SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

OnlyMe123 posted 7/14/2013 19:42 PM

i am thinking of going for counselling and maybe then couples counselling.

Has anyone tried this and felt it was worthwhile?

purplejacket4 posted 7/14/2013 19:51 PM

IC has been a God send.

To be honest CC is not useful unless your WS is also willing to do IC and work on themselves.

blakesteele posted 7/15/2013 03:12 AM

IC has and is worthwhile to me. MC is less productive right now but still worth it.

Between the actual cost and childcare...it gets expensive...but I just don't see growing as fully as I need and want to without it.

Wife and I are struggling hard right now....but think it would be worse without counseling. Like many BS I wish my wife APPEARED more committed to her IC then she does.

This is probably more of a factor of her way of learning is different then mine...I like to share my journey...she is more reserved.

For our marriage to successfully R I believe she will have to invite me in more often then she does...counseling is a good option. She just recently joined this site...she has not posted yet but I hope to gain insight into her via this site too.

I read a lot too...and I pray.

Many ways to heal...I am the type who seeks them all.

God be with us all.

Lost&Hurt posted 7/15/2013 07:03 AM

IC helped me....

We did MC and I discovered later he was lying to me throughout....because he was still seeing MOW...

So, no, for us it was a complete waste.

Remember, MC ONLY works when the WS WANTS to fix things....

The way I see it, some just use it as a way to placate the BS....and go on doing what it is they want to do.

I'm sure for some at SI, it has been the thing that saved them.

For me, it was a complete and total waste of time and money.

The A ONLY stopped when HE was ready to...nothing before that worked.....

And, yes, I should have dumped his ass from the beginning.

[This message edited by Lost&Hurt at 7:04 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

undonelife posted 7/15/2013 07:27 AM

Go to IC for yourself. He has to want to be in the marriage. I tried too soon w MC when he was still in the fog & it ended up hurting me even more.

wanttogoforward posted 7/15/2013 07:41 AM

MC/ CC works IF: you are willing to hear things you do not want to hear... are willing to accept that which you cannot change.... are willing to both put in the hard work to rebuild...if you both want to save the M and be open about things....

IC is always good.... I did benefit.

Skye posted 7/15/2013 08:41 AM

I would ask you to define "worked." It didn't save my marriage, but that wasn't my goal. It gave us a safe place to speak to each and hear each other. That was very important to me. I would say it worked. He had to see himself in my eyes while we were in counseling. That was very important to me.

JustmeVA posted 7/15/2013 09:19 AM

Good thread... Just what I needed before I go off to IC appt.

I agree... I don't think CC/MC works if both of you are not working on fixing the areas of ourselves that need improving...

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 7/15/2013 09:27 AM

MC saved our M. As others have said it only works when you have both partners willing to work AND a C who doesn't take much crap! Our MC called us BOTH on our bullshit, but also knew when to take it easy and encourage us.

FWH had a really had time in IC because he "didn't know what to talk about". A lot of things got resolved in MC because I'd put it on the table. He also did a few sessions of IC with our MC's partner so they could talk about how to guide him.

sisoon posted 7/15/2013 13:42 PM

OnlyMe, What are your goals? C works for many goals but nor for others.

My W's IC saw us together on D-Day and became our CC/MC while remaining my W's IC. She's helped us a lot.

The approach you're thinking of is a good one for some people, even though it's different from what we did.

There's no single path through this mess. The only way to know if what you're suggesting will work for you is to try it out.

The thing is, if you try out a method, and it helps, great! If it doesn't, you can adjust appropriately.

justdoit posted 7/15/2013 14:33 PM

MC is the only reason we are together. The therapist was well trained, intelligent, had a plan and methodology that worked. I tried IC but didn't find a person that was right for me. Kind of wish I had - may keep looking.

heforgotme posted 7/15/2013 14:59 PM

It has been great for us. But our therapist is very well versed in infidelity. If you go and they don't have the SI mindset....bail. They can do a lot of damage if they don't have the right approach.

blakesteele posted 7/15/2013 20:07 PM

Undonelife makes a GREAT point!

Don't enter MC until you are sure your spouse is completely out of the fog.

As far as I am concerned much time and money was wasted early on in my situation...wife was so in the fog that the affair actually went from EA to PA while we were in weekly MC sessions and she was in IC. It comes down to both of you have to be committed to MC for it to work. If a spouse is desiring to step out of the marriage...they will do it! Just look at the President, famous people, sports heros...all have very busy lives living under intense scrutiny...and, yet, they find a way to have affairs. A lone MC that you see for 1 hour once a week will NOT insure the WS commits to changing their ways.

At the very beginning I was naïve...so ignorant...so ill equipped to handle any part of this trauma. I foolishly thought that since we enlisted the help of a professional early on we were ahead of the game. What it actually did was undermine my confidence in accepting what my wife was saying....did this by her fooling a licensed, experienced counselor and me at the same time. I believe this, and the TTing that also took place, has added time and difficulty to my trials...try and avoid repeating this mistake of mine. A mistake I think many others have also made.

I get how I could be fooled...my natural tendency back then was to WANT to trust my wife...so I was setting myself up to not see things. But the third party intelligent counselor was also fooled.

All of that to reiterate my point...if you are very early on since DD don't press into MC thinking it will jump start your healing...it might....but IMHO IC is where you should start.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:11 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

tearingaway posted 7/16/2013 09:21 AM

My own IC was quite helpful. The MC was not helpful because my WW is and was not able to own her shit. I guess I am continuing the theme of MC only works if the WS is willing to do some digging and make it work. Otherwise, it is essentially useless.

IC is worthwhile though. At the very least, it can be an venting outlet where no others exist (although SI can serve as a place for venting--I know because I have done plenty of it here).

OnlyMe123 posted 7/16/2013 17:21 PM

Thank you so much for all your experience of IC and MC. It has really helped me.

Based on your experience I think its too early as right now for me for IC. I am tired and fed up and don't want to actually talk to anyone.