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Newest Member: Confused4 (61103)

User Topic: what is recovery
♂ 37664
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW is going through all the motions . MC no contact With the op . Obeying her boundaries . I feel she Is only doing this because she is afraid I will leave the M . She will thrown in token sex once in a while but there is no emotion tied to the act . Does anyone know what real recovery looks like ? Do I have to give her time to figure it out ?

married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty

Posts: 228 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
♀ 38763
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm guessing because I don't actually know but I imagine real recovery to look like this:
Both parties agreeing to be in it 100% and doing the hard work.
Both parties being able to be gentle with each other as they do the hard work. I'd imagine some mistakes will be made on both sides, especially if there is a long history of learned behavior already between them.
Both parties seeking help independently, to work through personal issues, regardless of the reasons for those issues.
Both parties seeking help to build a better relationship together.
Both parties being invested in the health of the relationship and doing everything possible to nurture each others spirit as well as attending to their own needs.
Maybe it's being at the place where neither is in fear that their spouse will leave or revert, even while things continue to get sorted out.
Trust is established.
I see it as two part, I guess. First, there's the stage of trying. Things have calmed down because the WS is no longer engaged in risky or damaging behavior but the BS is in hell and very uncertain?
Then stage two, the WS has gone a long way to show they want their marriage and their partner. They've done the heavy lifting. The BS is mostly out of their protective shell and knows they are loved and safe.
From there, they can begin again.
Idk...I'm just making stuff up. I've got some of the details right but probably not the whole story.

Ask her what she really wants with you and how she feels about you. You may have to ask a bunch of times if you are anything like me.
You will feel a lot of things about her motives and actions...some may not be true even though it feels real to you. It's hard to gauge once you've been lied to so severely.

Just remember, you can't be the only one in a relationship but it can take some time to get everyone on the same page. It's nothing you can make happen though. You do you've part, she does hers. Or she doesn't, in which case, you have your answers.

I'm just rambling. I don't know how far out you are from dday.

Me: 44 BS
Him: 40 FWS
Ow: 47 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 23, 20, 19, 17, 12
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 360 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
Topic Posts: 2

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