Anyways, I just wondered what you guys would do in this case.
I now most BS would like our WS to know what to do and say...but many times they don't. So if he is not saying or doing what you think he should do...mention what you need to him.
I have not found a healthy way to do that as of yet...I still feel vulnerable around my wife and she has been reluctant to grant some of my requests...
I believe in God so I think the OW going to church is a good thing.
However, it is highly likely she is not there with an open heart...but God knows that and it is for Him to judge her.
My wifes AP parks in the same spot to drop his kids off at school as he did during the affair...which is between our house and the school. We live in a small town and bought a house so that my wife could walk our kids to school....he has many other options and yet he continues to park there. He would drop his kids off, my wife would drop ours off...and they would get together.
Again, God sees all and will judge....but dang, do we have to have such cruel trials added to this already painful journey?!?!?
I am also considering selling our house as my wifes AP has a restaurant here, well known and liked in the community...cant go to a fund raiser or get my hair cut without hearing what a wonderful man he is....father of 5 and an adulterer...but no one knows about that.
So, here again, we are faced with tough choices that we had no say in coming our way. I feel your pain.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:32 AM, July 15th (Monday)]
We have a group of three other couples that have been through infidelity in our church. It hasn't been a perfect support system, but if one of the APs ever came to the church, that BS would know we had her back, KWIM?
If the OW is doing this, is she doing other things to stalk or harass you and your H? If so, document and then have a lawyer draft up a cease and desist letter, threatening a RO.
Anyway when she sees that you aren't there she will quit coming, and if she doesn't there is always a restraining order.
Our Pastor knows...was the first one I called when I found out about my wifes affair. I asked our Pastor if he could put me in touch with someone that actually survived infidelity. We are a church of about 200. He did not know of any but did know a guy whose wife left him for her AP! I declined this offer as I have that in my own family!!!
But I think it would be great if you had that locally.
Evening bible study is a good option. It has helped me, though I do like regular church service too...I would miss it.
Even if your Pastor doesn't know another couple to put you in touch with, him knowing about this and her may have a very freeing feeling with it. I know if my wifes AP came to our church the fact that I believe my Pastor would have my back is very comforting.
Affairs are big trials....God is the key. Keep the faith..give your husband a chance to fight for you here. God has a plan for you...cant tell you why the OW is coming to your church, but it is not by accident.
This is when I wish God did not give us so much free will! He has a plan for each of us...but our free will gives us plenty of opportunity to derail that master plan....but it also affords us the opportunity to make another decision and return to it.
God be with you.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:56 AM, July 15th (Monday)]
Anyway, I have tried to just TOTALLY focus on the service, or whatever I am doing at the church. If she is in the same service as we are, I can look elsewhere, or focus on the words, or music. I would, however, never be in the same smaller group - such as a Sunday School class. That would be too difficult.
I wish you luck. I know it can be a real disappointment to have your place of worship 'invaded' in light of this thing called infidelity.
[This message edited by WhatsRight at 9:34 AM, July 15th (Monday)]
I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy
My situation is different, my STBX stayed with his mistress. The two of them attended a fund raiser for an organization I have volunteered for years at. They knew I was going to be there. My therapist at the time told me to go, to stake my claim in this organization. Well, it devastated me to see them together and in hindsight, I wish I had not gone.
I can hear that you don't want to give up your church but maybe attend a different service for the time being. Then maybe she'll stop attending church since you and your husband are not there.
I see that your Husband thinks you should be the bigger person. How noble of him. I don't want to speak badly of your husband, but had he been the bigger person you would not be in this situation today. As I told my husband, someone is leaving the club. It should be her but if she doesn't we are and it is just a consequence of your horrible behavior. I would not stand for being hurt over and over again.
I agree with the others, find a new place to worship or a different time. I am betting you only have to do this for a month or two and when the OW realizes you won't play her game, she will probably stop coming. Remember she didn't want to attend church to begin with.
The only way I stopped the OW was by calling and telling her to stop coming to the club or I was going to start telling her business associates and family that she had slept with my husband and was now stalking us. I only had to tell one person...
On top of being such "good" people, these women have no backbone or courage. They are easy to overpower. The tough part is you can't appeal to their moral standards as they often have none.
I wish you luck and you take all the time you need to heal.
If you put your foot down and asked him to go to another church for a while would he do it? This way her not seeing the two of you there would turn her off and she'd eventually stop going.
Without him owning his choices and helping your healing, it's going to be harder to deal with this situation and pretty much the rest of your M.
My wifes AP may very well be playing games too...
Gameplay 1. My wifes AP continues to park in a place that is between our home and our childrens school....my wife walks our kids to school...sometimes I have. I don't do it anymore because I have very much wanted to engage him when I see him....he does NOT return that sentiment...could be a very passive aggressive personality...and I think that is highly likely.
Gameplay 2. I saw him in a compromising position with another woman NOT his wife as I left out of my block. Was it coincidence that he was doing this so close to our home? Was he wanting me to witness this? Was he wanting my wife to witness this?
Gameplay 3. Recently, he parked 1 store front down from my wifes store...it was early in the day and I don't think any shop is open at that time. My wife thought that odd, called me, and I entered her shop from the back. I stayed with her until he left.
All curious behavior.
As I engage my wife on this she doesn't really want to talk about it...thinks we don't need to worry about him...just concentrate on us.
But I think it could be beneficial to note this activity...if he is intentionally trying to rattle our family it would be good for us to be aware of this.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:24 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]