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Newest Member: Freebird890 (48489)

User Topic: Really Need Help tonight
♀ 24790
Member # 24790
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi my friends,
It has been a while since I visited this website. Life, although far from perfect, was getting more balanced. I believe in the tumultuous situation of a marriage ending and trying to begin a new life, balance is a truly positive state to be in.

Anyway, my most wonderful son finally came home from out of state college. He spent a week first with my ex, his father. When he comes home after being with his dad he is a can I say this...grumpy to me...and highly protective of his dad. This always amazes me but also really hurts my feelings as I never have said one mean word about his dad to him...nor do I even ask him anything about his dad. So it is not like he needs to hide things from me because I am not asking anyway!

So last night he went to see his friend in a near by college town.

That good old maternal gut level feeling kicked in and I really didn't want him to go. But he has just turned 21 so, in reality, although I am his mother, it is his life. He promised me he would be safe and smart. He is a straight A student and has a full academic scholarship. We have often talked about consequences of actions and life changing events.

Long story short...he went and this morning I get a call from him from jail that he was arrested last night for public intoxication.

I jump in my car....make the 90 ride to the jail and after several hours, he is released. He is crying and apologizing. I tell him I am glad he is safe and we will get through this together as we have always gotten through things. He begs me not to tell his dad. Since I have no contact with his dad anyway I agree. Then he asks me if I wanted to know why he drank so much (he really never drinks...that's the truth). He said because this Tuesday the 16th his dad is marrying a girl 26 years his junior (she is a year older than our son) and he is really devastated by this. He wasn't invited to the wedding and he figures they will be divorced in a year or two. What really scares him is his dad really doesn't care about our son anymore now that he has this new plaything and my son figures that once another child is born he (my son) will be totally forgotten. He feels he has lost his father.

So my friends here is my need to talk. Not only am I trying to soothe and comfort my one and only child as he has messed up his own life trying to drowned out his father's continuous bad choices but I am shocked to find out the one and only love of my life (No my friends I would never take my ex back ever but he still was my true love) is marrying a "child" and taking all my hard work and earnings with them.

My ex drove me to bankruptcy while he skips through life, living off of my putting him through school. He has not ever lived up to the divorce decree and I have had to drag him back to court to pay old back support payment that I know I will never receive while he plays legal games to keep me poor.

So why am I so freaked out and devastated.

I knew he'd never apologize or suddenly grow a heart and conscience...but his sweet son. I really do not know how to protect our son from his father. My son seems so desperate to getting the un-get-able...his father's love and recognition.

This will be a very long next few days, as I try to find my son a lawyer and help him get his life back. I just wish he didn't care so much about his dad...I wish I didn't as well.

Please don't judge me. Words of wisdom, would be greatly appreciated along with prayer for my son and me, please.

Thank you for listening,
Praying for Grace

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2009
♀ 6042
Member # 6042
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so very sorry you are going through this multi-tiered trauma. Regarding your son's charge, at least it is not a DUI and there is a chance he could get it pled down or expunged after community service and a clean probationary period. But he does need good counsel, so you need to look for a good lawyer. I don't know what to say about how to deal with the news of your XH's child bride except that I'm sorry you have to deal with the fallout. :(.

Posts: 244 | Registered: Dec 2004
♀ 39668
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry to hear this. I'm still quite new here and I think others may be able to offer some good advice to you based on their experience... But let me suggest that your son take advantage of counseling services provided by his school. He has to have insurance to be in college, so he may be able to get free services this summer locally, and then his college will have conselors on site when he returns in the fall. He has a lot to sort through and needs to learn more effective means of doing so.


BS / D

Posts: 880 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 30883
Member # 30883
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading your story, I don't have much advice but I want to send you my support. Feeling devastated would be a totally natural reaction to seeing how much your XH's callous behavior has hurt your son. It is understandable that you are feeling angry and disappointed in your X as a father. It's obvious that he hasn't shown the same love and care to your son as you have. The silver lining here is that you're not married to that guy and his bad decisions anymore. Continue to give your son the emotional and parental support that you obviously have in huge quantities :-) and it will give you both the strength to go through this upheaval. Counselling sounds like it would be helpful. Your son is lucky to have a mother like you. It's probably not realistic that you could shield or protect him from his dad, just let him know that you love him and as he becomes his own man, with a good support network, he will realize his wellbeing does not have to be held ransom by the choices of his father.

Me: 40, happily divorced Dec11
D-Day #1 - 9th Jan 11, D-Day #2 - 13th Jan 11
Kids - 4, 8 yrs

Posts: 276 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so very sorry PFG. I give you the same advice that has been given to me in terms of my little girls.

You can't protect them from this stuff. It is difficult to navigate this with them whilst also dealing with your own emotions around it.

Be there for him. Hear him out. Let him have these feelings openly with you rather than keeping them to himself because he is worried about adding to your own burden.

You can hold each others hands whilst he carries his burden and you carry yours.

Children will often seek out the attention/validation/love from the more distant parent. I see it with my eldest girl - she tells him false stories about me to make him happy, then she feels bad about it and tells me. She won't tell the counsellor anything about him because he would be angry. He has told her off for telling the truth.

She knows I will not get angry if she tells the truth even if it is something bad about me. She knows I won't get angry if she tells untruths but she does know I'm sad about it. Even when she tells untruths about him designed to make me happy.

My poor little girl - your poor son.

I am sorry he has such a waste of space for a father. I am glad he has a soft place to land in you.

I am reminded that bigger kids are impacted just has hard by all of this stuff as little ones. Even our adult kids.

Sending you strength and healing friend.

I'm well on my way to detachment but I don't think I'll ever stop being horrified by the choices he makes and how he lives his life in terms of how it impacts my children. Ever.

I am glad that I have dodged all of these bullets current and future but it kills me that my girls are unable to. Even when they are grown.

((PFG & Son and all of our kids, big and little))

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 6:19 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5922 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
♀ 24790
Member # 24790
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone,
I just wanted to give you a quick update...found an attorney for my I am hoping all that will go well.
My son and I had a long talk about how to appropriately handle his frustration and grief concerning his father.

And I went to my counselor/therapist to help sort out my feelings and fears for my son and for me.

She said my reaction was very normal concerning his abrupt wedding. Even when you know in your heart that the divorce was the best thing for you and everyone involved...that no matter what I would never want my ex back...the event is shocking and tinged with feelings of sadness, anger and grief. So my reaction is quite normal after all.

But this is what I wanted to share with all of you. My therapist reminded me everything my ex does, including marrying this very young girl and being so evil and cruel to his own son is not about is not about our son either. This is all about him and his inability to face the truth about life and about himself. And the fact he married someone so young is the mark of his true "illness".

That was a wonderful reminder that we need to work on ourselves and let go of everything else. We have no control over others.

I feel so much better tonight. I thank you all for getting me through the last couple of days. Thank you for helping through this whole process. I could never have done it without you.
Take care my friends.

I think someone on this site has a quote that really sums up this entire process of a marriage ending and a new life beginning.
"Whether we remain ash or become phoenix is up to us."
I think I finally took flight!Thank you
Praying for Grace

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2009
♀ 23266
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so happy for you, PFG, that you are able to detach yourself from your X and his issues.

I'm so sorry your son is hurting. You are such a terrific mom, really being there for your son. You two will be just fine in the long run.

Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My therapist reminded me everything my ex does, including marrying this very young girl and being so evil and cruel to his own son is not about is not about our son either. This is all about him and his inability to face the truth about life and about himself. And the fact he married someone so young is the mark of his true "illness".

Too True. None of these things are the decisions of a rational mind. It is one of the reasons it is SO important to not try to make sense of it. It is a labyrinth of irrational that just goes around and around without end.

We have found ourselves outside of the labyrinth. At first its scary to not be contained within its walls - until you get a real taste of freedom.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5922 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 8

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