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Ashland13 posted 7/14/2013 19:09 PM

As divorce proceeding progress, STBXH is retreating further away, as am I. There is little to no interaction for a long while and now with him employed again, I work even harder-somehow-to not contact him for anything at all.

He has been abusive, I'm told and am shocked, he's been rude, he's ignored me, mocked me, yelled at me ...

So why, why in the world, am I suffering withdrawal symptoms? Of late I also get panic attacks when we do have contact and so this range of emotions I think is too wide now to comprehend.

He does not acknowledge that I exist when he delivers or collects DD and I know that I should be glad because it avoids drama, but why do I feel continued hurt?

This man does not take me seriously as a person and I know that, but maybe because I considered him my BFF and confidant for 20 years and now is gone, totally and completly gone, I don't know how to handle it some days?

Often I am okay with it, but on the days he comes and goes, I break down and am sometimes so low I am not functional.

I was shocked to learn that this is an abusive man-not physically, he is too cowardly-but he fits about 8 out of 10 other categories, including money and control.

Shouldn't I be glad to be free? Shouldn't I be glad to pursue any man I wanted? Shouldn't I be glad OW hooked herself a cheater and I had too much self esteem and all the other psych words to wait longer to see if he was going to file? Shouldn't I continue to be proud I finally got some b' boots?

Some people have given me reasons and they very, from the pregnancy to the codependency that I am "graduating" from and so on.

And I don't understand why he has to be rude and works very hard not to face me? Granted it hurts me to see him now, and makes no sense, but I'm trying to understand his part so I can put it out of my head and be more emotionally prepared.

One person said it's the arrival of the next phase of passive aggression, and this I believe the most: this theory is that he saved all his hidden resentments and they are coming out in this way, all mixed up for the coward still lives in him, but he is starting to feel powerful against me as the divorce gets finalized? This person suggested it's a feeling of power for him to choose to greet me or simply leave DD somewhere on the property like the porch or basement and not deliver her directly to me as I would to him.

I guess the whole display of lack of courtesy and respect being so blatant is maybe shocking me and I know I'm not supposed to dissect it, but as I said, I want to be numb to it but can't without answer.

Why does he have to continue to make things harder, like also ignoring small things and making them bigger? Or saying one thing to me and completely opposite things to others? It has helped maintain NC, but I want to find a way to combat the withdrawal, because I simply can't stand it and can't handle another big emotion.

He got what he wanted, so why still treat me like SH, or is it who he is now? Maybe that's all.

Thank you.

Heal&Deal posted 7/14/2013 20:07 PM

My XH does this nonsense when he is mad too. First, like you, I was really hurt. It was like a punch in the gut. But then I got used to it and when he started being courteous and trying to talk to me, I missed the days of being ignored.

The thing is, as long as he is showing you what an ass he is, you can easily remember why you are divorcing.

These days XH rotates his nonsense. Sometimes he is trying to chat me up, come in my house. Other days he is blatantly ignoring me to make some sort of point. The only thing it is communicating to me is that he is a jackass.

Your STBX's behavior is hurtful. Be kind to yourself as your work through the emotions. Biggest of hugs.

Pass posted 7/14/2013 20:24 PM

Hey Ash,

He's an arse, but he used to be the man you loved. It's hard to understand this longing we feel, but it really makes sense in that context. I wish The Princess would go back to being the woman I thought she was.

However, she was never that woman, and your Ash-hole at the very least is no longer the man you were devoted to - if he ever was.

And it sucks. Hugs to you.

PhantomLimb posted 7/14/2013 20:52 PM


I don't have any real insight. Just want to say, I don't get it either. I'll never understand why my WS continues to treat me like poo after he already damaged every conceivable part of my life. He's still doing it even though we are NC by texting mutual friends crap that isn't true, manically posting on FB about how great his life is now, etc etc. He has to know it all gets back to me even if we are NC.

The only thing I can figure is that they can't possibly allow themselves to feel empathy for us-- to imagine what we feel. They have to pretend that it's not that bad. Even if they have resentments that built up and hate our guts now, it must be a horrible feeling to know you destroyed another person. They may dip their toe into trying to understand what we're going through (try to have a casual convo or call and ask how we're doing), but even when my WS was still doing that, you could tell he couldn't stand the answers.

Better not to talk to us. Not to know. Maintain their "I don't care" attitude. They have invested a lot of time and energy into separating themselves from us emotionally (how else do you have an A?). They've had a lot of practice.

And for those of us who spent years and decades never having a thought for ourselves without thinking about them in the next breath, it's agony. I just went on a business trip abroad and went into a couple of shops to get gifts for friends/family. I kept seeing all of the things I would have brought back for him and he would have loved. I hate that he still takes up that kind of real estate in my brain.

One of my best friends keeps telling me that I need to get to the point where his actions have no effect on my emotional health. I think only time will do that. When he's an ahole, there is at least some level of irony to it. He waited until my *birthday* to change his relationship status on FB. I mean, you can't make this stuff up. If he does enough stupid crap, maybe you will just get to the point where your eyes will roll and you can process it as just more attempted emotional abuse from him... and to heck with it.

ButterflyGirl posted 7/14/2013 23:01 PM

Hey girl. Just wanted to send you some big hugs..

I was just talking to my friend last night about how stupid I feel when I get sad about the demise of the marriage. He was such an abusive, controlling, manipulative a-hole, so why the heck would I cry over him?? I can't really explain it, but just wanted to let you know that I struggle with similar thoughts sometimes too..

I think it's a combination of things, your pregnancy, co-d, cycles of abuse, and just all the post-traumatic stress in general from the betrayal.. And I think PhantomLimb had some great insight too into why he has to act like he doesn't care. I think he might have a heart attack if he truly faced what he was doing to his family and took even an ounce of responsibility for it..

Sending you lots of hugs and strength tonight.. I so wish I could come make you your favorite dinner and take you out for some pampering. You deserve it..


PhantomLimb posted 7/14/2013 23:18 PM

Their ongoing cruelty also sort of reminds me of how there is no justice in any of this.

I wish I knew karma was real.

SBB posted 7/14/2013 23:51 PM

I too went through my own sort of Stockholm Syndrome.

It is as confusing as hell but completely normal. Some of it is habit, some of it is the struggle to let go of how you thought things were in the face of what you now know.

I saw a quote quite a while ago that really resonated with me:

"The harder you work, the harder it is to surrender." - Vince Lombardi

I worked so hard to gaslight and rugsweep pre and post DD to try and hold onto my M that it became like a reflex.

It takes distance, time and practice to get to indifference.

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