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Victim vs victimized?

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blakesteele posted 7/15/2013 07:38 AM

I have never enjoyed being around folks who have the victim mentality.

Now I struggle with this internally.

Real trauma has occurred...trauma that victimized me in that I had no say in it, it was done intentionally (wifes A started innocently enough but she made conscious decisions during and after it that she knew was damaging to me) and it has had a profound, life altering affect on me.

I also understand that it is my continued response to this trauma that defines me...

At what point does this switch from victimized to being a victim? Is it time based? Is it how I react to triggers?

Any ideas?

tushnurse posted 7/15/2013 07:46 AM

I think it is our mental state, you can decide to fall victim to your spouses actions, or you can choose to rise above it, and overcome the great adversity of infidelity, either by R or D.

YOU choose to be or not be a victim. It is hard sometimes, but in the end most of us overcome it.

Two things I have always cringed at are when people state that they ARE a VICTIM, and when they state that things aren't fair. Yah no shit, life isn't fair, but we pull ourselves up and go on. I will not be the one to waller in self pity, loathing, and wait for someone else to change my destiny, that is up to me.
I think that is what separated the Victim from the on victim.

I was vitimized by his infidelity, however I am not a victim of because of it.
I was victimized by being burglarized 20 years ago, but I am not a victim, I placed better locks on my home, got another big dog, and my first handgun, and learned how to use it proficiently. KWIM?

Duffy1958 posted 7/15/2013 07:53 AM

I think I understand your question & in my observation, some ppl just have a perpetual victim mentality & then the rest of us.

I think the difference is one day this will be something which happened in your life, it altered it but didn't ruin it.

Are you worried? I think that you would be worried is a huge clue you are not going to have "victim mentality"

blakesteele posted 7/15/2013 08:02 AM

tushnurse...good suggestions...I am buying a gun today! wait...that's not what you meant is it?

Duffy1958...yes, I am worried. Many times during this trial I have resorted to picturing one of my daughters finding themselves in this awful spot (something that the odds state is a very good possibility) to get me to pull up out of a tail spin. I picture them choosing to act like I am thinking about acting....and that almost always works to get me to pull myself up. But the triggers do make me slip and fall. And I have to choose again to pull myself up. At times, during these falls, my wife has said things that prey on this victim fear she knows I have.....might be tough love from her, or her hurting me back for something (the pain my sorrow is bringing her, the fact that I still trigger, me not recognizing her needs pre-A were not getting met, I don't know)...this is one hell of a growing opportunity.

Thanks for responding so quickly.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:06 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

tushnurse posted 7/16/2013 07:51 AM

Well Blake, that's not exactly what I meant, but yeah kinda. I choose to not be a victim. What happened does not define who I am. I choose to let it help me grow, become stronger, and gain some perspective.

Yah I take that tact in all aspects of my life. I do have my CCW, and carry pretty much 90% of the time I'm not at work, since I work in a hospital setting, I cannot carry at work, but I walk with head high, I pay attention to what is going on around me. I always have my keys ready when I get in the car. I have an attitude that I excude that tells any bad guys to not F with me. Typically women who are stong, and confident in their appearance are NOT going to be victimized by the bad guy. They are looking for head down, distracted, non confident person to victimize, and brother that aint me.

I get what you mean about thinking how you would want your kids to handle the situation should it happen to them and how you respond is going to shape who they are. This too is what finally gave me the strength to finally say enough with his fencesitting cakeeating BS in the early days of R. I refused to be a doormat a second longer. It was what ultimately saved us.

Hang in there. You have had a horrible horrific thing happen in your life, but that does not mean you have to be a victim.

solus sto posted 7/16/2013 13:38 PM

I understand where you're coming from, but I think it's really premature for you to worry about this.

As you recover--whether with or without your partner--you will gradually evolve. You're self-aware and working hard to heal, so there's no reason to believe you will get stuck in victim mode.

Try to be gentle with yourself and keep expectations reasonable. There's enough on your shoulders without scrutinizing and labeling what are normal and natural feelings.

Truly, it gets better with (dreaded) time.

blakesteele posted 7/16/2013 19:53 PM

(((solus sto)))

inconnu posted 7/16/2013 20:09 PM

I'm with tushnurse. I chose not to be a Victim, once I healed enough to think coherently. I had a mostly remorseless WH, so in order to start healing, I had to figure out how to do that for myself. Then I had to figure out how to get on with my life, after now-ex walked out on me for OW.

And ya know what? I'm still not a Victim, or even a victim with a lower case v. I am a survivor.

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