I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.
If she has any empathy or common sense, she will understand this.
By giving her a chance to reconcile, you are giving her a chance to EARN your trust. You gave it too freely before. Noone can argue that fact now. She was not trustworthy.
Earning trust after such a breach is not an quick process, but it is really, really simple. She needs to behave in trustworthy ways, and freely give you the means to verify that she is doing so. THIS OPPORTUNITY IS A GIFT.
Over time, after many, many, many times verifying that her actions and words are in fact matching up, you will begin to trust - some - and that is normal too.
It takes time and patience. It is not hard though. Simply being honest and proving so in an empathetic, understanding and loving way is not hard. It is an opportunity that is a gift.
edited for typos (I always have to!)
There are two analogies about checking, and rebuilding trust on this site. One is there is a trust bank, and each and every time you check and find nothing you get to make a deposit into it. The other is putting the pieces of a broken mirror/glass back together, every time you check and find nothing another piece of trust falls back into place, until the puzzle is put back together. I think both of these work well to express the need to rebuild the trust, and will help your FWS to understand the depth of her betrayal, wich may actually take some time for her to grasp.
In addition to checking up on her phone, many of us check email, and even place spyware because there is a nagging feeling that there is more, and I hate to tell you this, a lot of us do find more. It's ok though. When you have more, then you vailidate your feelings, and your sanity. It takes a bit to find footing again. But it can be done, and has been done by many of us here.
I am putting my trust in the wisdom of all of you that have made it thru this hell because I am almost flailing about blindly looking for anything to grab hold of. I keep telling myself that this too shall pass but it doesn't always seem like it. I am looking forward to the day when I can look out at the sunshine and smile like I used to.
If she really loves you, really is afraid of losing you, she will do as you say and she'll like it. If not, it's healthier for you to accept that a divorce may be the best thing for YOU. I don't give a rat's patootie what happens to her. YOU are what matters here.
I'm so sorry that you're here! Infidelity is devastating. Lean on us. Take care of yourself, and, yes, verify everything tight now!
[This message edited by Joyless29 at 12:40 PM, July 15th (Monday)]
When life changes to be harder, change yourself to be stronger.
* If I get a single WHIFF of 'Stephen' around you or our family, we are DONE
* If you do ANYTHING that amplifies my suspicions, we are DONE
* If you don't respond within 60 seconds of me texting or calling you, we are DONE
* If I even IMAGINE that you're hiding anything from me, we are DONE
* If I get the faintest sense that your commitment to making amends for this horrible betrayal is flagging, we are DONE
Yes, collectively these are harsh, and yes these demands have exhausted her, but you know what? Tough fucking shit. If she wants to save this marriage that she nearly completely laid waste to, she can hustle her ass to do so.