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I want this nightmare to end :(

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kassak posted 7/15/2013 04:47 AM

I found out about my hubs cheating on July 4th. We have 3 kids together 7 yo daughter, 20 month old and 3 month old sons. I have been diagnosed with ppd about a month ago which happens to be when the A started. She knows about me and kids as I have called her. I have also called her mom. We decided to try and work things out but it seems so hard. I feel as though I am the only one trying as I have changed everything he has asked. I'm scared everytime I turn around that he is going to leave me. I don't sleep or eat anymore and cry all the time. 8 years married. When does this nightmare end? Will I ever be able to trust him again? I know these are rhetorical questions that only me and time know the answer to, but I cant seem to continue to ask them.

isadora posted 7/15/2013 05:11 AM


I am sorry you are going through this. He cheats because he is broken, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

Stop trying to change to keep him. I have been there done that. It won't make him stay. What he is doing is emotionally abusive.

Is he still in contact with the OW? If he still is, them he still is active in the A.

Right now just breath. Take care of yourself. Make sure you drink plenty of water. Eat and sleep as much as you can. Read up in the healing library.

To answer your question, the nightmare ends when you say it does. It's a tough concept to understand in the beginning. Focus on you shift the focus off of him. Hang in there

painpaingoaway posted 7/15/2013 06:52 AM

Sorry for the reason you have had to find this place, but you have definitely landed in the best place possible for advice, support and comfort.

((((Kassak)))) I always feel so bad for you young mothers with young children. Of course infidelity is awful at any age or circumstance, but the stress of dealing with littles and a cheating spouse must be so overwhelming. I am so sorry sweetie.

I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with the acronym "ppd". It's not tuberculosis is it?

I feel as though I am the only one trying as I have changed everything he has asked.
this needs to stop immediately. HE needs to be totally committed to showing YOU remorse and changing things about HIMSELF that caused him to have an A. NOT the other way around. Find your bitch boots and put them on.

See a lawyer, find out what your rights are in the event of an A, and that will empower you and help to eliminate your fears about him leaving you. Remember, if he chooses to leave, there is a not a darn thing you could do to stop it anyway, so put your energies into PROTECTING yourself in the event that happens.

Get angry sweetie. YOU call the shots in this, not him.

sailorgirl posted 7/15/2013 07:42 AM

I don't sleep or eat anymore and cry all the time.

This is normal, kassak, but not good for you. Have you told your doctor or seen a counselor? I highly recommend both. Infidelity is traumatic and not the sort of thing you can handle on your own, especially after ppd.

Your H is grasping at straws when he tells you what's wrong with you. None of those things are why he cheated, and changing them will not make him faithful. He cheated because of something wrong inside him. If he doesn't face his faults and change himself, he is still in the mindset where adultery is an option.

You can't fix your H or make him behave with integrity. That's his job and he needs counseling asap.

You need help and TLC. Keep posting and I am so sorry this happened to you ((kassak)).

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 7:42 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

kassak posted 7/15/2013 08:07 AM

Sorry ppd is post pardum depression.

When his A started he turned into a complete douche and started treating me like crap. He googled housewife and told me I sucked at my job, would down grade my cooking, and treat me like I was one of his employees. He said that after I delivered our last son that I only need 48 hours before I should be back to normal. He would ask me every day if I was going to finally lose the weight I gained. Last night he looked at me in disgust as I was eating dinner grilled chicken only. I know I'm not the size 4 I used to bebut come on. Enough is enough. I just delivered 2 babies in 18 months. After typing all this out, maybe I really need to figure out why I want to be with him? I just found a counsiller and made an appointment.

cliffside posted 7/15/2013 08:22 AM

I'm so sorry you get to be a member of our club; none of us wanted to be here. Please know that everyone here has been through what you're going through - you are not alone.
I'm six months out and remember those first days vividly. I'm still in unbelievable pain, but trust me, it does get better.
I'll echo what others have said - NOTHING you did caused your H to cheat. He is broken and needed something no one can provide for him. I have witnessed three counselors tell my FWH this.

I have little ones too. I know how hard it is to keep yourself going and to put a front on. Do you have family nearby? I eventually told my Mom and sister and that has been such a godsend because I can drop the kids off when I'm having a bad day.

Read the healing library. Figure out what your line in the sand is. If he is still in contact with the OW you need to tell him he has to end all contact now. He has to write her a no contact (NC) letter now and then be 100% transparent (give you access to email accounts, etc). If he's not willing to do that, tell him to get out. It's hard, but as others have said on here, sometimes you have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it.

Lastly, do you know if the OW is married? If so, tell her husband. He deserves to know his health is in jeopardy (STDs).

Hugs to you and we're here for you!

Daisy312 posted 7/15/2013 08:28 AM

I like your last comment! Why do you want to be with him? The only reason my FWH are trying to R is because the day that the truth came out he opened up all of his personal struggles ad depression. From day one he has been very clear that he didn't stray because of any fault of me or our marriage. He knows he is the broken one and is working on fixing himself, supporting me, and is completely transparent. You can not fix your husband or your M unless he is willing to face his own demons, make changes, and support you. I'm not saying that as a BS there aren't areas we can improve on, but he has no right putting that on you. He sounds abusive, and you and your children deserve better!

ionlytalkedtoher posted 7/15/2013 08:38 AM

sounds like he has major issues. Its not you its him.

unless he is willing to change and stop blaming you it will be hard to recover. he must admit what he did was wrong.

painpaingoaway posted 7/15/2013 09:08 AM

maybe I really need to figure out why I want to be with him?
absolutely. What you have written about the way he has treated you ALONE is reason to D, IMO. Those are the behaviors of a monster that has no respect for another human being much less the mother of his children. FUCK him.

I am so sorry he is such a bastard.

And about the ppd...stupid me, I should have known that was post-partum depression.

For a new mother experiencing ppd, it makes his behavior even more monstrous. Please see a lawyer. Your H is a worthless excuse of a man.

painpaingoaway posted 7/15/2013 09:11 AM

And with a 3 month old sweetie, you need to be eating more than grilled chicken! Especially if you are breast feeding.

God, the more I think about it, the angrier I am for you!

TheClimb posted 7/15/2013 09:31 AM


We see this type of behavior often from unremorseful Waywards. Your husband is pissed that his little fantasy world was exposed. I hope he is NC with the tramp, but would not bet on it. Because he is still treating you poorly, it is time to 180 his fifteen year old acting ass. I have added the 180 below. It helps because it forces you to focus on yourself. You feel stronger and are better able to handle his abuse.

As others have said, you can't love them back. This just feeds their already weak ego. Don't play his game; he loves having women fight for him. That bastard is in or out and needs to do the hard work to earn your trust back. You shouldn't trust him now; he doesn't deserve it yet. He must prove he is trustworthy, you do not need to prove that you "trust" him. You did until he screwed up... we call that consequence. He might want to look up the definition.

Q: What is 180 and how does it work? Submitted by Making It
A: 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)

So here's the list:
1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
4. Don't follow her/him around the house.
5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
7. Don't ask for reassurances.
8. Don't buy or give gifts.
9. Don't schedule dates together.
10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." (Poodlepapa)

kassak posted 7/15/2013 13:50 PM

Thank you all! My phone was stolen and I don't have any way of contacting anyone. It is nice to know I am not alone.
His dad lives with us and saw that I was crying. He brought it up to his mom. She called him and told him he is going to respect me enought to talk decent to me or she is going to f him up and if he so much as contacts this girl again she is going to make her wish she never met him. Which defeats the purpose kinda.I don't want to force him but rather want him willingly to stop. But I'm over him and I am working toward a life with me and our kids. If he wants to join then he needs to prove himself. I'm done being walked on and abused verbally. You guys have been so helpful and I'm actually looking forward to moving forward. I know the days are going to be a roller coaster but I feel less alone.

painpaingoaway posted 7/15/2013 16:12 PM

She called him and told him he is going to respect me enought to talk decent to me or she is going to f him up and if he so much as contacts this girl again she is going to make her wish she never met him.

doggiediva posted 7/15/2013 16:31 PM

Definitely awesome MIL..I wish she was mine 27 years ago..I would have saved myself wasted years..I loved raising my children, but there was a void with WH being there, especially during holidays like Christmas..WH made me feel guilty for being festive during Christmas holidays..After the 1 or 2 hours of enjoying and assembling presents(toys) he would check out by falling asleep for the rest of the day....All of this was before I was ever aware of any A...

I hate MY WH!

Your WH needs to prove himself!

kassak posted 7/15/2013 17:54 PM

My wh decided to go out after work... no call, nadda. Worjing this out is about to be off the table. I'm starting to realize how much I don't deserve this. He feels like he is entitled to do whatever he wants. Right now he is being a part time dad, non existent husband, and a full time douche bag.

painpaingoaway posted 7/15/2013 17:58 PM

What an asshole! I'm sorry kassak. Here, you may need these:

doggiediva posted 7/16/2013 09:47 AM

Ohhhh..I want a pair of these! :-)

kassak posted 7/17/2013 06:35 AM

I cant see the pic on my kindle :(

This 180 is hard. I know its not supposed to be easy but this Shit is harder than expected. I try to stay busyand with 2 under 2 that seems easy enough. Right...

Why cant there be a reset button that I can just reset my feelings so I don't care anymore? Sometimes I have to question if I really do love him. I mean he is self centered and an asshole. He puts himself before the family. He spent all of our money last paycheck on going out while kids had NO food. To the point I had to barrow money from 6 yo piggy bank just for food for the day. Do I really love him Kr am I scared to be alone? Alone with 3 kids so young.

sunshine226 posted 7/17/2013 06:45 AM


doggiediva posted 7/17/2013 10:22 AM

From what you have written it seems as if your WH is the fourth kid and a selfish one at that...Is he contributing anything to make life around the house any better? Or is he just a dead weight that keeps you aggravated and upset as you move thru each day doing what is needed to be a good mom to your kiddos..

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