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Newest Member: Dquacook1973 (60713)

User Topic: Nearly 2 weeks
♀ 39826
Member # 39826
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been nearly 2 weeks since I found emails (by mistake - i was trying to read my emails on his laptop) between my h and an ex work colleague. They were very sexually explicit and included details of meet ups etc. the reason his emails came up rather than mine was as our wireless was not connected. As soon as I went out of the room I was in the Internet connected and his email switched to mine. I didn't know his password so could not get into it again.
I confronted him straight away but he refused to let me read the emails. He said they were just fantasy emails etc.
I waited until he was asleep and at 2 am I hacked into his account by changing his password and read more emails that I also forwarded to myself. There were details of days they had met (she lives overseas and was here for 2 weeks). I woke him up again and told him I had seen them all. He continued to lie / say it was just fantasy stuff.

It took 4 days (including him going into my email account and deleting all the emails I had forwarded ) to tell the truth about the times they had met. I have all of the emails in an account he can't get to still. But I still don't think he is telling me the whole truth. Some parts still don't add up and I don't believe what he is saying.

He says she is sorry, has broken things off totally with her (she is married also) and wants to be 100% honest bla bla bla, but I still know he has not told me everything and little bits keep falling into place.

Today was the first day we have actually been civil to one another. I've gone through many emotions. I was so angry at first and calm, then upset, then just empty and now I don't know what I think. I've lost half a stone since I found out and can't eat properly still. Eating a 'proper meal' makes my cry (not sure why)

I can't function at work properly and I have only told a few friends so hiding it from others is hard. People know something is wrong but I'm just saying I have some issues.

Today I thought we may be able to start rebuilding things but now again I just don't know again. I know it's early days but I'm exhausted by the thinking, and I actually feel sorry for him which doesn't make sense.

I have good friends, a lovely gay best friend who picked me up and drove me to work when I couldn't function and has looked after me. Yesterday he was at his partners house and left me a key - and I just drove over and slept for a few hours at his as I didn't want to stay at my house.

We have no children but we have a other ties which makes decisions harder.

I feel permanently sick and tired. I'm also scared that ill just give in and allow us to pretend this never happened as the alternatives are all too hard to cope with.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 39751
Member # 39751
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry to hear your story, and hugs to you. I'm in nearly the same spot when it comes to being willing to pretend that nothing happened because the alternatives are too impossible to imagine...and I'm almost 3 weeks in.

The first week, I confronted my FWH, he admitted it, and NC started when the MOW's husband insisted on it. We had some great conversations about our relationship and the affair and I was actually feeling hopeful.

The second week we talked more, but FWH became so withdrawn and distant it was miserable. He's the one who had an affair, and it was like he couldn't stand being around me! I finally asked him to explain, and his answer was (1) he's an introvert and having constant conversation about us has drained him beyond all belief, and (2) he feels enormous pressure to make things better (although he shows zero action on that front other than maintaining NC), and (3) he is struggling with losing the MOW and going through withdrawal (my words, not his).

So at that point I started the 180 and felt immediately better...and also saw some small immediate results. He was a bit more affectionate toward me, and during the third week started making little gestures like sending me a few sweet texts during the day and trying to do things he knew would make me happy. It's not all great by any stretch, and this weekend has been kind of down again, but there are small signs of hope.

What's hard for me to accept is that even with these small signs of progress, he doesn't express remorse and is still frankly saying he doesn't know if he can get there because he's still in the fog of feeling he loved the OW. When our MC suggested he might have been in love with how he felt during the affair and not actually in love with the OW, he absolutely denied that and said it couldn't be more wrong. He has basically stated that because hs is so drained, he can't tolerate any discussion of us. And...he has never once asked how I'm feeling or shown any empathy.

So I'm sticking with the 180 but having a harder time accepting that after all the hurt he's caused, it has to be me that makes all the effort (at this point) in our relationship and my needs and pain go unnoticed. And the sad thing is that life is pretty good (other than that) - we're together, we've been out on 'dates' and had fun, we're enjoying time with our kids, he is showing some affection and love for me - so I've told myself I can tolerate this for a while to see if he can get to true remorse and R.

All of this is to say I know exactly what you're feeling - hopeful about the possibility of just moving on but feeling pathetic about the idea that we might just accept being treated like this. I keep telling myself it's still really, really try not to give up home and make sure you focus on yourself instead of him. Good luck!

D-Day: June 2013 discovered two-month EA/PA
NC established: August 2013

Posts: 134 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 21925
Member # 21925
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


First, welcome to the best group of people you never wanted to meet. Secondly, read the healing library over to your left.there is a lot of good information there. Take care of yourself, eat, drink, try to very some exercise even if it's just getting outside and walking for a few minutes each day.

Keep posting and the SI members can help you through this. hang on for a big roller coaster of emotions and what we call trickle truth of information. it's going to take some time for you to put all the pieces together.

Denial and minimizing is straight out of the wandering spouse handbook. Start the 180 (in the library to your left). Be strong for yourself because it's not a good sign that he isnt allowing you full email access. there should be 0 deleting emails.

BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo

Posts: 1034 | Registered: Dec 2008
♀ 39667
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 4 months in (dd was 3/10), SAfWH is making progress and I still feel many ups/downs. It's only been 3 weeks that I have felt like SAfWH has accepted COMPLETE ownership of this situation. Before, I felt like he was distorting all of this to make himself feel better/going through the motions of therapy/MC.

This is probably not what you want to hear, but I think you should know the truth about what lies ahead. There will be many ups and downs. Whatever behaviors led to this A were years in the making (his making NOT yours). It's important to note that things ARE a lot better now. I feel stronger. WH is acting a little more like a real human being again.

My hope for you is that you are patient for the truth to come out and that he is willing to seek counseling. You cannot go through something like this and repair it on your own. It takes two willing people PLUS some 3rd party guidance from someone who is a professional.

This really sucks. Hang in there. Things will slowly get better. You will have good and bad days. You must go through this to get to the other side of it.

Keep posting...we are here for you.

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 932 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 4

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