him again... well and that says it all really.

whatdoto posted 7/15/2013 06:54 AM

Shortly after Dday. But, I was in denial for almost 3 years thinking if I just tried harder to overlook who he is, I would and could stay. I was wrong. After finally finding an awesome IC, I realized the A was a dealbreaker and in fact, I no longer loved him. Heck, I didn't want sex, I hate talking to him, HE is my biggest trigger, he is a jerk, he is and was unable to nurture the M and even our DS. But, most of all, just him being him. I really don't like him as a person. WHen I listed the things I didn't like about him and the things I did like about him, the likes list was empty. Also, DS started observing his behavior and calling WH out on it. WH would only blameshift onto me.

Anyway, hugs to you all. Our TO hearing is in a few hours. I'll technically be single. I'm going to the jewelry store afterwards and have the wedding band cut off. I might even sell it to them.

Hope everyones Monday is awesome!

realitybites posted 7/15/2013 07:14 AM

I've never really been alone as an adult. But it's a little exciting to think about too...having a life of my own.

I think this says quite alot. Follow this thought.

dindy posted 7/15/2013 10:34 AM

This is a good question and one I hadn't really thought of before.

I guess now that I no longer want him emotionally or physically is a sign that I am no longer in love with him. After what he has done I no longer want to be his friend and I always avoid eye contact with him. How could I ever be his friend? None of my friends would ever treat me the way he has. He is no longer the person I fell in love with, in fact he is a complete stranger to me.

Fortunately, we co-parent amicably but that is as far as things will ever go between us. Sometimes it makes me sad that this loser is the father of my children and one day they will want to know why we split up. How easier it would have been all round to split up for a different reason, and certainly easier for my children.

One thing I have realised is that I really love myself. And I guess that this is another reason why I could never love someone like that again.

ninebark posted 7/15/2013 12:34 PM


We tried to R for two years and he really did try in as much as he no longer was having an affair.

I think I stayed because I was afraid to change my life. I was to stubborn to move one, to let go. But then I started doing more and more things for myself to the point that I realized I didn't miss him when I was on my own.I liked who I was away from him and I was tired of feeling not good enough.

We got into a long talk one day and he said he wanted to try and make me happy, and I just blurted out that I didn't want him to. I knew then that it was over, I told him that I didn't really want to hate him and if we stayed married I would.

So that was it, I really didn't feel anyting for him anymore, and even now when I see him with his girlfriend, it is indifference. I am not angry anymore, but I don't love him either.

npain posted 7/15/2013 13:09 PM

On DDay, the first emotion that hit was anger, because I had been gaslighted and lied to for so long. I still had feelings for him then. By the time I kicked him out 5 months later, I didn't even miss him. My family called me to ask how I slept. My reply was "fine". It was the best I slept in months. Now I am almost 2 years out and the thought of getting back with him makes me want to hurl. I found out so much about the extent he went through to purposely hurt me, thinking I would not find out. I had to reprogram myself. How could I love someone who I didn't even like and was actually dangerous to me? I still feel anger, but love, nope he killed that...

gypsybird87 posted 7/15/2013 13:39 PM

I'm still working on this. Like another poster said, it's almost like he was two people. The one who loved me, treated me well, and made me happier than I've ever been. And the OTHER guy, the one who cheated and lied, treated me like crap and made me hurt worse than I ever thought possible. It's like the first man died, and his body was taken over by the other guy.... and it just took me awhile to realize it.

Part of me still misses, and yes, I guess "loves" the man I thought I married. But that man is gone. I feel absoutely no love for the dirtbag who remains. The fact that he felt NO remorse whatsoever, and continues to do heartless, shitty things, not to me but to his family... reinforces this and makes it actually fairly easy to feel nothing but contempt for him. When I see pictures, I feel nothing anymore. It's like looking at stranger.

One of my biggest a-ha moments wasn't about my feelings, but his. It was the day after d-day.... We were going through the kitchen stuff, sorting who was taking what etc, and I lost it, for about the 10th time. But this time I gave in. I clung to him, crying, pleading for this to please please please NOT be happening. That I loved him and didn't want to lose him like this.

He said nothing. He didn't embrace me. All he did was give my shoulder this awkward little pat. It's like my heart froze in that moment. I realized right then that he no longer felt ANY love for me, and there was no longer anything left between us to save. It was a devastating moment, but necessary I suppose.

Now, he just disgusts me not only as a previous partner but as a man and simply as a human being. He is not someone I would want as a friend, a neighbor, a coworker, nothing. And as far as reconciling.... He's too much of a coward to ever try to get me back, but I wouldn't take him back if he were the last man on the planet. Period.

lost4now posted 7/15/2013 14:12 PM

It took me an awefully long time to realize that my love for my WH was gone. I suffered for so long. I clung to a dream that he killed from the start of his A. My dream of our perfect family and happiness and good times for our children were changed by him from the beginning of his A with the MOW.

I knew I didn't love him anymore when I looked at him and felt angry, annoyed, sick, depressed, unhappy, unloved. I couldn't feel good about our marriage any more. It just didn't feel right to be with him anymore. I stopped feeling good about myself because I was continuing to put up with his nonsense. I hated myself! One day, shortly after dday #5 with the same MOW, I looked in the mirror at myself and said outloud..."no more"! I just can't do this any more. Being alone and broke and a single mom looked better to me that what I was living.

Now he is gone. He has been for 7 months. It feels great. It will feel even better when I sell our house and when our divorce is final. I just want to begin my life again. A second chance. He is dead to me now and it feels like I never really knew him at all.

It's crazy!!!!!

TrustGone posted 7/15/2013 14:57 PM

I had known for awhile that I was no longer in love with XWH#1. I stayed to try and provide a complete family for my children and I was scared to be alone. Then when he didn't come home 3 nights in a row and refused to tell me where he had been, I said enough was enough and kicked him to the curb. He attempted a few days later to R, but then the next day said I couldn't tell him who to be friends with. That was the straw that broke the camels back. I just said OK, filed for D, and never looked back. Now even seeing him makes me wonder what I ever saw in him to begin with. Total indifference on my part.

Now with WH#2, I can't really say right now I don't love him, because in a way I still do. Not the same innocent love I had for him before, but a strange love that I can't really discribe. I doubt our marriage will ever recover from his LTA and as my name says the trust is totally gone and he is slowly killing the strange love I feel now for him. How long until I say enough is hard to say. Still working on me and trying to detach.

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