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Pass posted 7/14/2013 17:54 PM

I mentioned in another thread that The Princess had said something really nice to me a few days ago - something that made me doubt the whole anger stage (but still no doubt about the separation/divorce!).

Well, I'm over it. The anger is back, because of two things that happened when she came to pick up the boys.

Incident #1:
She had to use my bathroom, so she steps inside the bathroom, turns around, makes big flirty eyes, and says, "I may just close the door before I disrobe!"

Because, of course, I would really want to see her naked again.

Incident #2:
Every Sunday night, she comes in and we all sit and chat for a few minutes about the things the boys and I did over the weekend. I have to admit that I often enjoy this because it reminds me of having a full family again; please feel free to hit me with something.

But it just occurred to me that at no point do we ever sit down and discuss what she and the boys have done when they're with her. It's like we're trying to get her approval in my parenting skills! Fuck that!

She's the one who has fucked up moods, likes to talk about her sexuality, and is fucking multiple men.

But of course she isn't looking for approval. It's taking me so long to realize that she has been exercising control for so long, and I don't even see most of the ways it's happening.

I was reading through a blog about the five signs you are in a codependent relationship. I had all five of them. Like strong, baby. Like, I was a codependent wimp. I'm slowly claiming my life back, and the most important thing I can do is stop asking for approval!

SBB posted 7/14/2013 18:20 PM

Can I get a hell yeah!!

Stop the chats - try to avoid even seeing her if you can. I do handovers via school/daycare for this very reason.

Stop giving her the opportunity to torture you like this. Just.Stop.

She is keeping her hooks in your flesh my friend. I'm glad that you are starting to notice.

You know who she is - it gets confusing sometimes because she looks like someone you thought you knew for so long.


Your family is full - its composition is not the way you planned or worked so hard for but it is full. Remind yourself of this by the absence of worry, eggshells, tension and craziness when she is not around.

caregiver9000 posted 7/14/2013 18:33 PM

I approve of this post...

Ok, in all seriousness, good for you for identifying your behaviors/reactions. Because you are the only person you control.

The book

Co-dependent No More

changed my life.

Good luck going forward.

Kajem posted 7/14/2013 19:05 PM

What caregiver said. Codependent no more, and The Art of Letting Go(Beattie) is great for a daily meditation.

Also there are Cody groups around ... like AA groups. They actually helped me disengage from XH. They held me accountable for my actions at breaking NC. Would not take my excuses...



Pass posted 7/14/2013 19:24 PM

Erm ... speaking of breaking no contact, Kajem.

She just sent me the following text: "Thanks for taking such good care of the boys. I don't worry at all when they're with you."

I know I should have just left it at crickets, but did I mention that I'm in the anger stage? My response: "You're not supposed to worry. I'm their dad."

I finally followed the rules when she sent back "I know. It was a compliment."

Chirp chirp.

I'll probably get a call from her later with some drama. That's what she does. Have I said "Fuck" yet?

Heal&Deal posted 7/14/2013 19:53 PM

Pick ups/drop offs are the hardest time for me to maintain NC.

Like, why is she using your bathroom? XH does this too. Really - hugs and kisses for kiddos and then stop at 7-11 on the way home if she can't make it.

I've started walking out on the front porch to greet DS when he is returned in hopes it thwarts the tour of my house for unnecessary reasons. DS(3) still often invites XH in to see whatever toy in his room....

And the chats about what went on...I get sucked in here too. Generally, I want to know, did DS nap, eat, etc, which will drive my agenda. Somehow, this often turns into the happy family chat you describe. I hear about people passing a journal back and forth. Sounds like a lot of effort and impractical in many situations. Anyway, honing my skills on keeping the convo short and on target.

Great job and good luck!

Pass posted 7/14/2013 20:19 PM

Either my angry response, or my follow-up crickets have thrown her off-guard. I got a further compliment from her:

"By the way, I've been following your blovel, and I love it. You're a good writer."

In a period of a couple hours, I've received a couple compliments from her. She NEVER complimented me when we were together. I guess I HAVE to beg her to take me back now!

She would absolutely love me to do that. Then she could let me down easy-ish.

SBB posted 7/15/2013 03:55 AM

I doubt she saw it as an angry response.

Let her jam up her bloody hoover with crickets.

Can you block people from your blovel? She is letting you know she is stalking you dude.

CallMeRed1 posted 7/15/2013 04:05 AM

Your ex sounds a bit like mine. He has an ego the size of England and probably still thinks I want him badly.

I have the added joy of living in the same road so he drives past my house to get to his.

It's great to say that you're over it but it's even better when you realise deep down inside that you really are.

My ex hinted that he had something ready for delivery this week, he was hinting that maybe I could not go into work (I earn about a tenth of what he does in a working day) so I could sit at home and take his delivery in for him. Sod that!!! I like my job, I don't want to lose it by slacking, and especially not for him.

So I said I had work and then a school thing (for the kids) and couldn't change either, and suggested he ask his neighbour. I felt quite proud of myself. There was a time I'd have helped him out. Because I'm just like that with people...

This whole essay is just to say I know it's really hard to stop letting the ex have control, but you are NEARLY there, pass. When you are 100% there you will feel amazing.

tesla posted 7/15/2013 11:25 AM

Fellow co-dependent here. I'll never forget when I read 'codependent no more' and recognized myself and ex-shat in the various description. We were a toxic match made in hell. And now that I know that I'm like that, I work really hard to set boundaries for myself so that I don't end up in any relationships like that again!

The princess is a piece of work. Cut her sorry ass off at the more falling into her little games. She can toy with her shiny new playthings she finds on her whore-hunting. You, my friend, are not some whore's toy.

[This message edited by tesla at 11:26 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

dindy posted 7/15/2013 11:34 AM

My ex was always coming into my flat and commenting on things, it used to drive me mad. Like I need his approval!

So now he drops the kids off at the front door and doesn't come in.

We also use a journal, it works for us and it saves me having to talk to him.

Keep up the good work!

ladies_first posted 7/15/2013 15:16 PM

Am I correct that she's out dating and you're not?

Let me tell you, an amazing amount of texting goes on in the dating scene. It's just ego kibble. You're the best___. You're the greatest____.

and the most important thing I can do is stop asking for approval!

Can you wean her off the constant texting, unless it's an emergency, and ask her to restrict her communication to emails concerning (changes in) finances and (changes in) kids schedules. Everything of importance has been agreed to in the D decree.

[This message edited by ladies_first at 3:17 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

TXBW68 posted 7/15/2013 19:19 PM

Your boys are the same ages mine were when we separated last year. He moved in with friends for the first 3 months - and I refused to let him take the boys there. So I let him "hang out" at our house and I would leave. That idiot would take naps on my couch! I have pictures!

Once he got his own place, based on great advice in this forum, I stopped letting him in my house. The first time I refused to let him in, he was pissed. But, like a good dog, he learned. He stopped getting out of the car during exchanges. I had the kids ready and waiting for him. We went for several weeks without seeing each other. It was wonderful! I needed the time to clear my head.

Your kids are old enough to do the same. You may find it's exactly what you need too! Emails about kids/finances only. No calls. Limited texts.

Losing that "family feeling" is very hard. But you can still be a family with your boys.

T/J I did ask the boys casually what they did with Dad after each visit - and documented everything.


Ashland13 posted 7/15/2013 19:42 PM

Yes, that's STBXH to a T! He's also gone so far as to complain to his lawyer about me if I dare to ask for their plans or where DD will be staying, even though it's in the papers-but he doesn't read those.

I tried to do the chatting too for a time, but he always manages to make things that are neutral, or even nice, into a fight. Somehow, someway, ruins trying to be civil.

I recognize your codependent idea in myself-used to have it-but the snot was kicked out of me so hard I don't want help from anyone now!

He, too, was very vocal about his sex life-I am not-and has changed some of his body since leaving and some of his "personal habits" or preferences. It simply solidifies the knowledge that he is a stranger now.

I, too, have spent a millennium craving the lost sense of family life. As the other posts say, it is out there, but not in the nuclear, textbook way of tv and movies that I grew up believing was real. People I know in situations like these seem to revert back to original families-parents, siblings, old friends even-to link with and reclaim. That's what I've been doing because I'm learning very quickly who I can count on to be there.

You know, I'm making some discoveries. Some of the people who are supporting me the most are not people I could relate to when he was present. They are really hearing that I have a voice and an opinion now and can stand upright in the world and am not an idiot.

I hope you will find this, too. It is slow, monotonous and putting ourselves aside, but haven't we already done this for many moons already?

Some of the people I wrote about have complimented me and I don't mean to horn-toot, it's just one small nice change in the mixed bag that life has become.

I hope you will start to have this too, as you move on in the journey or process you are thrust on.

I wish you well and ease.

I wish you well on your journey and the least amount of frustration possible.

Pass posted 7/16/2013 12:22 PM

SBB, there may be a way to block her from my blovel, but I haven't found it yet. She may voluntarily block herself when I reveal the main character's wife.

Thanks, CallMeRed1. I really do feel like I'm almost there.

tesla, you're right. I'm not some whore's toy. I need to stop letting her think she can sway me with compliments and flirty eyes!

ladies_first, yep, she's actually in a relationship - and probably cheating on him too! I've gone on some dates, but am not really ready yet. I'm afraid I may have been the one to initiate the texting; she used to phone me a couple times a week just to shoot the shit.

TXBW68, I'm not sure I can just stop her at the door. It sounds lovely, but I really don't want to appear hostile. I know hostile is what she deserves, but I worry about what effect it would have on our pension negotiations as the time approaches to file for divorce. Once I have the money, I have less of a vested interest in her feelings about me.

Thanks Ashland13, and everyone else, for your kind words. I really feel like I may be getting there.

Kajem posted 7/16/2013 13:32 PM

You don't have to be hostile... just be ready to get the boys from her at the car or on the front lawn. etc. Give her no reason to get out of the car, that way she has no excuse to mark her territory by using your facilities. That way she HAS to ask for your permission to enter. And she will need YOUR APPROVAL do to it.

My XH GIVES approval, he doesn't ask for it.

BTDT, can you tell.

[This message edited by Kajem at 1:34 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

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