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Am I wrong to want to check?

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rmhm97 posted 7/15/2013 04:36 AM

It has been 9 days and far too many tears (from the both of us) since I found out about my wife's brief affair. I believe that her remorse is sincere but I cannot stop feeling a need to check her phone to see if she is still in contact with him. How do I bring this up without seeming like I don't trust anything she says. I want to trust her again but I am also so worried about her staying in contact with OM. Most of me wants to R more than anything in the world and yet a small part of me worries that I can never trust her again and what's the use? When will this roller coaster stop and I can feel something other than pain again?

happenedtome posted 7/15/2013 04:48 AM

In a word, NO! If your WW truly wants to reconcile, she needs to make you feel safe by giving you all of her passwords and access to everything. She needs to be 100 percent transparent. I know it feels awkward to check on her, but it is called trust with verification. You are so close to dday, so be prepared for tt (trifle truth) and the roller coaster. ((((rmhm)))

isadora posted 7/15/2013 05:17 AM

It takes 2-5 years to heal. You need to check in order to start to feel safe. If your WW is remorseful she will jump at the chance to help you.

JustWow posted 7/15/2013 06:33 AM

That you do not trust her right now is a sane response.

If she has any empathy or common sense, she will understand this.

By giving her a chance to reconcile, you are giving her a chance to EARN your trust. You gave it too freely before. Noone can argue that fact now. She was not trustworthy.

Earning trust after such a breach is not an quick process, but it is really, really simple. She needs to behave in trustworthy ways, and freely give you the means to verify that she is doing so. THIS OPPORTUNITY IS A GIFT.

Over time, after many, many, many times verifying that her actions and words are in fact matching up, you will begin to trust - some - and that is normal too.

It takes time and patience. It is not hard though. Simply being honest and proving so in an empathetic, understanding and loving way is not hard. It is an opportunity that is a gift.

tushnurse posted 7/15/2013 07:25 AM

YOU need to be able to check, and she needs to be comfortable with that.

There are two analogies about checking, and rebuilding trust on this site. One is there is a trust bank, and each and every time you check and find nothing you get to make a deposit into it. The other is putting the pieces of a broken mirror/glass back together, every time you check and find nothing another piece of trust falls back into place, until the puzzle is put back together. I think both of these work well to express the need to rebuild the trust, and will help your FWS to understand the depth of her betrayal, wich may actually take some time for her to grasp.

In addition to checking up on her phone, many of us check email, and even place spyware because there is a nagging feeling that there is more, and I hate to tell you this, a lot of us do find more. It's ok though. When you have more, then you vailidate your feelings, and your sanity. It takes a bit to find footing again. But it can be done, and has been done by many of us here.

((((and strength)))

rmhm97 posted 7/15/2013 10:27 AM

Thanks for the advice and for the strength that I get from all of you. I have never been too good at showing or expressing myself and I think it's time that changed. After yet another sleepless night I am starting to make decisions that are difficult. I could have never imagined even a few weeks ago that all of this nightmare would actually be happening. I have been willing to throw away even my pride to get her back but all that is getting me is losing what little self esteem I have left. I am going to do everything in the 180 suggestions and let the chips fall where they may. I have started to see that if we separate perhaps she may realize who and what I am and if not, well, I have lost my marriage anyway as it stands now. Wow this is hard. I have been thru many things in my life but never had the wind taken from me like this. I want so badly to be happy again and have to fight to not feel sorry for myself. Her tears tear me apart and then she says something like she cannot stand to see me hurting and maybe she should leave. Like that will make it better?

I am putting my trust in the wisdom of all of you that have made it thru this hell because I am almost flailing about blindly looking for anything to grab hold of. I keep telling myself that this too shall pass but it doesn't always seem like it. I am looking forward to the day when I can look out at the sunshine and smile like I used to.

myperfectlife posted 7/15/2013 10:45 AM

So very sorry you find yourself here. Our ddays are very close together and I am on that same roller coaster.
I wish I'd found SI sooner as I would have done things so differently up to now.
Reach deep down to find your inner strength, the part of you that survives regardless, even if that's only the next breath.
Render unto today the worries thereof...but know you have a long road ahead no matter what.
I never in my life expected to be in this situation. I wish it was a nightmare and someone would shake me free.

ArableSands posted 7/15/2013 10:47 AM

Damn skippy you should check, and you should feel like you have every right to do so. Tell your wife that she has ZERO slack in this, and that she will toe the line you draw or your marriage is over and you'll slap her so hard with a sheaf of divorce papers that her head will spin like Linda Blair's in The Exorcist.

If she really loves you, really is afraid of losing you, she will do as you say and she'll like it. If not, it's healthier for you to accept that a divorce may be the best thing for YOU. I don't give a rat's patootie what happens to her. YOU are what matters here.

NowWhat106 posted 7/15/2013 11:51 AM

Yes, you should check! But the online phone records are most reliable--she can delete whatever she wants off of the phone.

I'm so sorry that you're here! Infidelity is devastating. Lean on us. Take care of yourself, and, yes, verify everything tight now!

Joyless29 posted 7/15/2013 12:39 PM

I am in the exact same boat as you are. I have become obsessive about checking. I check email, phone records just trying to catch him in another lie. I am very temped to put spyware on his phone to see if he is really telling me the truth. I do not want to put the effort in if he is lying. It has only been 7 days and I am exhausted of this life of not knowing the truth, especially since he confided in a friend that there were multiple ONS and he denies this. she has no motive to hide. i had phone records about the last affair. He slept with her 3 times and works with her. You are right to want to check. it is human nature not to trust after an affair. I am not sure if I can get past this either. I feel like I am losing my mind. I feel like he has too much to lose to tell the truth at this point and he knows it. I wrote up 7 things that I need to have for possible reconciliation, one of which is that if I catch him in one more lie about anything, that is a deal breaker for me and I will immediately file for divorce. Perhaps you should write up your list of what she needs to do in order for you to consider reconciliation. this will allow you to feel more in control. At least this is working for me. Sorry you have to go through this.

[This message edited by Joyless29 at 12:40 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

ArableSands posted 7/15/2013 13:27 PM

Joyless is so right. Within 5 minutes of me finding out and my wife grovelling for forgiveness, I told her the following, and it flowed like syrup:

* If I get a single WHIFF of 'Stephen' around you or our family, we are DONE
* If you do ANYTHING that amplifies my suspicions, we are DONE
* If you don't respond within 60 seconds of me texting or calling you, we are DONE
* If I even IMAGINE that you're hiding anything from me, we are DONE
* If I get the faintest sense that your commitment to making amends for this horrible betrayal is flagging, we are DONE

Yes, collectively these are harsh, and yes these demands have exhausted her, but you know what? Tough fucking shit. If she wants to save this marriage that she nearly completely laid waste to, she can hustle her ass to do so.

womaninflux posted 7/15/2013 14:19 PM

It's not wrong but you have to consider that you are "feeding the disease."

jk5366 posted 7/15/2013 15:01 PM

rmhm97 - I am sorry you are going through this. I totally feel for you. I feel like I am in the same boat right now, except my H as been doing this for a while now, and I'm finally accepting it. and the posts everyone has written in response to your initial post - wow. I, myself, have more encouragement, hope, I just plain old feel better.
rmhm97, be strong, and expect her to give the information if she really wants to fix it. I expect my H to do the same thing, or as ArableSands says "we are DONE." It's not living to keep going on like this - the way you are, the way I am. feeling sick all day long, about to cry all day long, unable to carry on a conversation with someone because your mind is wondering.
Take care.

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